The New Year...

Hello people...

I dunno what the biggie with new year is... oh I know... You get to spend time with people you love, doing things with them and enjoying each others' company... but wait... Is that not a routine thing.. every time you hangout with them you enjoy them... So what's so different about this new year get together thing??? I will tell you the answer... When you spend time with the ones you love on New Year's Eve, you are not merely with them, but you are reflecting the time that has passed on the memories that you have spent with them... You are reflecting all the times you laughed, cried and all the things that happened in between.... So for those who are with their loved ones during this blessed time of the year, cherish it and reflect with good faith that you will have more of that in the upcoming year... I wish you well!!!

TAKZIAH

Takziah to Dyjie and her family. Her mummy just passed away yesterday. To lose someone is hard enough but to lose someone that gave birth to you and were closest to you of all is harder. Parting in this sense is not sweet sorrow. It is sorrow. Bitter sorrow.

So to Dyjie and her family, I feel you. Innalillahi wainna illaihi raji'un... May your mummy be with the gracious grace of Allah SWT. I will pray for her and you and the rest of your family.

...Al-Fatihah...

Sexy, Scrumptious, Savvy, Seasonal, Sweet and Spontaneous Jeans

Hello y'all,

Just now I was talking (by talking i mean chatting) with one of my closest friends (cheksy) and I realised something... I realised that I miss UK. I miss the feeling of home that I have there... I think it has to do with the occupants rather than the place... I miss having my soul sisters around. I miss the feeling of being able to just walk in one of their rooms n just hang out, or talk or eat. I remember that one time when it was near exams. Me n Cheksy was feeling quite down coz we miss home n stuff... Things were happeningin pour houses back in Brunei n we kinda feel lost. We just decided on the spot to just go jalan. So we did. We caught the bus n just went to town. I miss that. I think I miss having that degree of independence that I had with my soul sisters.

So here's a shout-out to my beloved soul sisters: JEANS Clan!!! I love you and I will never forget the times that we've had. It was certainly one of my very best memories. I was at my best when I was with u guys! I miss you all!! MUAH!!

from the top left:
YANIE, GREYZ, SIMAH, GYMZ,DEENA AND NYSSA (THE JEANS CLAN)

I NEED INSPIRATION!!!!

HELLO PEEPS!!!!!!

And so here I am without any drive to cook adventurously... I remember a time in UK when I cooked up a storm. Cooked a feast out of just a few ingredients... after the end of the process of ccoking I feel very satisfied.. But now I somehow lost my mojo... I dont feel like cooking up a storm, feeling that I think of necessity rather than indulging myself to cook up a little feast... I dunno what is wrong with me. I hope that I will indeed have an epiphany soon so that I will have that drive that I had in UK.

Let us hope that I will get my mojo back and the strength to continue surprising people with my cooking. I have faith...

love (wut else???)

Day by day I am wasting my tym not doing anything in particular. truthfully I am in a rut.. truthfully, I miss my friends... and I am bored shitless~~~ pardon my French!

All day long with nothing to do, I watched The Notebook... interesting how movies can automatically bring you to feel emotions that you otherwise would not know u have.. haha... I mean, I didnt know that I had a romantic side until I saw a movie... and that movie was Krish... n yup a Hindustani... as usual... there was a scene there when the heroin (as in the companion of the hero, not the drug!) nearly fell from the top of a kid slide. what they were doing up there i dunno. Most Hindustani movies include scenes that were illogical sometimes... so the said heroin nearly fell and then the hero caught her hand just in time! (oh how fortunate u'd say. Hindustani movies are like that. Very dramatic!) The hero said, "you asked me how I will love you? This is how I will love you. Even if you feel like you are on the verge to fall into nothingness, I will be there for you to catch you, even if you nearly die because of all the pain, I will be there for you. Even if you are near hopelessness, I will be there to light your path to hope. That is how I love you." Sweet no? From then on, I barged on dreaming that I will have my own love, in the hope that someday maybe my love will love me more than I love my love. Up there are my images of what my life of love would look like...

My prayers for me and all the single ladies out there looking for love or something that is bigger than all of us, is that we will in the end find the love that wee seek and the happiness it entails... Amin~~~ Be well sisters...

SOBER: a thought that was kicked in when I commented on Deena's status in fb~~~

I think I have sobered a little over time. I now realise that some things are just not worth the wait... some things are just not meant to be.. hence I am opting for not getting my hopes high.. not on a depressing level but on a more 'sober' level per se. Regarding Sam, I will never again get my hopes up, wishing that I will end up with him but rather I think of him as a friend now who taught me that love might not be so happy-ending like but it definitely will teach you something. good or bad, if you are there in the long run, you have to learn to siphon off the bad things... you have no choice...

so I am still not at that stage of free in the memory of Sam but all in all I learned something from it... I learned to feel...

Zeemah now...

Assalamualaikum everybody.... n hello to the non-muslims....

Since I'm back, I feel very calm... of course, there is the occasional headache caused by others but wholly, i am feeling better.. i feel dat i am calm, i can control everything that goes on with me n such... i am happy with my circle of friends and i feel i done need anomore to add to my circle of friends.. they are a good bunch of people and i feel so very blessed to have them....

as of the other thing... i know i kinda have to immerse myself in my fantasy world that revolves around you so i get a good nyte's sleep, i m fine.. i know you are happy with the other person n not me so i am letting you go.. its okay.. i have faith that there is someone else out there for me... all in all, i know i still cling on the memory of you, but i have faith that you felt the same way about me sometime before if not now. dat memory i will treasure forevermore.... i love you n nothing will ever change that if i can help it.... i love you n no one can ever replace that place in my heart where you currently reside but other than that i feel calm n i have faith.... you'll be my one and only love....

so goodbye love n i will miss you always.. see you in my dreams... where we will have our own happily ever after....

-unappreciated-

i feel so very unappreciated.. why you ask? coz i am now living in my home, where i am just one of the siblings and my views dont matter at all.. i am sick of my siblings trying to go over my head and thinking that what i think doesnt matter, i hate dis..... even if i look so very easy n laid back, dis so doesnt mean that i want ppl to pijak my kepala..I DONT!!!! ARGH... DIS SUCKSS..... never been dis mad before. if i have themoney, i would lari dari rumah n live on my own n wont return home.,.. seriously, i need to get away.., take me away pls.......

a few thoughts...

when you just received some good news, then you look for that one person to tell it to, it's either you're in love with that person or you feel that the person will feel happy for you. either way, you know telling that person your great news would be something that you n that person share together. you trust that person and you know that sharing the good news with that person will be the one thing that yo both can share. so u share. at least you try... coz when that person isnt there, you look for them. that's a sign. you love them. get a clue. if that person isnt constantly there, then dat means that maybe that person do not care what you feel. they couldnt care less... haha... sucks to be you right now right?? sigh~~~ i dunno anymore...

so yea, dats it... just a thought... sucks to be me~~~ i have to stop kidding myself.. i'm not worth it... not really.. never have been never will be... as i said, sucks to be me... wutever...

i hate you so much ryte nw but i miss you... so bad...

5th july 2009, 23oo hrs;

i know u dont mean it everytym u hurt me, but that doesnt mean dat u would hurt me any less. i know u never ever mean to hurt me. u told me dat n i believe you. i honestly do. i cant say here what u did n said that made me hurt this much, but i also realise that i cannot expect you to know every single tym u've hurt me. coz u r not a freaking mind reader... i understand that. but i also know dat u might be oblivious to my existence as well...!! complicated much?? very!!! i so cant wait to get back home. back home i have a load of stuff to do, not like here when i always feel like nothing. when i feel like nothing, i feel depressed. n when i feel depressed, i feel dat everyone around me hate me. but then u come along n say something. if i'm lucky then u might say something that meks me hepi n i go to my hepi place. but if i'm unlucky, u might say something that hurt me n i cry. huh...!!

wutever... i gez i will have to get used to this. lately nowadays i have an idea as to how it will always be. i will be without you owez. it is the most bitter truth i will evr have to admit but i know it's true.

i am hepi for u that u r hepi now with ur person but dat doesnt mean that i am hepi. i am hepi for u. there's a diff.

i would give anything in the whole world to not care about you but i know it wont be possible. i feel sad dat you dont come around n ask me how i am anymore. i guess u're hepi brabis dat you dont care about me. so i will quit you. i have had enough crying over you. i have my nieces with me here n i cant afford for them to see me cry, so i am just gonna stop...

as of ryte now i am quitting you. quitting you will be a process. it will be hard, it will be very hurtful, but i will get over you. i just hope it will be quicker. i know now dat i cant be truly hepi. at least not now.

hate dis feelings...

24th june 2009 2014hrs;


i am in manch now, just got bek from old trafford.. really2 missing home today like brabisly... really hating the fact that the whole world didnt turn out o be what i thought it was.. really hate dis...


it's funny how you feel the whole world is against you when actually just one person could make you feel that way. i hate dis.. i thought i am over you.. i am over this... but everytym i think about you, my heart skips a beat... i feel so alone even when i am with a lot people.. why is dat? coz you're not with me...


i really wish dat i could never again see you n dat i am home, where everything is normal and innocent... i hate dese feeligs.. i hate you n i hate what you've become... i am relly disapointed in you... clearly i am just a person you go to when you're lonely... so i might not see you when you want me to...


i hate you... i just have to believe it...

Zeemah...

18th june 2009 1447hrs;

Today's a good day, well, better than yesterday was... yesterday was hell for me... like really!!! cried every second of the day, evry step i take, i cried... so i went out for a walk in the middle of the nyte, lay on the grass in the football field... and i looked at stars... used to be scared of being alone out at nyte, but i dunno, since i was feeling suffocated in my room, i went out that nyte n i felt better... n i continue to feel better till now... yaay...!!

so i hope i will continue to feel better coz i know it's going to be a hard tym for me, leaving the house, leaving JEANS, us oing our separate ways... oh well, it has to happen.. who's to say that it's all gonna be bad... all my memories with them i will treasure in my heart forevermore...

finally got my slr!! named....... drumroll pls... Bianca... haha, i know.. i like dat name...!!

so adios ppl.. gotta clean up n pack my stuff.. lusa aku chow... simah chow esok.. waaaa... n den m gonna go n have fun with girls...

till next tym..

gymz is finally happy, for now... but i am optimistic...

EMO PACKING~~~

13th june 2009 1344hrs;

who knew packing could be such an emotionla thing... every single day that i pack, i cry. one box = a bucketload of tears... i am more than ready to go home, to go be me and stop missing home... but the mere packing of my stuff led me to stop and then to cry.. napa ia ah?? heranku eyh... i reeally didnt know iit would be this emotional... Simah lg blik awal... lg tia ku sedih... waaaaa....

but no worries, will triumph... it's better dat Simah could balik awal coz indaku sampai ati kn tinggalkn ia d cni while kami yg lain2 balik udh... plus i have Greyz, Nyssa, Eyah n Yani to come with me... so i wont get lonely... still~~~ n oso, Deena l awal blik.. jeles saya eyh...

house is sooo freaking quiet... i get lonely... i cry.. gosh i am depressing all you out there arent i?? nyeh.... ntah eyh... i will ride this out... i need my nieces... without family, i am alone....

one thing's for sure, i will miss d JEANS girls really2 bad nie... i know dat.. maybe dats why i cry jua... i dunno.. lately i dunno what i am doing, what i am feeling, what i think.... everyday is a struggle for me... i dont really sleep, i dont really talk that much jua... i just dont feel like it...

nyeh, malas eyh...

stuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuupiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiddddddddddddddd~~~~~~~~~~~~~

12th July 2009, 1301hrs;

Stupid... just woke up dis morning n start thinking, i mean really thinking about the fact that i need to let you go totally.. n ASAP!!!! coz i stupidly let you take over my life, my decisions are totally based on,"what would you do if you were me??" stupid stupid..... banciku eyh... napa i let myself be this way, when i know that this feeling will lead me to negative things.... i have been hurt before.... why do i let myself be this way?? why????? m just digging a deeper hole... so you say you cant help who you fall in love with... stupid!!!!! i wish i could just turn off my heart n never feel a thing... ani everytym i see an update of you, i feel torn, as if every single thing that you do atu is my lifeline!!!! stupid me...

i keep hearing all this crap that if you love that someone, you will let them go.... but how the hell am i supposed to let you go when in fact i am struggling to even breathe out your name without being shaky?? how??? urrrrgggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am in a dilemma! damn it!

but i know eventually i will be able to let you go coz i know i love you too much to hurt you... i will not spoil the relationship that we have just so i can let everything off my chest... i know you are wondering what i feel, what i think, what i do.. but i will just say i am fine and smile everytym you ask me... its better that way.. if i indulge you in saying really how i am feeling, i will guarantee you would run away n it will destroy the little bit of affection that you have towards me .. you will be mortified! you will just run away n wonder who was that girl that just said all those things to me... i know you said before that you accept me the way i am, and that you will not judge.. but i know that i hhavent really truly let you see the whole of me... you have no idea who i am inside... you have no clue whatsoever!!!! n i feel so guilty that i feel this way about you and i let myself go on n feel this way.... i feel guilty to myself.. i am torturing myself... why do i let you affect me so? why?

so from now on, dont ask how i am, coz i am mad at you!!!! i am mad at you because you are a charming, charismatic person who is funny and who gets me, who smiles my worries away, who makes me flutter... who makes me feel like i am the most beautiful person around... i have fallen for you... i have fallen for you deep... i acnt just let you go!!! i just cant... why cant i??? because i am freaking in love with you.... i not only love you, but i am in love with you!!! sad huh??

my mission from now on is just to suppress these feelings that i have and that i will put up a brave front and just lie through my teeth and say i am fine... i will start lying now.. I AM FINE... THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME... I AM MY NORMAL SELF!!! and so the lie continues... i love you too much to really truly let you go... but in the physical world, i will support your relationship and be positive even if you dont feel confident about your own relationship... i will try n build your own confidence so that your relationship will be better... it will hurt me and i will probably lose sleep n cry at nyte, but to know that your significant other makes you happy, it is enough for me to try to make you feel better about your relationship so that your person could make you happy and then make you smile... coz i know at the end of the day, you are happy with this other person and no t me... so i will support you.... i will support your relationship... i will make you see the light about this other person even if you think that this other person is wrong... i love you this much to sacrifice this.... i am pathetic and this is the honest truth...

i will try to let you go just so you wouldnt have anything to worry about, that you wont have anything to think about... that you wont have anything else to understand except about you and your loved ones... i wil avoid you... you will have your suspicions... but i am fine... as long as you are happy, i will be too.... even if my heart is torn and shredded to pieces... even if my happiness is gone just because you are happy with somebody else... as long as you are happy, then i will be at peace.. at least you are happy. coz i know if you are unhappy, i will try my damnest to try to make you feel better.... you know dis...

so to sum up, i am a pathetic loser whose love wont ever be recognised, whose heart has been torn n could never be fixed wholly, whose loved one is gone to be happy with somebdy else, whose thoughts are always revolving around the fact that i am NOT worthy of anybody's love... I AM FINE....

you, who i constantly miss....

11th June 2009 0138hrs;

cant sleep... cant think straight... cant do it any longer... constant crying over you... cant do this any more... cant help it tho... you're soooo worth it... i love you dis much n in dis way but u do not know dis... i've missed you, i miss you n i have been missing you eversince ever!!!

in awhile, u will feel happy while i will still be here, missing you, cursing the world n wondering why on earth this world is so biased... why this world is against this love... i know that love is pure when put in the ryte circumstances... i would like to think dat what i feel for you is pure... but the whole world is against this kind of love... the way we were brought up, the way our family think, the way we view the world made this love that i feel for you a bad thing... i wonder if ever i will feel this kind of love for anybody else... in this instant n in this moment when my heart aches for you, i think it is impossible that i will love anybody else as much as i love you ryte now....

again n again i pray for Allah to erase what i feel for u coz i know it is wrong... again n again i cry every nyte before i sleep asking for Allah's mercy n asking that something would happen that would make me hate you... i wait for that day when i fall outof love for you... i wait for the day, that miracle truly magical day when i will fall in love with someone who will definitely love me back n dat nothing is in our way... i would rather avoid you than see you happy with another person... my heart aches whenever you laugh, coz everytym u laugh, it makes me fall more in love with you n i cant stop it... i find myself dreaming of you, my angan2 before i sleep includes you... my happy place is always with you...

ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just know dat u will be in my heart as always, or until i find your replacement...

I WAIT FOR THE DAY WHEN YOU WILL MEET ME IN MY HAPPY PLACE N DAT IT IS A REALITY, OR IF I CANT HAVE IT WITH YOU, I PRAY TO ALLAH SWT THAT I MAY HAVE THAT EXPERIENCE WITH A MAN WHO LOVES ME MORE THAN I LOVE HIM, SO I WILL NOT HURT THIS MUCH.... I CANT TAKE THIS HEARTACHE ANY LONGER... ALLAH SWT HELP ME~~~

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MYSELF... I WILL DROP EVERYTHING EVERYTYM U SAY MY NAME... THIS YOU KNOW... I WONT SAY ANY MORE....

==THE END==

hmmmm~~~~

12th may 2009 2339hrs tuesday;

today was my first exam in kent.. haha.. becalli... i know i didnt do well salnya aku blank for the first half hour n den scrambled for the last half hour.. wrote too much for the first question n then wrote virtually nothing fo the second one.. bacali becali bnr.... ntah eyh.. aku pun mls lg kn pikir.. haha.. anyhoo.. m like totally procastinating salnya i have tonnes of reading to do but nyeh.. cam biasa malas... n now.. since aku buntu idea n malas kn baca my stuff, i wanna let some things off my chest...

first things first, i cant wait to come home. i wanna see bapa, zaki, enoi, n be in my room n be happy that kawaii tinggal d kiarong semula.. yaay!!! i will honestly try to appreciate everything that i have in brunei... coz here i know i need bapa.. i have always known i need bapa but i didnt know to what extent.. n now i know.. i wish bapa is here with me to experience life in uk... i am miserable here w/out bapa but i know i will have the tym of my life if bapa is here.. some things that i know bapa is feeling d rumah w/out me n kapjah is that the burden that is always with him, n i am not there to share that burden.. it saddens me that i am not there n that he has to just be patient... i cant take it anymore.. imiss him n i wish i am with him ryte now... i love my Bapa, the one person who has stuck by my side even if he didnt know it... Bapa I MISS YOU TERRIBLY N I LOVE YOU!!! i cant wait to go home... i wanna go home... i wanna go home now....

second thing is that during exam tym, i was still thinking of "stuff"... by stufff i mean Sam stuff.. astah.. i know i should be concentrating on what really matter n dat is my studies!!! i mean seriously, i was thinking about someone who is virtually gone n never will come back n i am still hanging on hope that somehow Allah will release me from this suffering... i wish i could just forget all my sorrow n just concentrate on other stuff... SOMETIMES YOU JUST GIVE THAT SOMEONE YOUR ALL BUT THAT SOMEONE DOESNT NECESSARILY APPRECIATE IT.. SOMETIMES YOU SAY THAT SOME ONE IS SPECIAL N DAT THAT PERSON IS ABOVE THE REST, BUT THEY MIGHT NOT APPRECIATE IT.. THAT MAYBE ACTUALLY, U ARENT THE SPECIAL ONE FOR THEM... ntah eh.. apakan aku ckp ani... aku pun nda tau lagi...

third thing, i know for a fact i dont wanna pursue taking public policy as my masters... i wanna go from scartch n take on a home economics class or something.. i wanna cook!!! i love to cook.. but the perceptions of ppl regarding these line of studying is that semua urg hme science ani nda pandai.. i say that is stupid.. brunei ppl have to change.. the education system need to change... let ppl be who they are... let the whole world be who they are.. i choose to be a chef.. an aspiring chef/writer.. i know i want all dis but do i have the guuts to pursue this n abandon all others? i dunno.. it reamins to be seen..

so anyways, i can only procastinate for a short while sja coz i nd to read stuff... bh adios ppl.. i am okay.. i am fine... but remember that a jolly person is never one hundred percent jolly... a jolly person who seems to have no care in the world might have the whole world on their shoulders... so be wary... look at the person next to u or ur frens.. they might smile at you but in fact they are hurting inside.. who knows....

SALAM....

special? not really...

okeh so.... u would think dat u are the special one in someone's life when clearly u r not... when clearly u r just a person. not special, not unique, not even worth a fleeting thought in dat person's mind...

clearly, u would think dat u r special but actually even if dat person sed yg u r d one person who is dear to their heart, it isnt guaranteed dat u r the one thing that crosses their mind.... when in fact u are the last thing...

it snt enough that u do things u wouldnt coz of dem, n dat u would get out of ur way to please dem, when all the while dat person dont want to be witchu alone but in fact dey wanna be with a lot of ppl coz apparently a lot of ppl are more fun n when dat ppl is with other ppl u r just one person. no one special.... well i guess it is just stupid of me to think dat i am dat special huh?

stupid of me to think dat i might be important to you when in fact other ppl are important to you n when being with a lot of ppl are more "fun" than being with me... i geddit now.. from now on, i wouldnt think highly of myself n owez think dat i m not the person who u prefer... i would think of myself as just a person, no one special, since m not even worth thinking about... i geddit now...

so now i think dat i will just be a person who is sober all the tym, let u go be with other ppl n not to wait for u to come to me when u're tired of being with all the "fun" ppl... its okeh... i'll heal whenever... u dont care, so why bother... its ok... but my promise still stand, i wont hurt u, i wont make u feel bad n i'll still be here for u owez... dat i promise... n i hope u'll feel ok with dat..

i wont search for u like before coz now i geddit... i'll be here whenever u nd me but i wont promise dat i'll be all sympathetic when u feel dat other ppl have hurt u, when u know all along dat i have always been there for you. it might sound dat i am harsh n dat i am pathetic but i have reached a point in my life where i know for a fact dat i should just please myself n dat i cant let myself sacrifice everything for you... now i will force myself to just ignore the pang of jealousy whenever the same thing happens n dat u prefer to be with others n not me... i hate dat but i cant control you coz u r not mine to have a significant say in what u do.. i will try to ignore the feeling dat i get whenever i see stuff dat i know u like, the feeling dat i wanna buy u dat even when i know dat i cant really afford it... oh well!!! such is life n i cant just contour life as i want it to be...

whatever happens, u r who u r n i cant just ignore the fact that u r a people pleaser n dat u thrive to be around ppl to be yourself... i cant ignore dat... its ok... u cant choose who u fall in love with... n i have fallen for you n i have to accept you... even if i know dat it isnt healthy to dwell in you... its ok.. its alright.. m fine, u know me as a woman who can take care of herself... owez have been since dari damit sudah so why should i stop now... u are just a distraction... i have to carry on with my life... i cant just stp being me when u have hurt me... i can thrive without you... for now i need to focus on me...

i need to reassess myself n what i stand for. coz eversince i have fallen for u, my life is at a standstill... i cant think straight, i cant even feel anything for other ppl n my priority was owez u... now i know better.. even if i still rely on you, i will try n not be obvious about it coz it will be hectic... for me n for u...

p/s: Sam, if u dont geddit still, i mean all this n m referring to you... go figure!!!

pp/s: if u still dont geddit, it is YOU i am talking about... n dat i feel dat contrary to what i say, I WANT TO BE SPECIAL IN YOUR LIFE!!! GET A FREAKING CLUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okeh i think dats it.. enough for tonight... i cant taake it anymore... dere is only a certain level of pain dat i can tolerate in one day n this is my threshold... i am done... i need to get a life... i need to move on n i hope dat i can just be without you... i hope.. have a good life.. salam everyone...

gua kangen banget~~~~

saturday 28th march 2009 2225 hrs;

assalamualaikum all... gua kangen banget tym ni... lyk brabisly... i wanna just curl up on my bed n just be done with life here in Kent. i wanna go home n be in my room n just be glad dat i am home... knowing that things are hapenning at home that i dont like doesnt help either. i hate dis... oh Allah help me find salvation. pls help him... ease his pain n help him... i dont want him to suffer...help other ppl to help him... help him to be free n happy dont let him be sad and lonely... Allah help him, i beg of you...

some ppl out dere might think dat i am crazy to yearn for home when i live here with my wonderful friends, being independent n not be burdened by the difficult life at home. but i would rather have dat than be sad hre n missing... i miss home, i miss my DADDY, i miss zaki, i miss Enoi, i miss Sam... but i know dat being home doesnt guarantee my hapiness.. not at all.. instead it would further susahkan aku when i know Sam is in the same country... but Bapa will be dere n be my rock. whenever i feel lost or do not have any wer to go, i know i can owez go to Bapa. Bapa will give me the right advice even when i dont tell him stuff... i will never take Bapa for granted ever again. i will cherish Bapa brabis... salam tangan Bapa whenever i see him, cium tangan Bapa dgn bibir n not my dahi atau pipii, coz i know Bapa suka klw anak2 nya cium tgnnya dgn bibir rather than dahi or pipi. i wish i can just run now to hm n just be glad dat i am in the same vicinity as him, coz i know he doesnt judge. he truly doesnt judge... as much as i would like to think dat other ppl dont judge, i value Bapa punya opinion the most coz i know his opinion will be etched in my heart n mind tarus... i miss Bapa bnr2... i miss cooking for him whenever he comes down to the kitchen. i miss driving him around... waaa... i wanna go home...

also what i am thinking ryte now is dat i know i may never be ready to really let go, i know i have to... rindu atu memang akan sentiasa ada selagi i dont have Sam. but i know deep in my heart dat i am better off without Sam. but it doesnt help dat every single thing dat i see around me n feel around me i wanna share with Sam... i cant tell all of what is in my heart coz i know Sam is happy with Juliana... i really hope them well... may they be happy n get married n have children coz i know dat is what they ultimately want to do.. i cant compete with dat... i know i cant... aku nda mampu utk bertanding when i know the love that they have felt for each other for so long is agung n i cant disturb dat... but it doesnt help when i know that he has feelings as i do n dat he is torn... but he is more inclined to just be with Juliana coz they are meant to be with each other... he dreams of being with her n she dreams all her life to be with him... i cant compete with that... i am the newcomer.. i dont have the right... nobody does. they only have the right to themselves... i cant disturb dat n i never will.. i promise... it is with the utmost heavy heart that i am letting him go... forever this time... i cant handle being broken anymore, i know i cant handle it... i know i have to be independent n just do what i can to better myself... i have to focus my thoughts and my whole being into studying n not think about stuff... i know i can n i will... i know i can... again the mantra, i will triumph...

never in my heart do i ever know dat i will fall so hard and fast for Sam when i know dat what i am doing is wrong... but to be selfish, i need to say no.. i have then n i wasnt ikhlas, but i am saying no again now so i will triumph.. i am ready now, at least on the surface...

i will miss you Sam bcause i love you truly madly deeply... with all of my heart and my soul n my whole being... i know we can never be n i surrender... dis is my sacrifice, for i know a sacrifice is love in itself... pengorbanan adalah satu cara utk menunjukkan rasa cinta... n i do... i will owez love you n i will owez care for u... bt i understand... u love Juliana more than anyone n dat includes me, so i am letting you go.... i am sorry...

peace out, coz i dont have anymore tears to cry... i am spent~~~ ngalehku udah rasa cani ani...

what's going on inside of me~~~

monday 9th march 2009 1617hrs;

wanna know what's going on inside of me ryte now? Adele's song here is what i am feeling ryte now... to make you feel my love... read the lyrics, look it up in YouTube, understand the lyrics, and generaally just feel it... this is wht is going on in my life. always torn, always seaching, always not really happy.

my birthday's in 2 days tym n i dont feel happy. thisis coz my dad isnt here n dis stupid dilemma i am experiencing ryte now isnt helping much. i became sooo sensitive ately dat i am so sick n tired of crying at the slightest event that reminds me of you, dat reminds me that i can never have you as i want you. i would go to the ends of the world for u, to make ou feel my love. ppl say u cnt choose the ones you fall for... i know dat big tym!!! stupid!!!

ENJOY... ADELE: To Make You Feel My Love...

When the rain is blowing in your face

And the whole world is on your case

I could offer you a warm embrace

To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear

And there is no one there to dry your tears

I could hold you for a million years

To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet

But I would never do you wrong

I've known it from the moment that we met

No doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue

I'd go crawling down the avenue

There's nothing that I wouldn't do

To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on the rollin' sea

And on the highway of regret

The winds of change are blowing wild and free

You ain't seen nothing like me yet

I could make you happy,

make your dreams come true

Nothing that I wouldn't do

Go to the ends of the earth for you

To make you feel my love

just feel the love...

5th march 2009 1727hrs thursday;

once u have been touched by love, u can never ignore it.. once you have been scarred by love, u can never ignore it... once u recognise love, u can identify it... which is why i yearn for u...

being misunderstood is normal... being in denial is normal... being feeling outta love is normal... but to ignore that you deserve love is absurd!!! everybody deserves to be loved... i do n you too...

having friends is owez a good thing... having bestfriends is an even greaterr thing... but having the bestest friend who understands you n u them n who has real concern for u... that's the really best feeling u can have in the whole world...

being hurt is normal... being hurt n letting go is hard, i know... but let go... u may find some great surprises within... but never hurt anybody intentionally... coz i know being hurt is a bitch...

and so... my lesson of the day is to just let things flow the way they are... dont care for what other ppl may think... coz in the end, it is you who matter.. love the ones you love fiercely n never hurt them... being hurt by someone yo love is the worst feeling ever... i know~~~ let them know that you love them coz believe it or not... if u dont say that u love them, they might never know...

adios~~~

i dont feel so good~~~

23rd feb 2009 1904hrs monday;

hormones hormones hormones... hmmm.... guess wut i did today... the one thing dat i am trying very hard to avoid is the one that i bought... i bought vanilla ice cream... nyaman eh... td i went to the citay alone coz i need to go shop... kn tenangkan my fikiran... but i ended up buying a load of stuff... decided then n dere in tesco i would treat the girls to naan n tikka masala... since aku pun tais liur mliat... haha... calie... n ice cream yg i bot ani lg yg 2 litres... selahaw... tp nyaman.. i dunno why i bot those stuff padahal aku atu kn bli roti sja... oh well...

so otw to the city td i saw a lot of people... strangely enuff i saw a lot of couples... hmmm.... saying sumthing much?? ntah eyh... kn tenang fikiran pun nda jd wah... depressing eh... i think dats why i bot a lot of stuff td atu kali.. ntah lh ah... aku pun nda tau napa aku rasa cani now... sdgkn aku ani nda jua sng kn terpengaruh kn bli mknan catu... nda apalah... sekali ani sja...

so saja kn luahkan... been reading a lot about kisah2 cinta urg on the net n i find a lot of them sweet... some of the things dat a guy can write to their significant others are so sweet that i cant believe the guys did that... n some ada yg cintanya nda kna balas n that they cant tell the ones dat they love atu... kesian lah... so td when i went to the city, i was recalling a lot of stuff... a lot of memories... a lot of nostalgia... a lot of feelings... i dunno eyh...

no mood today... dats why i feel kind of malas n stuff... i know i nd to do my work but i cant seem to find the strength to do them... not when i feel like this... n the fact that i feel like this is what is dragging me down...

i hate the feeling that i am weak when i think of you... i hate the feeling that i cant tell you a lot of stuff... i hate the feeling when i know someone else is with u... i hate the feeling when i know i have to get used to you being away from me... i hate the feeling of you being far away from me when all i know is that i want you to be beside me all the tym... i hate the feellings that i am not strong... it took me a long tym to be this strong n in an instant, you took this away from me... just like dat... i hate that...

on the other hand....

i love the way you smile, i love the way you tease, i love the way you have always made me feel better... i love the way you protect me, i love the way you make me feel, i love the way you know when to back off, i love the way you look at me...

so what to do?? nothing, but to wait n see... i will forge on being a strong-ish lady. i will continue on as if my heart isnt crumbling. i will continue to be happy even when i am not fully happy... ppl have been doing this their whole lives... so why cant i? i can do this... i just have to keep telling myself that... i have to~~~

i am glad~~~

20th feb 2009 friday 1520 hrs;

last nyte i was once again in my lowest state ever... i was sad... i miss Sam... didnt wanna get bekumpul w the girls coz i know i will cry tu sma drg...i did cry though when i was alone in my room... stupid hormones...

but last nyte, they are all worried... all of dem asked if i was olryte... sumtyms i worry if i am becoming transparent... they know me so well now... especially simah n deena.... i think coz we spend tym a lot now... its hard to believe dat it has been only 4 mths together now n we know when to ask n when not to... scaryyyyy......

so last nyte deena panggil aku msuk bilik simah to just hangout... i appreciate the effort deena... i feel a lil better d bilik simah... so tq...

anyways, simah dgn sipu2 nya tanya m i ok or not... n as usual i sed i was ok... but yea~~~ i wasnt, not really... we watched 7 pds last nyte n it was siuk... hehe... tp nda abis... but i felt better after watching the movie last nyte... thanx leng... u owez know how to make me feel better... love you...

i know i feel better today... i might feel down nanti who knows.... but i kinda feel i will go carzy without my girls having my back.... so thanx simah, deena, nyssa, yanie n greyz... u guys are the bestest ever!!! i love you guys...

enuff said~~~

19th feb 2009 thursday 2156 hrs;

...i miss you...

we can never be so i surrender. its best if it is that way

...will never question...

-the end-

and so it goes...

19th feb 2009 thursday 1813hrs;

it's our reading wk nie this week... as usual tym reading wk, no reading is done, contrary to what readng week stands for... ntah ah.. malas lah.. lately its been a week of fun sja... sipun semua urg bekurung dlm bilik n d house is sunyi, its Deena's bday week so its a fun week... hehe... n oso.... thanx to Simah, aku liat Hindustan movie d youtube... KHABIE KHUSHI KHABIE GHAM... seronok nyer... m s Hindusani freak so aku blik2 nada arrh perkumpulan d gangz salnya aku blik2 masuk arh bilikku kn liat K3G... syok eyh.. liat ah kmu... if u want lah... but highly recommended from me... first liat Kuch Kuch Hota Hai dulu den liat K3G... u wont nyasal... bnr.. i liketo the max... hehe... anyhoo... so aku nda buat kaja ku... i know i know... nda batah lg due n stuff...

amidst all this, i kinda feel all mushy inside... maybe sal its d tym of the month but balik semula episode ku sedih2... rumah lg sunyi sja... now its hard for me to kuarkn wut i feel coz i kinda feel bnr2 sad n depressed... i dunno why... i need bapa... i miss bapa... the voice of bapa aritu madde my day n i cant stop smiling... i love my dad....very very much... i miss home nowadays too!! oh well, nya c noi nda batah lg blik so m looking forward to it... i wanna run from all this and just be in BRUNEI.. brunei, tanahairku.... i appreciate brunei now... okeh random~~~

i think sal aku oversleep ani aku nda brapa thinking clear.. adios people... malasku kn type lg lah... nantiku upload pics... if i feel like it...

this song~~~

this song reflects what i feel inside, as much as i share, nobody ele knows what is inside of me but me...

Lyrics

wut do i feel ryte now?? a recap~~~

8th feb 2009 sunday 1926hrs;

i know it has been a long tym since i last updated... but i have stuff to do n i'm still contemplating whether to kep my blog private or public... coz the thing is, when i read back my previous blogs, i come off as a person who isnt in contrl of her emotions, not in control of herself, harsh and dependent... that is a lot to receive from a stranger's view... so i'm still thinking...

a recap...

i said no to Sam, still think dat is the best hing to do... h understands... but i am afraid that i will be weak and say yes... even now, i miss him really much, i miss him coz my heart aches for him... i miss him coz even now when i said no to him, he understands n stood by and let me be me... other ppl would've memajal to pester n stuff but he understands me n he doesnt want to pester me that much... i feel so weak whenever i think of him... but i will stay strong here with my friends coz they are the only ppl who knows me...

second thing, i was worried with kapjah coping with the kids ryte?? well, abg mori is here now... so at least kapjah ada moral support n physicl support... so i need not worry n just concentrate on my life here... so dat i am thankful to Allah coz now kapjah can study n concentrate on being a student... coz i know she is struggling...

third and last...

i miss home... whenever i sleep alone, i always recall the way bapa smiles when he picks me up from school and jokingly asked me to drive the Pregio van... haha... basr gila kali ah pregio ah... i miss Bapa... he seldoms smile for the camera but i got one pic of him smiling... n i wanna blow dat one up and taruh arah bilik so i can hug him whenever i fell homesick... i miss Bapa... lamah rasaku eyh without him here with me... i cry but nobody knows... even in the midst of hapiness with Eyah celebrating her bday here, i still yearn for my home... at home, i feel safe... at home, i feel secure... at home, i feel loved... at home, ADA BAPA!!!

okay.. dats the recap for all the happenings.. all the feelings that i have felt for the past few days... i cant control what i fell so i let it out here coz i dunno where else to go to...

another thing i have to get off my chest is this question:

how can you tell if someone is in love with you?? my friends, leave a taggy and answer this question, coz i wanna know what u think...

for me, i know that i love that someone when i feel lonely whenever that person is not with me... not enjoying the same experience as i am... i know i love that someone when i would rather spend my time with that person than do anything else... i know i love that someone when i do not mind sharing... i know i love that someone when i know that their smile that is directed only for me is what made my day... i know i love that person when i only care what they think of me... i know i love that someone when i would go to the ends of the Earth for them... i know that i love someone when i feel that that person is the only one that matters.. everything else doesnt... i know i love that someone when their hug made me feel better... i know i love that someone when i find everything they have to say and do are interesting, when i feel that everyone else's stuffs are no big deal... point i am making is dat, i know when i love someone...

question is: DO YOU?? and would you dare to tell them that you love them, in a serous manner and not infront of a lot of ppl and expect it to be nonchalant... tell them that you love them... dont be afraid... if it is worth you loving them, then you knw they wont reject you just like that... they wont.. they will give you a hug n tell you what they feel.. either way, you will feel better...

sometimes, the smallest things can make you fall in love with them... the way they walk, the way they talk, the way they smile, the way they look at you in that special way only they know how... the way they care about your well-being... even if they feel that they look ugly, you feel that they are the most beautiful being in the whole world... the fact is, love will triumph... as always...

so my msg for today is leave a taggy and ans the qn: how can you tell if a person loves you.. or when u know u love that someone... tell me... i wanna know...

another thing... when and if you love someone, TELL THEM... dnt wonder what will happen next coz u know they wont rejact you totally... so TELL THEM!!!

Adios n farewell chica~~~ i love you all... you read my stuff n might think u know me, but there are a lot of things buried deep inside of me that only me and Allah know... and i wanna keep it that way... so, assalamualaikum...

i'm sad...

thursday 29th jan 2009 1232hrs;



m here infront of Shaeyna, willing my feelings of sadness away coz i dont wanna be sad during my very busy week... bnyk prez kali ah.. n notes to do n lectures to catch up on...



but i cant will away the feeling that kapj is struggling... she's alone now in birm salnya dina has gone back to Brunei n now kapj tgl sorang2 wif the kids. m here in kent coz i have classes n stuff.. plus birm is jauh kali ah.. i use two coaches to g to birm.. all in all, dlm under 6 hrs ku k birm.. so actually i would love to drop everything n just dgnkn kapj but i cant.. coz i have responsibilities n obligations as a student here... astah... m torn... i wanna study bnr2 since ani last semester n plus my kraja betimbun... but i still feel sad for kapj... cian ia sorang2... i wish i can just teleport back n forth or i can just drop school n stay wif kapj... owh well, such is life... not one good break when crunch tym comes... v.pessimistic is what i feel now.. ntah ah...



also, since kawaii blik udh, m still trying to adjust my life back here in kent... coz i cant just adapt trus2 jadi student when all the while she was here aku jd cam tourist cam ia... it is as if the feeling was that i was on hliday with her... i miss her...

btw, it is sunday now, 1sst feb 1125hrs... i got stuff to do so i didnt update as much... so yea~~~

for now, i am satisfied with the thought that kapjah said she was alright... she said so. she insisted that she's okay..

so i am happy for now... but i will visit her asap next wk... i cant wait...

okay ppl, will update soon... about gd things i hope...

gymz revised~~~

thursday 1048hrs 22nd jan 2009;

had a gd nyte's sleep n ani aku bru bngun... reread my previous post n i found myself to be really kasar... but i was angry last nyte.. still am actually... n still not ready to have to do anything with fiz... but i feel more calm now... kaka boll is an understanding person... she'll understand... i just have to explain it to her...

i know i might scare some ppl away with my previous post but really, other tyms i'm a reasonable person. felt like i wanted to delete the whole post last nyte coz i find it silly now but now i am gonna let it be... why u say?? so i can reflect on it n remember how i felt last nyte... how betrayed i felt... and i will leave the post as it is, kasar enuff ss it is... just so i can remind myself not to be so trusting...

so, i fell somewhat calm-ish after bngun... but not ready to forgive... maybe in the future... wee'll see... yup, we'll see... let me be~~~

adios ppl... jantah tanya ah... i dont wanna be rude, but i wanna keep this whole story to myself... yg posted atu sja yg u know... okeh.. babai....

just be strong~~~

thursday 0234hrs 22nd jan 2009;



yes yes i know its late... i dnt care... lately aku cam night owl nie... awal bngun n den ahir tidur... takutku ada panda eyes...



okeh... blogging tym, n knowing me, i am an emotional blogger... so i write what i feel like at the moment... so excuse me...



chatted with fizah td... lets just say, me n her had a falling out coz of what she did... lets just say, what she did is not what true friends do to each other... what did she do u say?? she wasnt a gd friend... that's what she did...



all this while, i was close to her n stuff, i told my secrets n she told hers... give n take... got it... secrets safe but my secrets werent... stupid woman just told kaka boll yg aku pernah jatuh cinta arah urg yg ada punya... stupid stupid... sorry for the swearing... aku nda suka ia tym ani.. she's not my friend anymore... maybe i'll ubah my fikiran but for now i banish her...



so kaka boll confronted me td... ia ada ntar email arah ku.. nya how could you... u knew my story n yet u do this arah urg lain... u know how i felt like msa my story happened... n yet ko buat jua cni... n i warn u never ever do that... but u are doing what that woman did to me jua... why?!!! argh.. fizah ah!!! m so pissed at her ryte now... it's one thing that she told sum1 but to tell kaka boll about it is just so WRONG!!! she's been through it n fizah told her anyway... if fizah ada dpnku tym ani, i would just pusing my back to her.. that's a sign that i banish her outta my life... turning my back to sum1 means dat i cant accept her in my life... so yea i pusing my back to her... permanently i think...



banci saya eyh... n she had the guts to say yg ia sorry, doesnt mean it n dat she doesnt want to lose me as a friend/sister... i told her she just lost me... as anything... i said anggap aku ani nada apa2 sma ko.. we have no history, we r no longer friends... too much u say?? dont say that.. she knows me better than this... she knows never to tell.. n yet she did... argh stupid!! marah tia ka boll nie... abisku eyh... shit!!! of all ppl, ka boll fizah? how could u? do u hate me that much? i dunno if i can forgive u now... if ever..



you dunno when another might need you,

you dunno if one depends on you,

you never knew how one really feels towards you,

you never know when you need another,

you never know when hurt can overcome,

so be strong,

be strong,

be strong....



my current friends: i am not a harsh person n u guys know dat... for this one thing, i ask u to excuse me... i dont plan on feeling this way.. i never buang my friends.. i appreciate them... i appreciate you.. but this betrayal i cant take... to morrow ia another day to get through... tomorrow i will put on a brave front n just smile eventhough i feel like i want to talangkn everything inside... tomorrow i will not feel better so excuse me ah kent friends... might not be in a gd mood tomorrow... or i might seem like im okay but believe me im not...



this betrayal i cant take... me n fizah have been friends since ever... she's my sister... she's my compadre... she's my bestfriend... of all ppl fizzy??? kaka boll... u know she'll kill me.. u kno her story jua kn?? stupid thing u did n d consequence is dat u just lost me n i never will come back... not saying sorry to u, but i need to get away... i am so pissed off!!



the thing i am thinking ryte now is that to give you ppl out there who have betrayed their friends in any way an advice...: so you lost a friend... n u think dat u lost them coz of a tiny thing u did... maybe its not tiny to them... have u ever thought of that? have u ever thought that the reason u lost them is because u made them leave?? YOU MADE THEM LEAVE... your acts made them leave you n made them find solace somewhere else... so ppl, if ever u feel that ada friends that u have lost.. think!!! maybe it isnt them.. n maybe it isnt other ppl's fault.. but maybe IT IS YOU!!!! think about it... maybe it is because you appear to not care made them leave you... u are who u are.. ppl just discovered that is who u really are... (sum1 told me dat, n i think dat is really true... malay translation?? harimau dh nampak belang lah!!!)



so have a think... why have you been renggang with that person? why have you been not in touch with them?? maybe it's you... you cant blame them for leaving you.... maybe they NEED to leave you coz they are better suited elsewhere... maybe they left you coz they feel better elsewhere...



to ppl who read this, i am sorry for being pessimistic... i am not in an optimistic mental state now... i am not sorry howeever to u fiz... this is unforgiven!!!



this post is not meant to hurt anybody except fiz... i know i sound really harsh but i cant take this act of selfishness... i cant.. not while i am in a not-so-gd mood.... not while i am still thinking about sam... argh... i am gonna kill you!!! damnit!!! fiz, u'll be happy to know i am crying while writin this... remember how i cried tym anis punya bapa bawa anis migrate? i am crying more than that... my tuala is basah now n my fav bantal basah... u did this... u know kaka boll's punya opinion n respect n advice means a lot to me... how could you...



on another diff note: simah damam tym ani... cian eyh... but simah is a strong woman.. she can take care of herself n others at the same tym.. she can pikul other ppl's burden while still shouldering hers.. so i salute u leng... get better soon so i dont worry of your pale complexion... her being damam makes me think of when enoi damam n lamah.. i bring her food to eat n drinks... enoi let me take care of her bt simah is stronger n she takes care of herself... n gatal hatiku kn jaga simah cam aku jaga enoi but simah wont let me... so... i'll settle for asking how she feels evry tym i see her first thing in the morning... get well soon ah geng.. eyh.. oops... leng.. no worries, u're still my daleng... :P



p/s: so mixed emotions... in summary, m angry at fiz. cian simah. missing enoi. hating fiz. missing sam. hating sam. loving sam sal ia understand i need my space now n ia nda contact. i know u worry now sam but m okay.. remember what i owez say?? i am a self-sufficient woman... so just continue not contacting me eventhough it kills you... my blog cn be your go-to place when u think of me... it's okay... i wouldnt forbid u to read... just dont say anything.. let me just be honest. being honest now?? i miss you... talking to grace td sal febreeze spray made me think of you n sumhow i miss you terribly eventhough these last few days i am able to ignore dese feelings... but td atu bnr2 i thought of you... so i cried... but m fyne now... just sad it got this way... wish it was different... why now i miss you , u ask? coz ingat u use the orange febreeze fabric spray to harumkn c bomb? i have a febreeze pink... so dis is my weak moment... willl get over it soon, i hope... continue::::: conclusion?? miss family, enoi, SAM n several others... sorry to kaka boll... its okay i wont do it again... i dont plan on taking sam anytym soon...

i wish all ppl to just have a think... think before you talk... consequences ppl!!! remember...
i wish all the sick ppl to be better, insyaAllah sabar n Allah will cure you...
i wish n pray that Brunei will be okay n no more banjir n no more casualties... inalillah to teh ones that have gone before us... Allah love them more...
i wish i can a chance in loving someone who loves me back while at the same tym it isnt wrong to love each other...
i wish SIMAH to be better...
gd nyte ppl n assalamualaikum... may Allah bless you...
stop Gaza tragedies!!!

start of the term~~~

tuesday 20th january 2009 2313hrs;

it's the 2nd day of term n yet it feels as if it is nearing exam term... why u say?? it has been really quiet around the house lately, what with everybody feeling stressed out after the holidays knowing that this semester is nearing our exam term... nda batah lg wah... like seriously... so our rumah yg andangnya bising dr dulu isnt our bising home anymore... i kinda dont like it... okeh okeh... i'll be honest... i hate it.. i dont hate it hate it.. but i dont like it either... i want to be able to just pop in ppl punya bilik whenever n just sit n talk but since semua urg ttp pintu n blajar n diam, i feel kinda like kacau so i dont hangout anymore... i feel sad eyh... coz nowadays it brings me back to Earth when i know that this is the real world. i asked for me to be here n now i am, so i have to deal with it.. i may not like it that much but i will definitely have to put up with it.. however, i feel like i'm back in Tahfiz now... back in Tahfiz i was miserable. i wasnt a good student, wasnt a good teacher, wasnt a good haafizoh n generally wasnt a good person... everything was going wrong for me there.. i realise dat i am not one to be forced to do anything... if i dont like it, it usually was clearly seen on my face expression... now dat i am older, i learn to tapis my features n just generally be more aware of what everyone is thinking n then maybe choose to let my feelings show or not.. whichever is good at that tym...

in Tahfiz i found that i dont really know myself well.. i know dat i was a person who was confused... a person who was torn... a person who was feeling abandoned not knowing how to deal with it... it was a hard tym but somehow i have become a better person in STPRI... in STPRI i became me... i realized who i was as a person... who i am to other ppl... how i affect ppl... how i am kinda a part of somone's life... i realise then what the meaning of a real friend... so kudos for my girlfriends: Kamilah, Jamiiad, Faats n Jihah!!! i really love u guys!!! we have always been honest with each other n we dont judge each other n we genuinely are ikhlas with each other... until now even when tani jauh w each other... you guys are the first girlfriends i have ever had n i thank u for it.. i know u guys have contributed greatly with me being who i am now... i miss u guys terribly... n i wish for everyone else that they will have friends like u guys... my sistahs from a different mother!!! n father too!!! hehe lame....

so i have evolved... i know who i am now... ppl might not know who i am inside really n i hope ppl just see the best things in me because i genuinely feel that i have 2 better myself so i cn really be honest n ikhlas with ppl... my new year's resolution is to just be a better everything n i hope i can control my temper n my mood coz i dont like staying mad at someone n then have to pretend that i still am okay with that person... i just dunno how to deal with it... i hate being a two-faced person... i just want to be able to just be a person who is always able to be honest n speak my mind without caring what other ppl think but i generally am a person who is just a deep thinker n sometyms if a thing that made me feel so angry or upset will sit with me for a long tym, i feel that it is just wasting my energy n tym... i just cant be bothered... i have better things to do...

i am currently trying to ignore the feelings i have inside that has me torn... i am able to let it go a lil bit... but now with the house being quiet n all, it kinda creeps in a bit.. i dont like it.. i really wanna let go.. it just kills me dat i know i can do it but it takes tym... i will triumph... that will be my mantra...

guess what i have been tinking lately?? that i know i am nearing the end of my sadness n i dunno if it is too soon to celebrate or just that celebrating is wrong... i dunno... i feel that my sadness is ending but at the same tym, i know i am not completely over it... okeh, i just answered my own qn... i realized just now dat i am not completely over it... but i am better... i do not cry every day now... i dont remember "the thing" too often anymore... i am able to not be jealous, although at tyms i find myself wanting to be with you but i know i cant let myself... n so i am continuing my cold turkey system of avoiding u n just be me... i need to study... i know i hurt whenever i see or knw u are with sumbody else n dat other ppl feel like they want u for themselves because they knew u first... it hurts... i might be ok with it on the surface but i am crying inside... things will never be the same again...

what i know is dat: i now have really the bestest friends anyone can ever hope for... my girlfriends [Milah, Jambooze, Hateem n Chombi]; my girls {Simah, Yanie, Grace, Nyssa, Deena}; my sisters (Ka PJ Booteyhlicious, Kawaii Rockstar, Enoi Sung Min)... i love u guys coz i know i can turn to u with my probs n provide me somehow or the other with advise or a simple nod of understanding... without u guys i will not be the same person i am now... so i thank u...

i cried for the past few days now, coz i have been stressed out coz i feel like i am adjusting myself back to being in Kent coz before this i was with family... i get homesick easily now n i try to not show it to other ppl but i know that it shows sumtyms... but i deny it coz i know ppl have probs too so i can deal with dis on my own... i know my limits so i will say if i cant tahan it... on monday, when i got bek from klas, i locked my door to my room n just sit on the floor, breathless... i had a panic attack... my body was cold all over, i was sweating, i was shaking... i frightened myself... i thought i was gonna have a seizure or sumthing... but i talked myself into not worrying anybody n just relax.. after a few mins, i was okay again... but again i found myself crying... my neck was literally basah from the tears that i didnt know i had shed... i dunno wut happened then... i was just sitting there not thinking but at the same tym thinking about everything... but i guess i was shocked to be back in Kent... cam the very first tym aku smpai cni... i wanna go home... even when simah katuk pintuku i wasnt able to buka coz i know i cant open the door yet... i was a mess... i cant open the door n look like hell... so sorry leng... aku nda buka...

my new yr's resolutions are vast... mostly be a better person... a better student n all that jazz... but in my heart of hearts, i prayed to Allah profusely to jauhkan that feelings for somebody coz i know it is just a no-no... a big no-no at that... so far Allah answered my prayers coz it is bekurang... i dont feel as jealous as i was... i dont feel the need to be as obvious as i was coz "the thing" is my territory... but occasionally i feel pangs of it but Allah saja tau cana seksanya i feel whenever i feel jealous n stuff... little things man!!! ntah lah... breathe in n out... i will trumph...

adios ppl, jaga hati orang ah, jan ckp bnyk so u dont offend ppl, so i grab this opportunity to say sorry to all who read this blog n the older posts.... if i hurt u in some way i'm sorry... i dont mean it at all... maybe i meant it then but i dont now... before u say anything, think first... if someone hurt u, tell them, let them know.. remember to sembahyang... solat, zikir... last2 Allah tmpat kmu cari n pergi n kembali... so try to be a good Muslim n sempurnakan smbhyg 5 waktu atu... i will definitely try my best to follow my own advice...

assalmaualaikum.... may Allah bless u, forgive all your sins, your family be wealthy, your family having the best health states of all, umur panjang n penuh dgn iman... if ada conflict, solat... if hati tak tenang, solat... if ada rasa yg tak patut ada, solat... insyaAllah Allah ndakn abandon u like anybody that had... be patient n Allah will forsake you... i learn to berserah... n it is fruitful... so surrender all ur being n soul n heart only to Allah... may Allah bless u through n through n a happy life... iilla antoom asrarulkabeer.... AMIN~~~ berdoalah!!!