gua kangen banget~~~~

saturday 28th march 2009 2225 hrs;

assalamualaikum all... gua kangen banget tym ni... lyk brabisly... i wanna just curl up on my bed n just be done with life here in Kent. i wanna go home n be in my room n just be glad dat i am home... knowing that things are hapenning at home that i dont like doesnt help either. i hate dis... oh Allah help me find salvation. pls help him... ease his pain n help him... i dont want him to suffer...help other ppl to help him... help him to be free n happy dont let him be sad and lonely... Allah help him, i beg of you...

some ppl out dere might think dat i am crazy to yearn for home when i live here with my wonderful friends, being independent n not be burdened by the difficult life at home. but i would rather have dat than be sad hre n missing... i miss home, i miss my DADDY, i miss zaki, i miss Enoi, i miss Sam... but i know dat being home doesnt guarantee my hapiness.. not at all.. instead it would further susahkan aku when i know Sam is in the same country... but Bapa will be dere n be my rock. whenever i feel lost or do not have any wer to go, i know i can owez go to Bapa. Bapa will give me the right advice even when i dont tell him stuff... i will never take Bapa for granted ever again. i will cherish Bapa brabis... salam tangan Bapa whenever i see him, cium tangan Bapa dgn bibir n not my dahi atau pipii, coz i know Bapa suka klw anak2 nya cium tgnnya dgn bibir rather than dahi or pipi. i wish i can just run now to hm n just be glad dat i am in the same vicinity as him, coz i know he doesnt judge. he truly doesnt judge... as much as i would like to think dat other ppl dont judge, i value Bapa punya opinion the most coz i know his opinion will be etched in my heart n mind tarus... i miss Bapa bnr2... i miss cooking for him whenever he comes down to the kitchen. i miss driving him around... waaa... i wanna go home...

also what i am thinking ryte now is dat i know i may never be ready to really let go, i know i have to... rindu atu memang akan sentiasa ada selagi i dont have Sam. but i know deep in my heart dat i am better off without Sam. but it doesnt help dat every single thing dat i see around me n feel around me i wanna share with Sam... i cant tell all of what is in my heart coz i know Sam is happy with Juliana... i really hope them well... may they be happy n get married n have children coz i know dat is what they ultimately want to do.. i cant compete with dat... i know i cant... aku nda mampu utk bertanding when i know the love that they have felt for each other for so long is agung n i cant disturb dat... but it doesnt help when i know that he has feelings as i do n dat he is torn... but he is more inclined to just be with Juliana coz they are meant to be with each other... he dreams of being with her n she dreams all her life to be with him... i cant compete with that... i am the newcomer.. i dont have the right... nobody does. they only have the right to themselves... i cant disturb dat n i never will.. i promise... it is with the utmost heavy heart that i am letting him go... forever this time... i cant handle being broken anymore, i know i cant handle it... i know i have to be independent n just do what i can to better myself... i have to focus my thoughts and my whole being into studying n not think about stuff... i know i can n i will... i know i can... again the mantra, i will triumph...

never in my heart do i ever know dat i will fall so hard and fast for Sam when i know dat what i am doing is wrong... but to be selfish, i need to say no.. i have then n i wasnt ikhlas, but i am saying no again now so i will triumph.. i am ready now, at least on the surface...

i will miss you Sam bcause i love you truly madly deeply... with all of my heart and my soul n my whole being... i know we can never be n i surrender... dis is my sacrifice, for i know a sacrifice is love in itself... pengorbanan adalah satu cara utk menunjukkan rasa cinta... n i do... i will owez love you n i will owez care for u... bt i understand... u love Juliana more than anyone n dat includes me, so i am letting you go.... i am sorry...

peace out, coz i dont have anymore tears to cry... i am spent~~~ ngalehku udah rasa cani ani...