truth's out n m done...adios~~~

29th dec 2008 monday 2105hrs;

and so the truth's out... blocked you, tried what i can n i hope u have a nice life, work out the probs with ur The One n leave me be... when u read this i hope u understand. n i plead u not to come here or even try to contact me...

as was said in The Holiday, i need to fall out of love with you n i hope u would let me... this was written by Iris to Jasper in an email. i know i am cruel by blocking u out. i know u nd me but i cant let u lean on me n the result being dat i will fall more in love with u. i cant!! u have Juli to think about... in this i need to be selfish. take solace in Juli n she will be happy.. she needs u... i know dat... u will heal as will i... i just chose to do it first... cold turkey style...

from now on, i will ignore u, from now on i will avoid u, from now on i will build my life without u in mind. i banish u from my mind n my heart. will force my heart to mend. will leave the door to my heart unlocked but it is closed for now n no one can enter until the lock is unbroken. for now the lock is broken because my heart is healing. n it will mend in tym, i know it.

and so, adios Sam... be with Juli... n be happy, if u are ryte for each other i am happy for u... who knows, maybe in the future we can truly be friends...

...goodbye...

...let me be...

what i gather~~~

today monday 29th dec 2008 2035hrs;

what i gather is dat i have friends, i have dreams, i have family who love me... that what i ask for n nothing more... does dat sound about right?? not really... dat was just me putting on a face, a brave front... i need more...

i am thankful for the generous and loving family dat i have, the very best friends anyone could ever hope for. i have those n i am thankful. what is missing for me now is the self-satisfaction that i did good. falling for someone is not one of them. dat was not a good thing to do. but to fall for someone who has a partner already is a BIG NO-NO for me. i cant afford to do that. i wanna erase all these feelings and just be someone that i know i am... i do not want to tear them apart... never in my life...

talked to a few of my good friends about this n all of them said i am not to blame... i beg to differ... i have to fall out of love with that person... i have to n i need to... my mind has made this decision n i am just waiting for my heart to listen... i am still waiting...

had a long chat with simah after she read my previous posts... it was on the 28th i think... i was feeling especially down on dat day coz i was thinking about it n missing the memories... chat with simah n lo n behold! she did not judge as deena didnt as well... therefore i am thankful dat i have them... gld dat i talked with them n feel better about it... i honestly did... talked a lil with jam but didnt tell all n talked with kam as well... all of them made me feel better... never in my life have i known such good friends as they... i will tell jeehah when the tym comes... n i am pretty sure she will not judge... and faats too...

and so today, i have made up my mind to just let go n avoid... avoid this issue n just go cold turkey. i will triumph... i alwys have n i will...

i am a strong gal... i have always known that.. but i am stronger with my friends having my back... i am thankful... i dunno what i would do without them...

and so my friends, i salute you... you have been the warmest most generous friends i could ever ask for... n i appreciate each one of you... just so u know, i will be there whenever u nd me... just as you have...

enough said... love ya guys!!! girl power!!!

"All By Myself"

When I was youngI never needed anyone

And making love was just for fun

Those days are gone

Livin' aloneI think of all the friends I've known

When I dial the telephone

Nobody's home

All by myself

Don't wanna be

All by myselfAnymore

Hard to be sure

Sometimes I feel so insecure

And loves so distant and obscureRemains the cure

All by myselfDon't wanna beAll by myselfAnymoreAll by myself

Don't wanna live

All by myself

Anymore

When I was youngI never needed anyone

Making love was just for fun

Those days are gone

All by myself

Don't wanna be

All by myself

Anymore

All by myself

Don't wanna live

OhDon't wanna live

By myself, by myself

Anymore

By myself

Anymore

Oh

All by myself

Don't wanna liveI never, never, never

Needed anyone

and so, true as can be, i am all by myself, i never could rely on anybody else but me. so i will only surrender to me n only me... only Allah knows how i hurt inside n i thank Him that He gave me the friends i have ryte now who understand n love me for who i am, not for what i did but for who i really am inside... my friends i love you all...

special note to Deena NDZ: thanx for understanding leng... will be dere if u nd me okeh?

me now~~~

friday 26th dec 2008 0041hrs;

still not asleep still tired but still full of feelings i cant comprehend...

m in birm now n missing my home in kent... i miss being independent n being able to do stuff on my own n just enjoy being around my friends... surrounded by ppl who love me... cooking with simah, laughing around n enjoying her company... laughing around with the gals in d middle of d nyte, eating snacks n generally just being comfortable...

all dis not to say dat i dont like it here in birm. i do.. i love it here.. my sis n my SyaShen are here... i am with family... i feel somewhat comfortable here but i feel really homesick when i am here.. i feel like i wanna go home but actually i am.. all i nd now is bapa n zaki.. waaaa~~~~

oh well, i will be home in ummm... 7mths... wow thats a long way away... honestly, i keep telling myself dat its just sekajap sja but bnrnya batah lg wah... i will triumph...

so, i discovered febreeze spray yg orange makes me think of you.. i miss u terribly.. esp now dat everything is quiet.. i will definitely buy the spray so i can spray it in my room when those days come n i miss u too much dat i weaken n have to give in to anything that reminds me of you.. i really miss u to heart.. i dunno why i feel dis way.. i know it isnt allowed, u have ur own significant other n i beg of u to be faithful but at the same tym i cant help but be selfish coz i want u as my own.. help me God!! please salvage me from this feeling... i dont wanna feel dis way n suffer.. pls be merciful n let me down gently... i nd to be saved n i cant help but pray dat dis feeling will disappear so i dont hafta feel dis way n not be really disappointed later.. i will miss u... at dis point, u are at the top tier of my priorities, the deepest place in my heart, the first thing that i think about in d morn n the last thing at nyte....

argh`~~ help me.. maybe if i find a different person to be obssessed with then i will get over you.. notice whenever u ask whether i am fine or not i will owez say i am fine but actually in my heart i am not n m craving for u... i crave for u but i know dat it will nt be n dat u will go away n i dread dat day.. i hope to goodness dat i will be able to let u go n be happy... i hope no one gets hurt n i will stop wutever it is we r doing n let u n ur significant other just be the couple dat u r.. so, i will again mengalah n try n be me... i know i will be forever ur friend... eventhough aku nda rela, i understand.. dis is who i will have to be forever coz i noe u n me wont happen... i do not want to be the person to break u guys up... its sinful!!! i will be here though if u still want me... or better yet, let my feelings be gone... shoo it away n stop being charming okay, so i wont fall for u on an everyday basis... help me God!!!

i will go now n dream about u coz dat is the only thing i can afford to do without falling for u again... i miss u... if u could feel everytym i miss u n crave for u, u wont sleep, u wont be happy coz u will feel the chronic pain, the everlasting hunger to be with someone u know u love but knows dat they dont love u dat way.. knowing that u will owez be friends but never more... my heart is breaking again... pls mend it n soon.. or break it totally so i know dat in the future to not let myself fall for anyone that suddenly n deeply.. i dunno how dis happened...

do not judge me for i do not judge u... do not look at me like i want to masuk campur urg yg ada sudah urg in their heart... i do not ask for me to feel dis way... i do not ask to fall for sum1 i know dont love me the way i love that person... i did not.. so save ur judgements n dont say anything to me cos i am trying hard to look away n ignore my aching heart... its hard enuff for me to feel dis way let alone face the judgements of ppl so back off!! i will tell when i am ready... but i know ppl who know me will be surprised n maybe stop being my friend... i dunno...

all i know is that i love fiercely, hate fiercely, compassionate, care deeply n i cant help feeling those things... so i will dry my damnest to stop feeling this way.. all i ask is for u who reads this to give me a hug n say i understand n i wont judge... i will appreciate it!!!

adios... sigh~~~

the feelings again!

saturday 20th dec 2008 2221hrs;

its hard when u fall fr someone who is loving and gentle and well-liked. its hard coz u nd attention as well... n when u nd the attention n it isnt there, u feel so wiped out. so un-you. it sucks. its like u hafta compete to get the attention of the one u love.

dats wut is happening to me now. i wanna talk to dat person but the person isnt here. i nd to talk n just be us. you n me.. but nudged you before didnt work coz u were busy with ur own stuff i guess. the fact that u n me isnt in the same country maybe contributing towards that. haha.. such bitter laughter. m sooo missing u but u're not here. soon u n i will be very far. i cant stand it anymore. oh crap.. dis is the tym when i nd to pray n seek salvation from Allah. but i cant. i nd peace of mind. its better for me to feel nothing than tis evrytym dis happens. icant put on this facade anymore. m owez feeling inadequate.

i know when u nd me m owez here. i made sure i did that. but u are not here wheni nd you. i nd you!! m letting it go but i really nd u, love... i seriously nd to pray. for now i will pray in my heart dat i will let go of you, of my feelings towards u, towards our memories. i cant let u in n dat maybe why u cant be here with me ryte now. its my own fault really. haha.. again ironic. i cant let u in coompletely but i nd you in a way dat i cant bear... i nd you...

never in my life i have been this way but i want to be with you in such a desperate way that i scare myself sumtyms. i want to be able to let go when u nd to go, coz i know i am not as important as your family n friends but u owez come to me when u nd me. i know u're not psychic but i nd u to understand. my heart is breaking. i nd u to acknowledge that. never have i been this deeply hurt, so pls help me in understanding that i cant tell all to u esp now that i know ur stance in life. i know...

sigh~~~ so what if u're not here n me not there. we can still live like. its not like we are each other's air. but sometyms i do feel u r my air.. i cant function without u.

i know dat there are more important n worthwhile stuff out there for me to think. but i cant function well without u. u literally brighten my day. u are the only one that cn get me to smile wheni am in agony, even if i was in agony because of u. owh well... i need to prepare for the day when u nd to go, when u nd to leave me n when u nd to be you.. be the one you wanna be. get married n have a family of your own. i will too someday but i knw deep inside u'll still be the love of my life, the one who i would die for. the one that makes my life meaningful, my heart beats whenever u are here, near me. i can feel you even if u are in brunei n me in UK.

i know u wont get that this is u that i am talking about but i hope somehow u feel the same n dat by some miracle, u will approach me n get the truth out of me. i get tired of waiting for u sumtyms... i feel so down... pls be online all the tym n be wary of my presence... i'd do anything for you... u know dat ryte... even if u're not with me, i know dat i have a special place in your heart n u in mine...

last words from my broken heart to you is dat i am deeply n madly in love with u but u do not know n i guess never will. so i leave u with a heavy heart n hope dat i can treat u as no one special. i love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

no one shall know n no one will know... i nd salvation, always... craving for u to understand n be with me owez... i love u n i nd you. i hope that we will can work this out, so help me god if i cant be with u... but i will try n be with u owez...

adios~~~ sighing all the way....

my arse~~~

thursday 18th december 2008 1722hrs;

ok.. so i've been obssessing about my arse since ever ryte salnya tym aku pkai jeans aritu i saw myself in the mirror arah tangga n i discovered i dont have my usual junk back there. man!! i tot ada.. but apparently non-existent.

so wut i did was ask the guru of juburz n dat was simah. she said aku nada jubur tym atu. i did not feel puas ati n trus dpn mirror d bilik n stood on a desk n checked..

LO N BEHOLD!!!! my arse is still dere. i tot it was gone. but still dere. may not have a bootylicious arse like simah n kapjah but hehe.. still cute n still considered as a good arse.

so in summary... I HAVE AN ARSE!!! I DO!!! HAHA.. n im happy... deal with it!!!

adios~~~ starbucks m gonna go... n jalan2 to city...

i miss you....

thursday 0234hrs 18th dec 08;

i miss you deeply~~~ every instance of everyday, every smell that makes me think of you, every car that passes me by makes me think of you.. n plus, m homesick!! i wanna go home.. badly.. missing you doesnt mek it better... u dont know anything do you?! it doesnt matter, it cant happen anyways... m trying to ignore you eventhough u r owez on my arse about feelings and stuff.. wuteva~~~~

bh eyh.. mlasku lagi kn layan ko lah ah... i hope the holidays in birm will mend my heart. i hope playing with my nieces and spending tym with my sister will make me miss you even less. although i know dat isnt possible.. but i will try... try my best, i can put up a brave front n i will.

so, adieu... malaskn buat panjang2 lg.. m too fragile... just leave me be. let me wallow in my sadness n i'll try not to wait for u coz i now its fruitless. dis tym i noe for sure. so my friends, jantah tanya ah, as usual... mlsku gtau... n i never will tell...

adios!! till next tym... the holidays await...

aftermath~~~

tuesday... erm.. wednesday 0318hrs, 17th dec 08;

okeh so did my prez w simah. went oryte... except for the conclusion part lah... salnya i put in the wrong one... hmmm.. its my fault lah but other than that its ok lah.. we were supposed to discuss sal sweden but guess what?!! we discussed sal brunei plang.. haha.... adakah... but it was fun.. klw discussion punya hal, n sal brunei, aku layan.. haha.. seronok eyh...

so anyhoo, as a reward to us sal kmi siap buat prez, me n simah went to town n asda n argos. sal simah kn bli straightener. but sadly nda jd salnya salah code so blikkan.. but she will definitely buy another one lah...sayang wah klw nda... but yea... she is buying one nie.. it was a really fun day.. me n simah went out ryte after class n trus k bus station. it was fun. kmi k boots, cium perfume, k asda n argos.. ckit lg kmi kn k wagamama n k starbucks.. haha.. but bek jua nda, tahan dlu nafsu atu.. haha... but we went out smpai kadai tutup.. it was fun.. that was gd! to release stress ryte after the prez.. hehe... i wanna do that again... nantilah plan2...

and so.. as usual, i m gonna sleep akhir salnya td i just finished my essay sal japan. dat was d fastest i had dine an essay. aroound 2000 words in two days... haha.. hardcore bnr.. but ani siap udah so i feel oryte.. haha.. even i danced with simah td arah grace n yanee.. kn dance arah deena tp kmi takut ia blajar.. haha... fun!! seronk siap kaja ani...

okeh n soooo...... my weight ani nda tia turun bnr.. oh well, m not gonna pikirkan sal atu lah.. aku kn buat kaja n nanti d birm aku bediet lg lah.. apa2 ajer lah... janji aku sehat.. haha...

okeh.. wanna go sleep n dream about that person (jgn tanya sapa salnya aku nda mau gtau sampai bila2!!) n dream dat i'm back in brunei n jumpa bapa n zaki. hmmm.... f only... i love my family.... i love that person with all my heart n soul jua... but loving both at he same tym is realising that the love are two whole diff thing...

okeh.. toolate in d nyte to be dat deep so im gonna sleep n leave it at dat....

adios... remember, even if no one tells u u r beautiful, somewhere deep inside the depths of this world, u are loved and dat for someone, u r beautiful. for someone, u r d most baik person. for someone, u r d most radiant. for someone, u r the most fragrant. for someone, u r d world. for someone, u r perfect. for someone, ur everything!!! dat person is my everything... if it shows, i dont care... i love you with all my being, my soul, my heart... i'll go to the ends of the earth for u...

bh eyh.. kn tidurku.. dont be alarmed.. m a hopeless romantic, so m kinda too intense... haha.. what can i saymost cooks are!!

nyte ppl... assalamualaikum...

my first presentation in kent~~

okeh, its thursday, 1014 hrs, 11th Dec 08;

krg aku present sama simah... thump thump... dont worry, dat's just my heart skippin a beat when i think about d presentation.. thump thump... argh takut saya eh.. hopefully all goes well... haha...

bh saja kn luahkan atu, be seeing u later... adios...

will update udah lapas...

bla bla bla essay~~

its 8th dec 2008, monday, 0458hrs;

so... guess wut im doing? buat essay... banciku eh... i noe... iatah nda buat awal2.. ani k london tah plang... astah... so anyhoo... yesterday erm..tadi??? aidiladha... so kmi smbyg magrib n isya, betahlil n takbir.. tym raya fitri aritu d kak may ndaku sedih sangat tp td i cried. no one saw but it was quite labat jua. i miss home badly!! skyped with them but not enuff.. wanna go home n paluk each one of them. really really wanting to cz m so stressed out man!! i wanna just drop my course n be free. be free to do anything. take up a cooking course or just la around d rumah in kiarong. i'll be oh so happy!!! oh well....

so lapas smbyg td i was feeling kinda down coz i miss bapa wah. but it was ok after i talked with the gals. it was fun. then we met the French gal yg Islam sama class d IR. her name's mariam. nice gal. very friendly. n she's 19. man! i was used to being the youngest in any groups but m one of the tua ppl here in uni. haha... tp bdn petite. becali...

malasku buat essay eh.. ngantookx lg ne... capi2 eh... owh.. just rememberd... kwn GG ada post jamming session drg. arah studionya!! wc happens to be my bilik! el stupido... islam dh bilikku atu eh. ani kapir tia! capie2. sasaku eh. ani terpaksaku mengislamkan balik nie. haha...

so anyhoo, m feeling satisfied pasalnya i know today that i am loved. i realised that like truly tym td msa smbyg atu. me n d housemates were talking n we were generally surrounded by this general feeling of peace n calmness. like we've accomplished something. we triumphed. we were celebrating a holy event. i love it. so as i was saying, i felt n know dat i am loved. when u say? when everything starts happening... when people smiled at me, when people touch me in an affectionate way, when people laughed at joke sthat i made, when simah cubit pipiku td coz apparently aku comel (huh? rupanya muaku cam tepuruk dlm tudung n telakungku, haha...), when kami smua besalam sma urg n some of dem cium pipi. i feel love. doesnt necessarily shown explicitly but the feeling is nice, no?

so i say, to hell with wht people think. i will smile at people. i will make people feel better. i will make me feel better! so adios n till i write again. whoever is reading this, know dat ppl love u for who u are, regardless of how u look, regardless of how u walk, talk or carry urself. be nice n ppl will be nice to u... dont be cranky!! eh nalehku udah eh.. kn tidur n sambung buat kaja eh..

bye n selamat hari raya!

assamualaikum!

went to london again!!!!

its 0356hrs in kent, sunday, 7th december 2008;

still up, still worried about my essay. hectic week!! rollercoaster emotions!! m pms-ing n ada bnyk assignments! crap!

n so the legacy continues, doing my work when it is nearly due. astah.. i nd to be more rajin.. kn buat new yr resolutionku eh.. haha... anyhoo, i went to london yesterday. blik dr london kul 8lalu. msuk trus rumah, greet the gals d rmh who are apparently doing work d kitchen. showed off my new coat! love it btw!! hugged&kissed simah n trus mandi.

so start at the beginning... woke up at 620ish in the morn, mandi n ate mie goreng. haha.. healthy?! not!!! kolled for a taxi the nyte b4 to pik me up kul 730 n true enuff, ada tia dtg.. haha.. i like the service here... sajuk bnr eh td ah... it was freezing cold! n sort off ada kabus jua n stuff.. haha... sajuk...

so i went on the train kul8am n yea.. aku nda pkai tudung. coz apparently ada Mumbai terrorists n my friends here ingau (look @ simah n deena... nadawah.. love u guys!!) so aku nda pkai tudung. i wore a pashmina tho.. haha... so arrived arah euston coz kapjah kn mau go dr sna. n the 1st thing that she said to me was wow, u have lost a lot of weight. n i was like finally!! if she sed it den it must be true! haha... n she said again n i feel like seriously kambang about dis... u've gotten small.. teehee.... haha... n den raihan dtg. (my cuzzy)... she sed aku mkin kurus... teehee again! haha... so tried on the coat that kapjah bought for me. lawa, puffy at the bek n lady-like... wow!! tp small arah d tgn.. i managed to lose some weight except for the tgn. haha... so we returned it i got a belted one instead.. i love it.. it makes me look even kurus-er... haha... lawa lah brabis... aku suka... with the ryte boots, i will be happy!!

so we went all over london. cant remember wer tho. salnya kmi go from one street to another.. ngaleh eh. but kapj was wearing ugg boots. not the comfy ones though mind u! it was a kitten heel one! n we jalan from morning till 6pm kali ah!! sakit tu eh...

it was fun.. kapjah bought me a coat, a Longchamp Lepliage design bag n food!! glorious food! yummy.. sushi at bento box, sushi at wasabi's... nyaman eh.... aku suka...cupcakes at buttercup's @ westfield! wow!!! best cupcake ever! red velvet!! yum~~~~

haha... m like so totally ngaleh.. westfield was large... siok brabis lah! we went to all d branded stores... haha.. dats kapj n raihan's turf.. i dunno anything about branded stuff... m a simple gal.. haha... otw to all the posh street, bnyk wah krita lawa. bentley's (convertible.. my fav!), lexus (simah fav SUV car), mercs, bmws... seriously!! kaya eh urg sna ah...

owh n kmi kuar dr fendi ada tia urg minta sedakah.. haha.... not funny! i feel bad lg... oh weell....apparently if u give them once then u will be a target. so we jala sja...

subway!! bought 3 foot longs! 2 meatball marinara n one steak n cheese.. nyaman~~~ we ate it last nyte... d gals like it... so officially every ubd gals like subway!! yaaay!!! nanti ada dgn kn k subway... haha... so kapj ate briyani atu.. n it was yummy!! owh n the fact that i diidnt finish my nasi before at bento box made kapj tekajutz.. haha... n even sharing with her we cant finish the nasi... bnyk wah ia bg... hehe...

so went bek home, feeling eager coz i wanna shower n be comfortable n do my work n plus i miss simah.. wink wink... haha.... bnyk kali ah assignmnts! so i've settled down.. buat kaja from midnyte till kul 1 lalu... got 500+words den i slept... woke up at 235am n smbyg isya'.. i know i know.. its late but i smbyg kn... n pintu kaabah buka so i prayed... i feel calm-ish now.. got my mojo to do my work n so....adios... aku kn buat kaja....

wanna go to london tym boxing day eh.. any takers?!! haha... cuti kali ah dh tym atu.. haha... i feel content being here in my 2nd home, kent! but its f-ing cold!! getting used to it but no heater?! seriously... bh eh.. ngaleh.. adios amigas n amigos... till next tym...

p/s: ignore my posts that are very disturbing.... m normal person. i dont wanna delete the previous posts salnya nda th ku ingat... so bear with me okeh... c ya!!!

assalamualaikum....siged out at 0423hrs....yawn~~~~ ooops..... buat kaja eh!!!!

crap~~~

december 3rd 2008, wednesday, 1720 hrs.

crap! crap! crap! ARGH!!! i hate politics, i hate life here. wanna go home...

n den dis happens... argh!! sasakku eyh!! antah eyh. ya Allah jauhkan rasa cemani ani... i dont wanna feel this way any more... pls release me!!

gonna shoo you outta my life, go shoo the memories that you've made with me.. gonna treat u as no one special, even when the reality is that ur the closest to my heart...

bloody hell!! m outta here!! gotta do my politics crappy crap...

signing out.. wuteva!!

okeh i geddit~~~

assalamualaikum... n hola ppl...

so im deep, so what. so im sad. so what. so im emotional. so what. i amonly human. hehe... ntah eh... i feel better today lah.. oh btw its friday 28th nov 2008 1521hrs... as usual procrastinating myself... ada bnyk essays n assignments kn d tulis but on the whole i am totally malas!!! hate the weather.. weather cani makes me wanna be in front of the tv n just laze around. cant afford to do dat salnya aku nada tv n aku bnyk kaja. crap!!

so... my previous post ani sort of like urgh kn? when i read it i was like napa kn aku ani. but m better now. largely thanx to simah lah.. last nyte i had a talk with her n she comforted me. she understood n i am grateful. really needed that talk. thanx simah. dunno wut i would do without you... meant wut i said about family leng ah... shhh.... thanx loads!! only Alah knows how i really appreciate that conversation. thanx to u leng i feel better... love you!!

so..moving on... lapas my talk wth simah, ada deena masuk n den kmi tiga cerita batah2 den ada yanee.. bnyk kmi ckpkn ah.. bri takut punya crita pun ada jua.. hehe.. nearly tidur arah simah punya rm but malas eh...hehe... tp tetidurku pkai kacamata... nda lg kn tebuka kacamata ah... ngantuk bnr2 udah.. hehe... anyhoo.. was a fun nyte, a revealing nyte, a scary nyte, a hugely relieveing nyte (ada kh tu word atu?). last nyte was gd..

so.. erm... mlsku kn tulis lg eh... nantitah lg... oh well... hehe... i miss bapa!!!

bh c yous.. chowsters... adios muchachas!!

sadness all the way~~~

i feel so blue. all the tym.. is there something wrong with me?! i've alwez wondered. everyday there will always be something that makes me sad. the fact that i am not a sharing kind of person doesnt help it much. i am a complex being. no one can ever understand me much. for now, i am a loner. a separate being from this reality i call life. i am who i am. will i ever accept me as myself? i feel gratitude towards The Almighty for His hand in everything i do, keeping me safe whenever i am in danger. i pray for my sake that He will protect my heart from cracking every single thing anyone did that hurt me little by little.. little cracks in my heart in a large quantity will equal a big broken heart. i have a lot of love to give, i just wish everyone feels the same. i wanna feel some love. but for now, i am alone.

friends try n tried to cheer me up but it doesnt work. I JUST WANT YOU TO FOCUS ON MY FEELINGS!!! not the others. okay?!! argh.. ntah eh... napakan aku ani....

i wish to goodness that i will triumph from being so depressed all the tym, coz i know i cant stand this at all... i wanna feel normal. i wanna go home where Bapa can be my rock. i miss bapa... i need bapa n zaki. cannot function without my family by my side. why?!! i want to be here before, why regret it? i dunno... wut the hell have i gotten myself into?!!

i give my love, my heart, my soul. take me as i am. my heart is still yours. it only takes your realisation to complete this never-ending circle... be with me!! ask how i am doing, ask how i feel today, ask how i feel in general. why dont you do that. i hate tag-alongs!!! argh.... Allah help me!!

i dont wanna feel this way. i constantly pray to Allah that He takes these feelings away so i can share you, so i can just fill the void in my heart with my stuff rather than u. n fill my soul with all the blessings n love other people are giving me, rather than waiting to receive yours. ouch my heart... its cracking... a few more n it will be broken. when it is tym for it to be broken through n through, u cannot be in my heart, sweetheart for i will close it n never open it for you ever again. so be quick~~ stop being gentle n force your way in... i am still waiting~~

no love is greater than what i feel for you. if you look closely, you are the only one that can mke me feel happy. you may notice that i dont tell you a lot but i tell you more than what i told other people. be aware!! i love you but i cannot tell you without the consequences... i cant stand the consequences... i know i cant. it will push me over. m on the verge...

urgh... whatever!! i am too emotional... forgive me if i made you doubt me, forgive me if ever i make you feel sad n wishing i hadnt done what i did, forgive me if i cannot tell you i love you...

forgive me for being frank but at the same tym not frank at all... please understand i cannot tell all!! shhhhh.....

~~~~~~~sigh~~~~~~~

~~~~~sigh~~~~~

~~~sigh~~~

~sigh~

...sigh...

i am deep~~~its open for discussion...

2316hrs wednesday 26th november 2008;

tonight went for a walk to the library. been doing that a lot lately. its my so-called exercise. dont judge me!! last nyte went with deena, tonyte went with deena n simah. yesterday my mood was allryte but tonyte......

hmmm.... i think too much. i started being very cheerful tonyte coz i was washing my clothes. evrytym i wash my clothes i will feel very satisfied n hence feel very happy. so went down n cooked n eat with simah. she cooked her mom's curry. yummy btw!! i was d assisstant. then when it comes to baca doa, i laughed in the middle of bedoa. which was seriously stupid of me!! balik2 udahku cani. i hafta stop. why did i even laugh. there wasnt anything particularly funny tonyte!! argh!! i want to always be on my toes n not laugh all the tym. but somehow dat isnt me. i laugh. i make people laugh. all the tym. to stop is just so un-me... i constantly pray that Allah will help me in everything i do n not to let me get overboard but in the end, i will have the final say. to laugh or not to laugh. i laughed. n dat was a mistake.

moving awy from that, i went to library with simah n deena. in the middle of my deep thoughts otw to the library, dere was a huge dog that passed on my path. i didnt see the wretched dog!! i could've easily betayamum tonyte u know!! ergh!! stupid me fr not looking ahead n buried deep in my mind!! next tym i will know...

and so~~~ i am a deep thinker. why? i dunno. mayb thats my nature. i was once a reckless girl. still am sometyms. but i taught myself to be careful of wut i say n do. in d process, i think. from dat i became a deep thinker. i constantly torture myself to analyse every single thing that is happening in my life. i know its not gd but i do it anyways. so friends forgive me if i seem to ignore you or made you worry but i am who i am. i think. too much u think? yes. i think too much. but i will try to change it. deep inside, i am as insecure as anybody but i know that in this world you must steel your heart n face the world. if u r soft n u try to take on the world, you're dead. the world's a wild one. so take chances. be good to yourself n others. so i think. i think before i do anything conscious. thats who i am. for now i cant change. in the future, who knows... it remains to be seen.


i hope i will triumph. i am not who i was. i am who i am. i am a deep thinker. a cook. a passionate person. a fierce friend. a potector. a judgemental person but asks for everyone not to judge her. i think too much. i am a romantic at heart. i am a good listener. a good hugger. might be a good kisser, i dunno yet. might be a bad one instead, who knows... no one can change me. Allah doesnt change people who do not wanna change themselves. only i can change myself... n i will when the right tym comes. only Allah knows... i hope to change for the better. i hope to be a better person. a better devotee to Islam. a better student. a better daughter. a better sister. a better FRIEND, a better hugger, a better shoulder to cry on, a better comforter.

friends, do not be scared. this is who i am. but i am still the friend that u know. that u might or might not love. i cant change how u feel towards me. but i only request that u will not change ur attitude towards me now that u know how i am inside. dont stray away from me. evn if i am silent n seem different, i am not, i just nd to be silent for a bit. in tym i will definitely be myself that u know. i will triumph. i will try n be a better everything but i can only do my best. n sometyms my best isnt enuff. i know but i will try harder.

love me for who i am. hate me for who i am. i will try not to care but keep ur hatred towards yourselves. think before u talk. before u act. the way people think isnt always the same as what u think. so be careful. jaga hati urg n ppl will try to jaga yours. dont judge. let Allah judge. only He The Almighty can judge.

i will leave dis post with a heavy yet lighter than before heart. i have said all i can say n i wish i can just erase all the shortcomings of my life but i know i cant coz all of dat is what made me who i am.

to my friends, dont scatter. be together. we only have each other here. i will join you in our everyday conversations but i might be reserved at tyms. dont worry i am fine. i cant tell u everything but i will tell u wut i can. dont judge n u have my gratitude. dont worry, dont be scared, dont be indifferent. i am still Zeemah, Gymz, Gmah. i am all those but there is more. everybody have secrets. i have loads. will not tell all but keep most. so dont be scared to approach me if u wanna talk or a hug... i will definitely give it. ask for a hug, i will hug you. all u hafta do is ask, n i will try n deliver.

my friends, i do love you. all of u have places in my heart. some are closer to my heart than others but u are all in my heart nonetheless. i am sorry if i ever hurt u or offended u. i am sincerely n deeply sorry. all my acts of affection towards u guys are all genuine. if ever i said i love u n i dont mind, i mean it. i do. so adios my friends. till next tym i write in my deep blog ani. last words, dont judge n be a gd friend. its worth it. if your family is far, your friends are your family. so treat them as u would your family member. i will do the same.

the pieces dont fit anymore, so why bother trying?!!! dont be sad for me, i do that enough for me. nobody has to suffer anymore than they hafta. nothing u confess can make me love u less. i am all ears~~ if u r mad, get mad. dont hold it all inside. tell me n i will try to change. i will try harder.

OUR FUN TRIP TO LONDON!!!

2042HRS TUESDAY 25th November 2008;

last friday, me simah, nyssa, yanee n greyz n kim went to london to vent and such.. a mini-vaykay if u will. it was seriously fun!! if ever a destination that is perfect to go n have fun n just visit its London, esp dis tym of yr... deres supposedly ada parade d hyde park but we didnt go coz we ended up in trafalgar square instead. it was seriously fun. but freakin cold. otw back simah n kim hafta rub my hands to warm it coz my hands were frozen. but all in all it was fun.

so we were actually celebrating greyz' bday on the 21st atu. we bought her a cake n simah cooked mie n i made salad lettuce with thousand island. as w were about to go to London, it was a fun occassion. we ate, laughed in merriment. hehe.. apakan.. ntah eh... anyhoo, we planned to go at three but udah everything abis,we went at 4 labih kn kul 5. went on the train but it was really full. we had to share our space with other people. but it was fun though except for the fact that aku kna tagur nt to naikkan kakiku atas kerusi oleh dis old lady. kmi bnyk begambar lah but we'll come to that later. so we were ataying at Bru Hall for the three daays we're there. klurusan jua ada urg kn exam n nda cukup bilik. on average we had to share a room of two beds between 6 of us. baik jua ada lg satu bilik atu. so we ended up splitting between us two rooms. simah, me n nyssa got one and greyz, yanee n kim shared another with another girl. but on the last night we were in bru hall, all of us tidur d same rm. minus kim cos she wa sleeping arah marriott hotel d london with her uncle, dr. hj. hamzah. he was fun to talk to lah dat nyte. he's a cool guy!!

so the rooms that we had to share was crap. it was bejurit, it was behabuk n it smelled like a hospital. i went to raihan's rm n it was beatiful. lawa. warna maroon n ada flower design d dinding. n her rm smelled nice. oh well... so anyhoo, me n simah shared the bottom part of the bunk-bed. but i need to press the fact that kmi punya duvets are separate okeh.. so no kinky stuff...nyssa tidur atas. so we were kinda sampit. hehe... stuff happened in those night that i dont wanna divulge here.. hehe... wink wink simah!! haha... so anyhoo, we were supposed to tidur awal n bangun awal so kmi dpt compactkn more activities 2mrwnya. but as usual, cerita punya cerita, akhir udah. missed subuh n several other sembahyangs while we were dere. hehe..

kmi bnr2 mkn d sna lah.. like kmi dulur kmi punya parut. me n simah shared everything sal kmi mau rasa semua. we ate steak n cheese foot-longs every single day d london. we ate briani. we ate krispy-kreme. we ate mknan d bru hall. wc btw is nyaman. ayam grill. hehe.. ilang diet d sna eh. but it was seriously fun d sna ah. i wanna go dere some other tym. m going plang ni sma kapjah. kn mkn sushi n i hope to find a coat as well salnya sajuk dh. hehe.... but really...siok..

first nyte, kmi k bayswater. mkn subway. n........wait for it... aku nda betudung... hehe.. n the one tym aku nda betudung sma kwn2, ada tia c chip. punya tebangang nya ia atu. cali jua tu. n ia nda tagur. but apparently ia k sna kn jumpa his daddy. hehe... but anyhoo, moving on...dat embarassing thing aside, i had fun dat nyte salnya hajatku sampai. i ate subway punya barang. nyaman bnr eh. i like it. jauh kmi jalan k subway ah. bayswater.from norfolk square to bayswater is seriously jauh like twenty mins kmi jalan. padahal ada lg ampir. d edgware road. ish ish ish. hehe... but it was an experience jua lah..

talking about edgware road, otw kmi k sna kn aga primark, ada tia urg minta sedakah. membawa dis package like a baby carrier on her tummy but it was covered. ia bubut aku n simah. it was frightening. tym atu aku betudung plg. it was scary salnya ia ckp i nd to buy fd. pls muhammad rasulillah. ntah eh. barat rasa atiku kn tinggalkn tp nya simah i cant feel dat way cos i will definitely kna bubut. so i felt really down asalnya aku hafta tinggalkn dat woman. kesian plg. what if ia bnr nada mknan. tp she should be looking for work rather than ask for assistance catu kn.. tangan yg memberi lg baik dr meminta. we are encouraged to work drpd kn minta sdekah. nda ja? jaaa~~~~ erm.. wallahua'lam..tawakkaltu lillah...its a flaw in the day lah tp other den that i had fun. sat nyte kmi k trafalgar square. i climbed n the statue n posed arah cam. it was seriously fun. hehe... i climbed on a place that is taller than i am. even with ppl helping me up, i wouldnt be able to climb that statue at all.but i did with minimal help. i did it. i did something that i wasnt able to do b4. i am on my way to being kurus.. hehe.. i will triumph!! dats my mantra nowadays... i will definitely triumph... i think n derefore i will!! hehe...

so on sunday when we hafta head back, i was feeling kinda down n simah realise coz saye termenung saje tym solat... but thanx for the hug simah ah... u owez know how to make me feel better at tyms... love you leng...

so on the way back, we went on the train. didnt sleep as usual salnya arah train nda siuk..urg belakang kmi urg arab. bejubah n hijab. bri ijap. tym kmi begambar ia liat kmi bnr2.. scaaaaaryyyyyyyy........

hehe.. m gonna let the pics talk salnya i wanna sleep... the house is quiet... shhh.. ppl are sleeping... nyte people!!

nyte!!!!! see you next tym!!! assalamualaikum!!!!!!!!!!!!!

its just me talking~~

15th November 0241 hrs saturday;

here i am, just finished watching mamma mia for the second tym round. its fun to watch it again. memories came flooding back. memories of old. of me in high school n the living situation that i am having now. similar thing happening to me. i miss her. badly. like really bad. its just dat i am a person who is passionate about things. if i like a person, i would definitely be hanging on to that person for a long tym. n the fact dat if dat person is currently here makes me like so nervous n questioning my every move... m i saying these things ryte? m i doing this ryte? m i hurting their feelings? i over-analyse sometyms....

so enuff drabs... here's wut happened so far...

today, nora n deena k london. they'll be goin till sun.. same plan as the rest of us are gonna do next week... before ani yea... ada gelora d rmh.. hmmm. urg rmh sja yg paham tu.. but all is clear now, all is understood. insyaAllah... btw, deena, ur email was seriously making me sad n i mean every word dat i msged...it clarifies things n i appreciate it.. luv u leng... juz tell simah n me if anything else is bothering u okeh? okeh.. dats dat.. everything will be fyne... we ol need to be understood, n i understand it now~~ no hard feelings i hope...wanted to cry tym cium ur pipi td but i tahan-ed it... really care for u as if my sis... btw, simah n me atu alum mandi td but we clean okeh... haha... ancur eh.. hehe...

so lapas drg jaln, simah went to my room n offered me choc. maltesers... erm.. sorry but aku alum brus gigi lg.. hehe... so i didnt eat it at all... simah udah brus gigi so ia mkn lh.. hehe... apakan.. nada kna mengena bnr eh c gymz ani...

so anyways, eyah came today! so theres two mazs here... funny.. n the kent men came round d house td n were confused. haha.. who wouldnt be? aku pun confused... tp erm... gatal jua lh eh drg atu... the men i mean... maklumlah twins... guys are so typical~~ erm.. not all guys lah.. gay ones excluded...

so simah's n my east asian assignments siap dh like kemarin.. we want to antar it bh.. but crita2, aher tia ntar... konon kn awal ntar tym pg but u know how me n simah are... asyik kn hangout sja.. nah... lunch tia plg.. hehe...

so we mandied, n ate... simah mkn kuay chap n me mie goreng... yum... n simah tepakai bnr kn kuay chap ah... padas... so of course ia suka... so after kmi ntar assignment, kmi k asda... n we had fun!!! we all bought bju tidur n stuff!! lawa kali ah.. but seriously sexy... i cant even wear mine infront of the girls padahal kmi atu mcm2 dh nampak tu ah... but last last kuar jua lh bju ah... n my girls pun nampak.. hehe.. if u know wut i mean.. haha.. meher eh...hehe.. tani tani sja tau tu... hehe.... esp otw k jamban... haha....or after k jamban...hehe... simah, u n me sja tau wt happened dat nyte ah.. hehe... or day? hmmm. i cant remember... waaa~~~ maluuuu~~~~~

so anyways.. imagine dis... kmi k asda dlm kul 2 lalu n kuar asda dlm kul 6lalu.... haha.. n we missed d bus... so ahir... n kmi shopping lh brabis-ish... maybe 2mrw lagi.. liat lah...i nd my cinnamon whirls... yummy~~ so we bought house stuff but we 4got pepper, which is a crucial ingredient for us.. haha.. gila pepper wah kmi ah..

so we cooked nasi ayam last nyte... n it was a success.. it was yanee's mum's recipe... tabik puan!! abis wah nasi semangkuk periuk ku ah.. d biggest rice cooker we have on board.. haha.. laku lh... thanx yanee's mum!! nyaman brabis.. nanti i post gambarnya ah... pyh wah nada camera ani...

so after dat, andang we plan kn liat wayang arh nyssa's rm. n we did.. us gals in our pijamas n stuff... hehe.. fun!! cam slumber partay!! watched mamma mia, ate like krupuk n dip, watched n laughed, mkn krupuk n dip, laughed again, gambar2, mkn krupuk n dip.. u get the drift... it was fun lah.. really2 fun.. n apparently arh rmh eyah its quiet.. n rmh kmi bising so eyah had a sore throat sal bnyk ketawa.. apparently its her 1st tym ketawa bnyk2 d england... hehe.. funny~~~

so there it is... i laid it on the table.. my feelings, d day we had n such.. wanna do dis again sumtym... i wanna be dis happy foreva, but ol good things must come to an end... eyah trus tdur n we dispersed... it is late after all... i mean, its like 3 lalu wah... simah sleep dh... nyaman th kali tdurnya udah nie... happy sleeping darl... itah ganya msa tani sleep.. after dis, assignments!! ahaha...

so as i said earlier, i was missing a friend... i really2 miss her... i need her badly... i wanna hug her coz there's so much i wanna get off my chest... i tell her stuff n she'll be honest with me... n i with her... i miss her... she's d only one who understnnds me n i wanna understand her but sumtyms even if she's near, she's still far... u know wut i mean? like if i'm talking to her n stuff.. we sumtyms go on msn n chat... she is there, her voice is there but she doesnt really open up. i dont really open up to her though jua.. but oh well.. i hope we will be forever friends!! coz i appreciate her very very much... so dear, if u r in fact reading this, i hope u know who u are, know dat u are owez in my heart, embedded in my soul, thrust deeply into the being that is me... we will triumph~~

so i guess for ppl who dunno me, i might sound like a lesbo but i am straight!! straighter than a ruler n stuff... simah tau tu kan leng? hehe... apakan?!! yea, my pt is i am straight, but it is just dat i am a very passionate person. once i love someone, dat someone may never be a bad person in my book. i dont mind doing things for that person, going to the end of the world for dat person. i love my life, i love my family, i love my friends n i love myself. i love myself so much because of the ppl dat makes me who i am. a not so perfect person but a good person. i like to think dat i am a gd person. ppl generally like to think dat they are gd ppl. dontcha?! u hafta give credit for urself... if u love sumone, love urself enuff to luv dat sumone n u wont fall... insya Allah...

so, last words... I LOVE YOU N MISS U MY FRIEND!!! i wish u r here... by my side coz i nd a hug... as simah oready knows, i like to give hugs n i am owez ready to receive hugs... anytym!! bring it on!! try it... you'd be surprised how a hug can affect you... so my friends n ESPECIALLY YOU, MY DEAREST FRIEND, hug me... coz i will return it with the sincerest love and reckless abandonment delved deep from my heart... so hug me!! i will owez nd a hug... hehe..cam desperate wah aku ah.. but really.. hugs make u feel all warm n fuzzy inside... i like the feeling... so i wanna be d one to give sumone dat feeling... best move ever!!! bear hugz for all of u~~ esp my very special friend...

love extended to my family, my special friend n my dear friends n housemates... i love you, from the bottom of my heart... the nicest bottom part of my heart... love you guys~~~

gymz rox!!! is signing out n wanting to sleep... yawn~~~

life in general~~

monday 10th nov 2008 1100hrs;

i am sitting here infront of my lappy, eating my cornflakes, my windows open to let the cool air in. i suddenly had an epiffany. a sudden idea. i write about things that are happening to me n all the happy and bad things n such. without realising it, i suddenly feel that i am laying my soul out there. so whilst my soul is out there for the world to see, i will put forth my thoughts as alwez... no one is going to stop me.

i love my life. i love my family. i love my friends. n i love myself. i would not wanna change anything about my life as yet. without everything in place as it is, i know i would not turn out to be the way i am. n so i thank Allah for making my life what it was n still is. i am grateful. i have a good (not perfect) family, great friends n a sound mind. what more can i ask for. i am loving it.

what is life without any bumps? what is life without the ones you love. i raise my prayers for those whose lives merged with mine. i thank you.

i am not an outwardly emotional person. a bit dramatic but that's all there is.. i love drama in my life. but i am an introvert. if i am sad, i keep it to myself. if i am happy, i will spread it around, becoz it is contagious. i laugh, i cry, i pee, i poo (eheheh...oops..) all in all, i am a normal person. there is not a mystery in me. i like people to think i do. but i dont. at least not much.

i try to show people i love them but i feel afraid that people will recoil if i showed my emotions. i am not the most sensible n lovey-dovey person but like other people, i love to be loved. people need to be loved, n that they need to know that people love them. so, my friends n my family, i love you, even if i dont show it, i do.. im just shy...

i think i feel inadequate in some sense. i feel that i am not perfect, that i am lacking in some aspects of my life. but at the same tym, i have faith in God that He created us all imperfect. no one is ever perfect. so i feel content just being who ia m, how i got here n of my stance in life. i am a reasonable person, a bit overweight (a bit? hah!!) but a reasonable person. apakan??

anyhoo, i wish everyone who reads this to just be happy, love your children as you would your own, love yourself coz this is the only life that u have a say in, love yourself coz u r who u are, love yourself coz u r beautiful, love yurself coz people love u. Just Love Yourselves!!

adios muchacho n muchacha... me love u long tym...

i feel so down~~

monday 10th Nov 2008 0023hrs;

somehow today i feel very down, as my title suggests... i dunno why, my heart feels soo very blurgh, ya know... n when i feel like dis i feel dat i'm letting people down coz i am not my cheery self. but i cant help it, if i feel like dis, it feels as if my world is bleak.

i think i might know why. today, kawai msged me, "jd ko beskype ani?" n it was at 636 in the morning in UK. but i saw it at 749am. i just woke up. i felt so bad dat i kol kawai n enoi answered and said she was on her way to tahfiz. bummer!! man!! i cant believe i didnt hear d msg tone. i wished i had, if i had i would've seen zaki, bapa n enoi. n d house. for me, even if i am not wealthy, i dont have the perfect family, i dont have the most beautiful house n i am not the brightest n most beautiful if at all, i dont care. family for me is important. n also friends. i love my family and friends. they are the ones that are always in my heart. even if one triumphs over another, i love them all d same. i do...

obviously, there is something wrong with me.today, with dina providing the cap helang egg noodles, n simah cooking the noodles, i feel as if i am with family. we went down n the housemates and i "beibun" like deres no 2mrw. it was fun!! i do not wish for any other housemates than them. i feel grateful. dere may be bumps along the way but we complement each other. i am so gonna miss them when i come back home. i will cry if i dont see them for a long tym.

so anyhoo, i went lepak-ing at dina's n usually after a few mins with them, i will feel better but i didnt feel uplifted. is dere sumthin wrong with me? i hope not, coz i like me. i like the way i am. i dont wanna change. not at all!! but dont worry my dear friends, i will triumph. definitely... i am who i am n i will be cheerful again. i will still give you hugs if u need one. i will cheer u up if need be. but earlier today i cant. at next door's place, i try to cheer myself up n my friends also did but i felt the same. i hope today will be better.

my heart yearns to be noticed but my mind is adamant. do not budge it said. do not even think about it. be logical. just let go. make the most of your life here. dont go home yet. be reasonable. people want to come here. be tough, my mind said. my heart whimpers but it knows in this case it had lost. i will triumph. i may not like it but its for my own good. in good time, i will be myself.

so here's to the future. may it be bright, may all my good intention be realised in good taste, may my heart be content, may my friends n i have a good tym, may we all triumph over all our obstacles. AMIN!!!

here is what i wrote before today;

heart breaks are never-ending,

obstacles are never-ending,

through the mist of all,

my heart cries for us to be together,

striving to be noticed, my heart knocks on the door of my mind,

my mind ignoring, conquering my heart,

owh~~ my heart,

stay together,

do not break,

for i cant stand another heart break.

adios sadness.

hola happiness.

i love you, family and friends.

my heart is always yours, i will in turn hold yours dear,

cradling them for it is precious,

never taken for granted,

i am extending my arms of frienship and love to you,

my family and friends.

...I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART...

p/s: friends, dont be sad, i am still Zeemah, the one and only. i will triumph. do not worry, i will be myself. just bear with me. hugging all of you with my heart~~ see you.

me n my culinary adventures....

30th October2008' Thursday;

my sister, dina n syashen n me went to manchester for the day.. it was more of city atmosphere than birmngham. people were everywhere n it wasnt a child-friendly type of city.. i was kinda disappointed..

not child friendly aside, manch is a city that would be fun to shop in though... ada bnyk tmpt glamourous... DKNY n all that jazz... syok eh klw sma kwn2 n ada bnyk usin.. n primark nya membari wateer basar.. 3 floors... syok shopping... bnyk uleh lh...

so anyhoo, i went to nando's!!!! i know!!!! d manchester.. nyaman eh... the chix was grilled to perfection.. my flavour was lemon n herb. n den the sauces was OMG nyaman... i love the garlic peri-peri sauce.. nyaman.. masam n hot a lil bit.. campur sma salad dressing nya.. hmmm........

i love nando's n the ambience so i take photos of those stuff.. but coz me n rest were lapar brabis, we trus eat n i forgot to gambar the food.. maybe next tym.

den at birm, i ate krispy kreme... nyaman... yg glazed yg nyaman...

yea.. dont wanna talk much... dis is me signing ouT, blessed be my friends.

ITS FREAKIN SNOWING!!!!!!

28th October 2008, wednesday, Birmingham;

here i was, making muffins with my two nieces when my bro-in-law's niece asked a question in a (very) loud voice: "ahhh... apa tu?!!!!!" n my sis was like, "huh?!" then......."(ina very loud shouting voice) OMG!! OMG!!! THAT'S SNOW!! KAKA, ADIK, IT'S SNOWING!!! WOOHOOO....!!!!!!!" sorry for the many exclamation marks ppl.. it's just that she was excited... i was too btw, maklumlah it was my first time... n we were like zoom!! zoom!! we put on jeans n tops on top of our baju rumah.. the camera was grabbed, shoes were put on without socks, we were not really dressed for snow!! that was for sure.. tudung pun nda tepakai lg.. hehe..alasan aku ah...

downstairs, at the apartment's garden, we rushed to the back door n it was freezing!! really really bad... i was already contemplating whether or not to go out without any layers of clothes underneath... but, screw it!! it was freakin snowing!!! so we went downstairs out the back door n i was torpedo-ing thru to go out n play, but yea.. nieces come first... so i was torpedo-ing with the kids. but syasya n shireen were hesitant to go out. it was really cold... but last last we went out n we had a very iski tym ever!!! my sis mcm nda pernah experience snow ani wah... she was jumping around n stuff. hehe.... it was fun.. i will let the pics say it all...

we had a very fun 8 mins outside.. seriously though... COLD!!!!

i am finally letting go~~

today, 25th october 2008, 2235 hrs...

it was hard earlier for me today. i was stressed out coz i kinda have to go to HSBC to withdraw money over the counter coz i had to buy a ticket to go to Birmingham n see the kids. but on saturdays the counter closes... that sucks!! so m stuck now without any tickets n i have to go to train station tomorrow with money transferred from kapj to simah's debit card. *thanks Simah!! luv u lenk...* so let us see how things are tomorrow.

anyhoo, at that tym i was really stressed out coz you know, i am kinda emotional. i will be seeing No Longer My Man! later and i had no idea on what to do. so i was walking to Wilkinson's n i was pissed off coz it was kinda late n i hate the feeling that i was not in my house n cooking all the stuff. simah n dina was there doing it, so i feel really guilty as if i am irresponsible. then when it was time to come home it was already two pm. n i was seriously in a bad mood that i really wanted to cry.. i really needed someone to hug me at the tym n say that everything is okay. but i put my thoughts elsewhere n focused on the task at hand. the Raya Open House at our house!! i cant wait but at the same tym butterflies coz he's there!! erk~

the Raya celebration...3 pm onwards...

so the girls have finished cooking the potato fritters (begedil in Brunei) n i managed to goreng prawn crackers. i was tired n the Masters student were already there.. then when i was heading upstairs to change into Baju Kurong, he came! i was happy but of course i didnt show it.. i went upstairs smiling coz he's here!! hehe.. i had fun getting ready coz it really felt like it was Raya. like it was in Brunei. i felt happy and i rushed to go down. it was fun!! i mingled, flirted n ate. oh how i ate!! nyum nyum~~ owh n the begedils was gone!!! people really liked it!! it was really a lot.. abis udah ah... banggaku ckit eh.. hehe.. hehe ckit salnya its a group effort...haha..

so it was awesome n i talked to NLMM like i was used to it n stuff. it was fun! people talked n i get to know people a little better. at least homesickness is reduced to a minimum. i felt like crying earlier that morning!! but everything is oryte now. alhamdulillah.. but i missed zuhur, asar n maghrib... i know i know.. i was really lalai. i had fun today but i have butterflies everytime i see him n i caught him looking at me a few times. i dunno why but m not putting any hopes coz i know him n me willl never happen.. i would never dream of breaking his ties with my ex-classmate. not once in my life do i ever want anyone to be unhappy coz i got my way... its not what it's all about. m fine really.. i think...

the thing is that i realised he was kinda paired with another person i just met. n she looks as if she likes him as well. i was torn. i like dis girl too. she's fun n a nice girl. but oh well, i am not going to get my hopes up n hope dat him n me will have our moment or something like dat. i pray to Allah dat i will someday find my One. insyaAllah...

the realisation hit me hard today n i feel like crying my heart out now.. my heart is writhing to be noticed. but my mind refuses to acknowledge my heart. i ache to see him, to be with him in a special way but i know it is fruitless. i am Zeemah, i sometimes have to remember that. i must remind myself that ia am a person who can do anything n stuff. n i can stand on my own. so i definitely do not need him in my life. at least i think so. so now i am readying myself to accept the fact that he will be with someone else n dat someone is not necessarily me... so i have to practise my happy face... all i can manage for now is a sappy (sad+happy) smile n cheesy hand clapping.. ntah eh..

so... its kinda inevitable when i came to the decision that i made. i am officially letting go of him, my memories of him, my heart's yearning for him n all. i am going to ignore the way my heart is breaking each second, how my eyes water when the pain in my heart is too much, how my heart is fighting to be heard n having to force my heart to comply with the logic of my mind... i have to let him go n i have... owh my heart...

i am now a frail person inside. the mere mention of his name made my mind go wild because it too wants to go with my heart but i know deep inside it is not a healthy thing to do, so i am letting him go... my only hope is for my heart to mend but be a little hard so that i can finally accept him to be off-limits...and a friend, not more. this is not love, this is a deep crush-care... i care for him, so now for him i will let him go~~ i say good luck to me n i continue to pray...