stuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuupiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiddddddddddddddd~~~~~~~~~~~~~

12th July 2009, 1301hrs;

Stupid... just woke up dis morning n start thinking, i mean really thinking about the fact that i need to let you go totally.. n ASAP!!!! coz i stupidly let you take over my life, my decisions are totally based on,"what would you do if you were me??" stupid stupid..... banciku eyh... napa i let myself be this way, when i know that this feeling will lead me to negative things.... i have been hurt before.... why do i let myself be this way?? why????? m just digging a deeper hole... so you say you cant help who you fall in love with... stupid!!!!! i wish i could just turn off my heart n never feel a thing... ani everytym i see an update of you, i feel torn, as if every single thing that you do atu is my lifeline!!!! stupid me...

i keep hearing all this crap that if you love that someone, you will let them go.... but how the hell am i supposed to let you go when in fact i am struggling to even breathe out your name without being shaky?? how??? urrrrgggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am in a dilemma! damn it!

but i know eventually i will be able to let you go coz i know i love you too much to hurt you... i will not spoil the relationship that we have just so i can let everything off my chest... i know you are wondering what i feel, what i think, what i do.. but i will just say i am fine and smile everytym you ask me... its better that way.. if i indulge you in saying really how i am feeling, i will guarantee you would run away n it will destroy the little bit of affection that you have towards me .. you will be mortified! you will just run away n wonder who was that girl that just said all those things to me... i know you said before that you accept me the way i am, and that you will not judge.. but i know that i hhavent really truly let you see the whole of me... you have no idea who i am inside... you have no clue whatsoever!!!! n i feel so guilty that i feel this way about you and i let myself go on n feel this way.... i feel guilty to myself.. i am torturing myself... why do i let you affect me so? why?

so from now on, dont ask how i am, coz i am mad at you!!!! i am mad at you because you are a charming, charismatic person who is funny and who gets me, who smiles my worries away, who makes me flutter... who makes me feel like i am the most beautiful person around... i have fallen for you... i have fallen for you deep... i acnt just let you go!!! i just cant... why cant i??? because i am freaking in love with you.... i not only love you, but i am in love with you!!! sad huh??

my mission from now on is just to suppress these feelings that i have and that i will put up a brave front and just lie through my teeth and say i am fine... i will start lying now.. I AM FINE... THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME... I AM MY NORMAL SELF!!! and so the lie continues... i love you too much to really truly let you go... but in the physical world, i will support your relationship and be positive even if you dont feel confident about your own relationship... i will try n build your own confidence so that your relationship will be better... it will hurt me and i will probably lose sleep n cry at nyte, but to know that your significant other makes you happy, it is enough for me to try to make you feel better about your relationship so that your person could make you happy and then make you smile... coz i know at the end of the day, you are happy with this other person and no t me... so i will support you.... i will support your relationship... i will make you see the light about this other person even if you think that this other person is wrong... i love you this much to sacrifice this.... i am pathetic and this is the honest truth...

i will try to let you go just so you wouldnt have anything to worry about, that you wont have anything to think about... that you wont have anything else to understand except about you and your loved ones... i wil avoid you... you will have your suspicions... but i am fine... as long as you are happy, i will be too.... even if my heart is torn and shredded to pieces... even if my happiness is gone just because you are happy with somebody else... as long as you are happy, then i will be at peace.. at least you are happy. coz i know if you are unhappy, i will try my damnest to try to make you feel better.... you know dis...

so to sum up, i am a pathetic loser whose love wont ever be recognised, whose heart has been torn n could never be fixed wholly, whose loved one is gone to be happy with somebdy else, whose thoughts are always revolving around the fact that i am NOT worthy of anybody's love... I AM FINE....