hate dis feelings...

24th june 2009 2014hrs;


i am in manch now, just got bek from old trafford.. really2 missing home today like brabisly... really hating the fact that the whole world didnt turn out o be what i thought it was.. really hate dis...


it's funny how you feel the whole world is against you when actually just one person could make you feel that way. i hate dis.. i thought i am over you.. i am over this... but everytym i think about you, my heart skips a beat... i feel so alone even when i am with a lot people.. why is dat? coz you're not with me...


i really wish dat i could never again see you n dat i am home, where everything is normal and innocent... i hate dese feeligs.. i hate you n i hate what you've become... i am relly disapointed in you... clearly i am just a person you go to when you're lonely... so i might not see you when you want me to...


i hate you... i just have to believe it...

Zeemah...

18th june 2009 1447hrs;

Today's a good day, well, better than yesterday was... yesterday was hell for me... like really!!! cried every second of the day, evry step i take, i cried... so i went out for a walk in the middle of the nyte, lay on the grass in the football field... and i looked at stars... used to be scared of being alone out at nyte, but i dunno, since i was feeling suffocated in my room, i went out that nyte n i felt better... n i continue to feel better till now... yaay...!!

so i hope i will continue to feel better coz i know it's going to be a hard tym for me, leaving the house, leaving JEANS, us oing our separate ways... oh well, it has to happen.. who's to say that it's all gonna be bad... all my memories with them i will treasure in my heart forevermore...

finally got my slr!! named....... drumroll pls... Bianca... haha, i know.. i like dat name...!!

so adios ppl.. gotta clean up n pack my stuff.. lusa aku chow... simah chow esok.. waaaa... n den m gonna go n have fun with girls...

till next tym..

gymz is finally happy, for now... but i am optimistic...

EMO PACKING~~~

13th june 2009 1344hrs;

who knew packing could be such an emotionla thing... every single day that i pack, i cry. one box = a bucketload of tears... i am more than ready to go home, to go be me and stop missing home... but the mere packing of my stuff led me to stop and then to cry.. napa ia ah?? heranku eyh... i reeally didnt know iit would be this emotional... Simah lg blik awal... lg tia ku sedih... waaaaa....

but no worries, will triumph... it's better dat Simah could balik awal coz indaku sampai ati kn tinggalkn ia d cni while kami yg lain2 balik udh... plus i have Greyz, Nyssa, Eyah n Yani to come with me... so i wont get lonely... still~~~ n oso, Deena l awal blik.. jeles saya eyh...

house is sooo freaking quiet... i get lonely... i cry.. gosh i am depressing all you out there arent i?? nyeh.... ntah eyh... i will ride this out... i need my nieces... without family, i am alone....

one thing's for sure, i will miss d JEANS girls really2 bad nie... i know dat.. maybe dats why i cry jua... i dunno.. lately i dunno what i am doing, what i am feeling, what i think.... everyday is a struggle for me... i dont really sleep, i dont really talk that much jua... i just dont feel like it...

nyeh, malas eyh...

stuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuupiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiddddddddddddddd~~~~~~~~~~~~~

12th July 2009, 1301hrs;

Stupid... just woke up dis morning n start thinking, i mean really thinking about the fact that i need to let you go totally.. n ASAP!!!! coz i stupidly let you take over my life, my decisions are totally based on,"what would you do if you were me??" stupid stupid..... banciku eyh... napa i let myself be this way, when i know that this feeling will lead me to negative things.... i have been hurt before.... why do i let myself be this way?? why????? m just digging a deeper hole... so you say you cant help who you fall in love with... stupid!!!!! i wish i could just turn off my heart n never feel a thing... ani everytym i see an update of you, i feel torn, as if every single thing that you do atu is my lifeline!!!! stupid me...

i keep hearing all this crap that if you love that someone, you will let them go.... but how the hell am i supposed to let you go when in fact i am struggling to even breathe out your name without being shaky?? how??? urrrrgggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am in a dilemma! damn it!

but i know eventually i will be able to let you go coz i know i love you too much to hurt you... i will not spoil the relationship that we have just so i can let everything off my chest... i know you are wondering what i feel, what i think, what i do.. but i will just say i am fine and smile everytym you ask me... its better that way.. if i indulge you in saying really how i am feeling, i will guarantee you would run away n it will destroy the little bit of affection that you have towards me .. you will be mortified! you will just run away n wonder who was that girl that just said all those things to me... i know you said before that you accept me the way i am, and that you will not judge.. but i know that i hhavent really truly let you see the whole of me... you have no idea who i am inside... you have no clue whatsoever!!!! n i feel so guilty that i feel this way about you and i let myself go on n feel this way.... i feel guilty to myself.. i am torturing myself... why do i let you affect me so? why?

so from now on, dont ask how i am, coz i am mad at you!!!! i am mad at you because you are a charming, charismatic person who is funny and who gets me, who smiles my worries away, who makes me flutter... who makes me feel like i am the most beautiful person around... i have fallen for you... i have fallen for you deep... i acnt just let you go!!! i just cant... why cant i??? because i am freaking in love with you.... i not only love you, but i am in love with you!!! sad huh??

my mission from now on is just to suppress these feelings that i have and that i will put up a brave front and just lie through my teeth and say i am fine... i will start lying now.. I AM FINE... THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME... I AM MY NORMAL SELF!!! and so the lie continues... i love you too much to really truly let you go... but in the physical world, i will support your relationship and be positive even if you dont feel confident about your own relationship... i will try n build your own confidence so that your relationship will be better... it will hurt me and i will probably lose sleep n cry at nyte, but to know that your significant other makes you happy, it is enough for me to try to make you feel better about your relationship so that your person could make you happy and then make you smile... coz i know at the end of the day, you are happy with this other person and no t me... so i will support you.... i will support your relationship... i will make you see the light about this other person even if you think that this other person is wrong... i love you this much to sacrifice this.... i am pathetic and this is the honest truth...

i will try to let you go just so you wouldnt have anything to worry about, that you wont have anything to think about... that you wont have anything else to understand except about you and your loved ones... i wil avoid you... you will have your suspicions... but i am fine... as long as you are happy, i will be too.... even if my heart is torn and shredded to pieces... even if my happiness is gone just because you are happy with somebody else... as long as you are happy, then i will be at peace.. at least you are happy. coz i know if you are unhappy, i will try my damnest to try to make you feel better.... you know dis...

so to sum up, i am a pathetic loser whose love wont ever be recognised, whose heart has been torn n could never be fixed wholly, whose loved one is gone to be happy with somebdy else, whose thoughts are always revolving around the fact that i am NOT worthy of anybody's love... I AM FINE....

you, who i constantly miss....

11th June 2009 0138hrs;

cant sleep... cant think straight... cant do it any longer... constant crying over you... cant do this any more... cant help it tho... you're soooo worth it... i love you dis much n in dis way but u do not know dis... i've missed you, i miss you n i have been missing you eversince ever!!!

in awhile, u will feel happy while i will still be here, missing you, cursing the world n wondering why on earth this world is so biased... why this world is against this love... i know that love is pure when put in the ryte circumstances... i would like to think dat what i feel for you is pure... but the whole world is against this kind of love... the way we were brought up, the way our family think, the way we view the world made this love that i feel for you a bad thing... i wonder if ever i will feel this kind of love for anybody else... in this instant n in this moment when my heart aches for you, i think it is impossible that i will love anybody else as much as i love you ryte now....

again n again i pray for Allah to erase what i feel for u coz i know it is wrong... again n again i cry every nyte before i sleep asking for Allah's mercy n asking that something would happen that would make me hate you... i wait for that day when i fall outof love for you... i wait for the day, that miracle truly magical day when i will fall in love with someone who will definitely love me back n dat nothing is in our way... i would rather avoid you than see you happy with another person... my heart aches whenever you laugh, coz everytym u laugh, it makes me fall more in love with you n i cant stop it... i find myself dreaming of you, my angan2 before i sleep includes you... my happy place is always with you...

ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just know dat u will be in my heart as always, or until i find your replacement...

I WAIT FOR THE DAY WHEN YOU WILL MEET ME IN MY HAPPY PLACE N DAT IT IS A REALITY, OR IF I CANT HAVE IT WITH YOU, I PRAY TO ALLAH SWT THAT I MAY HAVE THAT EXPERIENCE WITH A MAN WHO LOVES ME MORE THAN I LOVE HIM, SO I WILL NOT HURT THIS MUCH.... I CANT TAKE THIS HEARTACHE ANY LONGER... ALLAH SWT HELP ME~~~

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MYSELF... I WILL DROP EVERYTHING EVERYTYM U SAY MY NAME... THIS YOU KNOW... I WONT SAY ANY MORE....

==THE END==