tuesday 20th january 2009 2313hrs;
it's the 2nd day of term n yet it feels as if it is nearing exam term... why u say?? it has been really quiet around the house lately, what with everybody feeling stressed out after the holidays knowing that this semester is nearing our exam term... nda batah lg wah... like seriously... so our rumah yg andangnya bising dr dulu isnt our bising home anymore... i kinda dont like it... okeh okeh... i'll be honest... i hate it.. i dont hate it hate it.. but i dont like it either... i want to be able to just pop in ppl punya bilik whenever n just sit n talk but since semua urg ttp pintu n blajar n diam, i feel kinda like kacau so i dont hangout anymore... i feel sad eyh... coz nowadays it brings me back to Earth when i know that this is the real world. i asked for me to be here n now i am, so i have to deal with it.. i may not like it that much but i will definitely have to put up with it.. however, i feel like i'm back in Tahfiz now... back in Tahfiz i was miserable. i wasnt a good student, wasnt a good teacher, wasnt a good haafizoh n generally wasnt a good person... everything was going wrong for me there.. i realise dat i am not one to be forced to do anything... if i dont like it, it usually was clearly seen on my face expression... now dat i am older, i learn to tapis my features n just generally be more aware of what everyone is thinking n then maybe choose to let my feelings show or not.. whichever is good at that tym...
in Tahfiz i found that i dont really know myself well.. i know dat i was a person who was confused... a person who was torn... a person who was feeling abandoned not knowing how to deal with it... it was a hard tym but somehow i have become a better person in STPRI... in STPRI i became me... i realized who i was as a person... who i am to other ppl... how i affect ppl... how i am kinda a part of somone's life... i realise then what the meaning of a real friend... so kudos for my girlfriends: Kamilah, Jamiiad, Faats n Jihah!!! i really love u guys!!! we have always been honest with each other n we dont judge each other n we genuinely are ikhlas with each other... until now even when tani jauh w each other... you guys are the first girlfriends i have ever had n i thank u for it.. i know u guys have contributed greatly with me being who i am now... i miss u guys terribly... n i wish for everyone else that they will have friends like u guys... my sistahs from a different mother!!! n father too!!! hehe lame....
so i have evolved... i know who i am now... ppl might not know who i am inside really n i hope ppl just see the best things in me because i genuinely feel that i have 2 better myself so i cn really be honest n ikhlas with ppl... my new year's resolution is to just be a better everything n i hope i can control my temper n my mood coz i dont like staying mad at someone n then have to pretend that i still am okay with that person... i just dunno how to deal with it... i hate being a two-faced person... i just want to be able to just be a person who is always able to be honest n speak my mind without caring what other ppl think but i generally am a person who is just a deep thinker n sometyms if a thing that made me feel so angry or upset will sit with me for a long tym, i feel that it is just wasting my energy n tym... i just cant be bothered... i have better things to do...
i am currently trying to ignore the feelings i have inside that has me torn... i am able to let it go a lil bit... but now with the house being quiet n all, it kinda creeps in a bit.. i dont like it.. i really wanna let go.. it just kills me dat i know i can do it but it takes tym... i will triumph... that will be my mantra...
guess what i have been tinking lately?? that i know i am nearing the end of my sadness n i dunno if it is too soon to celebrate or just that celebrating is wrong... i dunno... i feel that my sadness is ending but at the same tym, i know i am not completely over it... okeh, i just answered my own qn... i realized just now dat i am not completely over it... but i am better... i do not cry every day now... i dont remember "the thing" too often anymore... i am able to not be jealous, although at tyms i find myself wanting to be with you but i know i cant let myself... n so i am continuing my cold turkey system of avoiding u n just be me... i need to study... i know i hurt whenever i see or knw u are with sumbody else n dat other ppl feel like they want u for themselves because they knew u first... it hurts... i might be ok with it on the surface but i am crying inside... things will never be the same again...
what i know is dat: i now have really the bestest friends anyone can ever hope for... my girlfriends [Milah, Jambooze, Hateem n Chombi]; my girls {Simah, Yanie, Grace, Nyssa, Deena}; my sisters (Ka PJ Booteyhlicious, Kawaii Rockstar, Enoi Sung Min)... i love u guys coz i know i can turn to u with my probs n provide me somehow or the other with advise or a simple nod of understanding... without u guys i will not be the same person i am now... so i thank u...
i cried for the past few days now, coz i have been stressed out coz i feel like i am adjusting myself back to being in Kent coz before this i was with family... i get homesick easily now n i try to not show it to other ppl but i know that it shows sumtyms... but i deny it coz i know ppl have probs too so i can deal with dis on my own... i know my limits so i will say if i cant tahan it... on monday, when i got bek from klas, i locked my door to my room n just sit on the floor, breathless... i had a panic attack... my body was cold all over, i was sweating, i was shaking... i frightened myself... i thought i was gonna have a seizure or sumthing... but i talked myself into not worrying anybody n just relax.. after a few mins, i was okay again... but again i found myself crying... my neck was literally basah from the tears that i didnt know i had shed... i dunno wut happened then... i was just sitting there not thinking but at the same tym thinking about everything... but i guess i was shocked to be back in Kent... cam the very first tym aku smpai cni... i wanna go home... even when simah katuk pintuku i wasnt able to buka coz i know i cant open the door yet... i was a mess... i cant open the door n look like hell... so sorry leng... aku nda buka...
my new yr's resolutions are vast... mostly be a better person... a better student n all that jazz... but in my heart of hearts, i prayed to Allah profusely to jauhkan that feelings for somebody coz i know it is just a no-no... a big no-no at that... so far Allah answered my prayers coz it is bekurang... i dont feel as jealous as i was... i dont feel the need to be as obvious as i was coz "the thing" is my territory... but occasionally i feel pangs of it but Allah saja tau cana seksanya i feel whenever i feel jealous n stuff... little things man!!! ntah lah... breathe in n out... i will trumph...
adios ppl, jaga hati orang ah, jan ckp bnyk so u dont offend ppl, so i grab this opportunity to say sorry to all who read this blog n the older posts.... if i hurt u in some way i'm sorry... i dont mean it at all... maybe i meant it then but i dont now... before u say anything, think first... if someone hurt u, tell them, let them know.. remember to sembahyang... solat, zikir... last2 Allah tmpat kmu cari n pergi n kembali... so try to be a good Muslim n sempurnakan smbhyg 5 waktu atu... i will definitely try my best to follow my own advice...
assalmaualaikum.... may Allah bless u, forgive all your sins, your family be wealthy, your family having the best health states of all, umur panjang n penuh dgn iman... if ada conflict, solat... if hati tak tenang, solat... if ada rasa yg tak patut ada, solat... insyaAllah Allah ndakn abandon u like anybody that had... be patient n Allah will forsake you... i learn to berserah... n it is fruitful... so surrender all ur being n soul n heart only to Allah... may Allah bless u through n through n a happy life... iilla antoom asrarulkabeer.... AMIN~~~ berdoalah!!!
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