me n my culinary adventures....

30th October2008' Thursday;

my sister, dina n syashen n me went to manchester for the day.. it was more of city atmosphere than birmngham. people were everywhere n it wasnt a child-friendly type of city.. i was kinda disappointed..

not child friendly aside, manch is a city that would be fun to shop in though... ada bnyk tmpt glamourous... DKNY n all that jazz... syok eh klw sma kwn2 n ada bnyk usin.. n primark nya membari wateer basar.. 3 floors... syok shopping... bnyk uleh lh...

so anyhoo, i went to nando's!!!! i know!!!! d manchester.. nyaman eh... the chix was grilled to perfection.. my flavour was lemon n herb. n den the sauces was OMG nyaman... i love the garlic peri-peri sauce.. nyaman.. masam n hot a lil bit.. campur sma salad dressing nya.. hmmm........

i love nando's n the ambience so i take photos of those stuff.. but coz me n rest were lapar brabis, we trus eat n i forgot to gambar the food.. maybe next tym.

den at birm, i ate krispy kreme... nyaman... yg glazed yg nyaman...

yea.. dont wanna talk much... dis is me signing ouT, blessed be my friends.

ITS FREAKIN SNOWING!!!!!!

28th October 2008, wednesday, Birmingham;

here i was, making muffins with my two nieces when my bro-in-law's niece asked a question in a (very) loud voice: "ahhh... apa tu?!!!!!" n my sis was like, "huh?!" then......."(ina very loud shouting voice) OMG!! OMG!!! THAT'S SNOW!! KAKA, ADIK, IT'S SNOWING!!! WOOHOOO....!!!!!!!" sorry for the many exclamation marks ppl.. it's just that she was excited... i was too btw, maklumlah it was my first time... n we were like zoom!! zoom!! we put on jeans n tops on top of our baju rumah.. the camera was grabbed, shoes were put on without socks, we were not really dressed for snow!! that was for sure.. tudung pun nda tepakai lg.. hehe..alasan aku ah...

downstairs, at the apartment's garden, we rushed to the back door n it was freezing!! really really bad... i was already contemplating whether or not to go out without any layers of clothes underneath... but, screw it!! it was freakin snowing!!! so we went downstairs out the back door n i was torpedo-ing thru to go out n play, but yea.. nieces come first... so i was torpedo-ing with the kids. but syasya n shireen were hesitant to go out. it was really cold... but last last we went out n we had a very iski tym ever!!! my sis mcm nda pernah experience snow ani wah... she was jumping around n stuff. hehe.... it was fun.. i will let the pics say it all...

we had a very fun 8 mins outside.. seriously though... COLD!!!!

i am finally letting go~~

today, 25th october 2008, 2235 hrs...

it was hard earlier for me today. i was stressed out coz i kinda have to go to HSBC to withdraw money over the counter coz i had to buy a ticket to go to Birmingham n see the kids. but on saturdays the counter closes... that sucks!! so m stuck now without any tickets n i have to go to train station tomorrow with money transferred from kapj to simah's debit card. *thanks Simah!! luv u lenk...* so let us see how things are tomorrow.

anyhoo, at that tym i was really stressed out coz you know, i am kinda emotional. i will be seeing No Longer My Man! later and i had no idea on what to do. so i was walking to Wilkinson's n i was pissed off coz it was kinda late n i hate the feeling that i was not in my house n cooking all the stuff. simah n dina was there doing it, so i feel really guilty as if i am irresponsible. then when it was time to come home it was already two pm. n i was seriously in a bad mood that i really wanted to cry.. i really needed someone to hug me at the tym n say that everything is okay. but i put my thoughts elsewhere n focused on the task at hand. the Raya Open House at our house!! i cant wait but at the same tym butterflies coz he's there!! erk~

the Raya celebration...3 pm onwards...

so the girls have finished cooking the potato fritters (begedil in Brunei) n i managed to goreng prawn crackers. i was tired n the Masters student were already there.. then when i was heading upstairs to change into Baju Kurong, he came! i was happy but of course i didnt show it.. i went upstairs smiling coz he's here!! hehe.. i had fun getting ready coz it really felt like it was Raya. like it was in Brunei. i felt happy and i rushed to go down. it was fun!! i mingled, flirted n ate. oh how i ate!! nyum nyum~~ owh n the begedils was gone!!! people really liked it!! it was really a lot.. abis udah ah... banggaku ckit eh.. hehe.. hehe ckit salnya its a group effort...haha..

so it was awesome n i talked to NLMM like i was used to it n stuff. it was fun! people talked n i get to know people a little better. at least homesickness is reduced to a minimum. i felt like crying earlier that morning!! but everything is oryte now. alhamdulillah.. but i missed zuhur, asar n maghrib... i know i know.. i was really lalai. i had fun today but i have butterflies everytime i see him n i caught him looking at me a few times. i dunno why but m not putting any hopes coz i know him n me willl never happen.. i would never dream of breaking his ties with my ex-classmate. not once in my life do i ever want anyone to be unhappy coz i got my way... its not what it's all about. m fine really.. i think...

the thing is that i realised he was kinda paired with another person i just met. n she looks as if she likes him as well. i was torn. i like dis girl too. she's fun n a nice girl. but oh well, i am not going to get my hopes up n hope dat him n me will have our moment or something like dat. i pray to Allah dat i will someday find my One. insyaAllah...

the realisation hit me hard today n i feel like crying my heart out now.. my heart is writhing to be noticed. but my mind refuses to acknowledge my heart. i ache to see him, to be with him in a special way but i know it is fruitless. i am Zeemah, i sometimes have to remember that. i must remind myself that ia am a person who can do anything n stuff. n i can stand on my own. so i definitely do not need him in my life. at least i think so. so now i am readying myself to accept the fact that he will be with someone else n dat someone is not necessarily me... so i have to practise my happy face... all i can manage for now is a sappy (sad+happy) smile n cheesy hand clapping.. ntah eh..

so... its kinda inevitable when i came to the decision that i made. i am officially letting go of him, my memories of him, my heart's yearning for him n all. i am going to ignore the way my heart is breaking each second, how my eyes water when the pain in my heart is too much, how my heart is fighting to be heard n having to force my heart to comply with the logic of my mind... i have to let him go n i have... owh my heart...

i am now a frail person inside. the mere mention of his name made my mind go wild because it too wants to go with my heart but i know deep inside it is not a healthy thing to do, so i am letting him go... my only hope is for my heart to mend but be a little hard so that i can finally accept him to be off-limits...and a friend, not more. this is not love, this is a deep crush-care... i care for him, so now for him i will let him go~~ i say good luck to me n i continue to pray...

my heart.. why did u betray me so~~

friday 24th october 2008;
usually my heart n my mind says the same thing.. if my mind says yum.. mcm nyaman mknan atu.. my heart says yes it is.. but now when it comes to my feelings for No Longer My Man, my mind says lets move on... but my heart shouts no... m not ready yet... such is my dilemma.. wut should i do?! i cant stand being in this situation any longer.. not anymore... m scared... i mean.. i just met the guy for the first time again n my heart trus melt.. seriously.. m thinking its like sekadar.. but my heart still lingers on him.. oh God help me...
but day by day m feeling ok but i have a sneaking feeling dat i kinda have dis crush-love fest. i knew it was a crush tym high school but now the symptoms are kinda like m in love but i dont think so.. i hope njot... coz this will definitely be harder to let go..
on wednesday me simah n nyssa went to the city to buy stuff for our raya thing n we were in the bus... well as usual, NLMM's name was mentioned like blik2..but by another person. a friend of NLMM. so the feelings came flooding back.. i was fine before... but when he said his name, my tummy did flip-flops.. m so sad... just the mere mention of his name m like jelly... but simah picked up on me feeling down so ia ckp sudah th.. jgn nyaya lg wah... so he stopped... she did the same tym nyssa nyaya aku..so thank you simah.. luv u daleng..
anyhoo... actually on dat day, No Longer My Man (NLMM) was there at the city jua.. but we didnt bump into each other.. i dunno wut to do if i did.. i would blush kali eh.. ntah eh..
den the next day, on my way to Grimond Building for IR lecture, simah started to talk about him.. on thursdays kmi bump into NLMM and friends. so simah got excited for me but i wasnt.. my tummy went into butterfly mode n the feeling atu dtg blik... n i said..shh..nda tu... simah terkezut n said bnr2 ko tutup hatimu kh? n i was like yea~~ salnya both NLMM n his ex atu my friends.. ex nya tu my close friend kali ah... i cant really do anything... i cant just say hands off coz bknnya ada apa2 bet me n him... but oh well.. as i have said earlier in "owh~ my heart", i pray to Allah dat i will fall for a guy who fell for me first n that he has the ability to whisk me into a world of love so i can just not think about NLMM ani.. i can only hope n pray... i really2 do wish i can get over this.. i wish i wish...
to ppl who know me, they are surprised m like dis.. its not me they said. its not like me to be crumbled like dis.. they know me as Zeemah who can do anything n who thinks she can do anything without any man... but now, i am lost... but i will prevail, eventually... m Zeemah after all. i can be rational. i pride myself to be a woman who knows her common sense.. but i am still waiting for my heart to catch up.. my mind is more mature than my heart... m ready to move on... but this saturday will be a challenge.. i really wished that i can just go away n forget about this. i really do.. i hope dat i can just be there n be happy. be my old self...
dats all for now... my heart is bleeding too much to continue... signing out n sighing with a heavy heart all the way to the rest of my day...

i fell in love with Kent, Canterbury UK....

hey babes,
i remember when i first heard that i was finally one of the chosen ones to go to Kent... wah... i was very happy.. i remember that day like it was yesterday.
it was a day like any other... i was at home cooking and watching tv,when my friend, Simah called me.. i answered but as i was dreading the result of whether it was decided that i could go to Kent, i wasn't as enthusiastic ass i usually was when i ans the call. simah with her innocent voice asked me whether i received any news on Kent. i said no.. still waiting. then she excitedly said that i don't have to wait anymore n she laughed.. i laughed and shouted and she shouted too.. hehe... i was happy!! finally. i know i deserve to get this but because of miscommunication between HEP in UBD and FBEPS, students couldn't go!! how absurd...
okay i'll start from the very beginning lah.. eversince i got my result i was jumpy... really was waiting whether to call HEP and ask whether i got the ofer from Kent or not.. then one night, i was told by my friend KT dat result was out...and she asked me whether i got it or not. i didnt know so asked around.. i asked dina n nora. nora said i have to go to HEP myself n check for sure n i had a deep feeling that i didnt get it at all. then dina saved my curiosity n said i didnt get it. i was really thankful to dina coz she told me the truth so i know.. its better for me to know than to contemplate whether to buy stuff for Kent or not. then, when i found out i cried non-stop that night. really felt that i should've gotten it as well as yanee n simah. i got a freakin B for God's sake!! i deserve it. i know i do.. i believe that we make our own rezeki, if we are willing to work for it. so my sister (ka pj) n my bro-in-law (bg mori) n me went to HEP to ask the Dean of Students. we gt to the bottom of it and lo and behold! the Dean said that it is not really for the two best students in the progrmme but as many as thye programme wanted to send. FBEPS understanding was that HEP only wanted them to send two of the best students. so as i said before, because of miscommunications a number of students couldn't have gone!! they (HEP and FBEPS) should've clarified this before... but Alhamulillah, i get to go... so now i am here safely in Kent. cold and tired but at the same tym grateful that Allah gave me the chance to come heere n study.
Kent is a beautiful place. dubbed as the the GARDEN OF ENGLAND, Kent lives up to it. there are greenery everywhere like in Brunei. it is beutiful. we have rolling hills that are green, sheep, cows, u name it.. we got it. n back in Brunei, eversince i am aware of the global standing we are in, global warming and such, n Gore's documentary.. i have been trying little steps to save the world. in Kent, you are not given a bag unless u ask for it and some even charge u for it. i usually just put my groceries in my bag. n in school, we recycle. i love it here.. ppl are so concsious about being green here.
but it is freakin cold, especially now that it is nearing wnter.. brrr.... leaves are falling, the sky always dark but now and again the sun comes up and brightens our day. hence.. a glorious day!! will update soon coz i need to go shopping with the girls for Hari Raya open house in our house... ugh.. ngaleh ni krg eh.. oh well...
will write in later loh.....
c yous~~

owh my heart~

today 21st October 2008....
it has been 5 days since i found out that a man i like like is currently in contact with his ex-girlfriend. how bummed was i? i am so bummed... my heart just went thump~ and my life has lost its joyful glitter that it once had... my heart is broken...
it was a day to be celebrated. he found me first.. he recognised me but i didnt recognise him... once i did, however, i was smitten. he was a classmate of mine in my high school and i had feelings for him then too. now, the feelings have awakened and i am deeply and frighteningly falling for him... i am scared, as i had a right to.
i was happy when i knew that he was single and here in my Uni of all uni... i was on cloud nine~ he was always smiling at me.. we talked and he was wonderful... to other people, he was cute, just cute but to me he was a hunk.... he has a gentle face, a gentle heart and a beautiful personality. i am torn...
now i just found out that he is in contact with his ex-girlfriend, also my ex-classmate.. i am crushed. it feels as if my heart was wrenched out of my body, stepped on by people trying to shop on Boxing Day, ripped by a hungry werewolf, cut open with a jagged knife and finally thrown over Everest to be finished off by others... my hurt continues on...
my heart aches for him, my feelings are bleak, my life dull. he made me feel all warm and hug-like inside. he made my blood rush when i speak to him, when he smiled at me and when my friends tease me about him i blush.. i dont usually blush because of my skin tone but i blush because of him. my deep crush has turned itself into a deep crash.
how i wish it was only me and him... no one else but us.. life would be perfect...
my ideal scenario would be that he n i are together, my heart is with him and his with me. he's good to my dad and my family, him being the Prince Charming that he is. we look at each other with a deep love that is not contested. we look at each other like there's no one more beautiful or desirable. when we're alone, we are the best of friends, a considerate half of me... sensitive and wholly mine.. how i wish~~
but in reality his heart is not mine, but mine his.... sad is the word operative here. my heart aches with every thump. i cant look at other guys anymore...
he and i had nothing that were started nor even considered. we talked all but two times, both friendly... how i wish he was mine~ if only~~ but now me n him wont have the chance to explore our possibilities. he is gone before i even get a chance to get to know him and me him. but i know deep in my heart i long for him to be at least curious about me,asks of me, even the slightest... desperate me...
he fills my soul, never want to let go.. he is there.. in my heart, my mind, my soul. i cant forget about him. i want him with all my heart... i am torn~~
if he really isnt for me then my only prayer to Allah regarding this is for me to fall for a guy who loves me with all his heart. one that can guide me out of this feeling of despair. one that has the capability and ability to sweep me off my feet and whisk me to a land of love, where i know only of his love.
i wish he and his potential girlfriend to be happy, and me to find another. i hope they make each other happy, knowing fully well that they would probably be happy.. and me in a dark corner, trying to be happy,act like nothing's wrong, but i know i would jump at the slightest whisper if he needs me... i will...
but in the meantime my heart is torn, my life dull.. his smile is precious.. my memories of him will forevermore be in me, in a special corner of my broken heart to stay there till its full and i break...
how i wish he is mine....

hola chica~

assalamualaikum,
zeemah here, also known as gymz as well. feel free to call me by any name.. even the Medical Centre in UKC call me by Zeemah Ahmad.
anyhoo~~ i hope i can maintain this blog and can update it regularly.. lastly, have a fun day n enjoy n embrace yourself..
tell yourself to be beautiful coz u need to tell yourself that.
adios, and stay beautiful people..