i dont feel so good~~~

23rd feb 2009 1904hrs monday;

hormones hormones hormones... hmmm.... guess wut i did today... the one thing dat i am trying very hard to avoid is the one that i bought... i bought vanilla ice cream... nyaman eh... td i went to the citay alone coz i need to go shop... kn tenangkan my fikiran... but i ended up buying a load of stuff... decided then n dere in tesco i would treat the girls to naan n tikka masala... since aku pun tais liur mliat... haha... calie... n ice cream yg i bot ani lg yg 2 litres... selahaw... tp nyaman.. i dunno why i bot those stuff padahal aku atu kn bli roti sja... oh well...

so otw to the city td i saw a lot of people... strangely enuff i saw a lot of couples... hmmm.... saying sumthing much?? ntah eyh... kn tenang fikiran pun nda jd wah... depressing eh... i think dats why i bot a lot of stuff td atu kali.. ntah lh ah... aku pun nda tau napa aku rasa cani now... sdgkn aku ani nda jua sng kn terpengaruh kn bli mknan catu... nda apalah... sekali ani sja...

so saja kn luahkan... been reading a lot about kisah2 cinta urg on the net n i find a lot of them sweet... some of the things dat a guy can write to their significant others are so sweet that i cant believe the guys did that... n some ada yg cintanya nda kna balas n that they cant tell the ones dat they love atu... kesian lah... so td when i went to the city, i was recalling a lot of stuff... a lot of memories... a lot of nostalgia... a lot of feelings... i dunno eyh...

no mood today... dats why i feel kind of malas n stuff... i know i nd to do my work but i cant seem to find the strength to do them... not when i feel like this... n the fact that i feel like this is what is dragging me down...

i hate the feeling that i am weak when i think of you... i hate the feeling that i cant tell you a lot of stuff... i hate the feeling when i know someone else is with u... i hate the feeling when i know i have to get used to you being away from me... i hate the feeling of you being far away from me when all i know is that i want you to be beside me all the tym... i hate the feellings that i am not strong... it took me a long tym to be this strong n in an instant, you took this away from me... just like dat... i hate that...

on the other hand....

i love the way you smile, i love the way you tease, i love the way you have always made me feel better... i love the way you protect me, i love the way you make me feel, i love the way you know when to back off, i love the way you look at me...

so what to do?? nothing, but to wait n see... i will forge on being a strong-ish lady. i will continue on as if my heart isnt crumbling. i will continue to be happy even when i am not fully happy... ppl have been doing this their whole lives... so why cant i? i can do this... i just have to keep telling myself that... i have to~~~

i am glad~~~

20th feb 2009 friday 1520 hrs;

last nyte i was once again in my lowest state ever... i was sad... i miss Sam... didnt wanna get bekumpul w the girls coz i know i will cry tu sma drg...i did cry though when i was alone in my room... stupid hormones...

but last nyte, they are all worried... all of dem asked if i was olryte... sumtyms i worry if i am becoming transparent... they know me so well now... especially simah n deena.... i think coz we spend tym a lot now... its hard to believe dat it has been only 4 mths together now n we know when to ask n when not to... scaryyyyy......

so last nyte deena panggil aku msuk bilik simah to just hangout... i appreciate the effort deena... i feel a lil better d bilik simah... so tq...

anyways, simah dgn sipu2 nya tanya m i ok or not... n as usual i sed i was ok... but yea~~~ i wasnt, not really... we watched 7 pds last nyte n it was siuk... hehe... tp nda abis... but i felt better after watching the movie last nyte... thanx leng... u owez know how to make me feel better... love you...

i know i feel better today... i might feel down nanti who knows.... but i kinda feel i will go carzy without my girls having my back.... so thanx simah, deena, nyssa, yanie n greyz... u guys are the bestest ever!!! i love you guys...

enuff said~~~

19th feb 2009 thursday 2156 hrs;

...i miss you...

we can never be so i surrender. its best if it is that way

...will never question...

-the end-

and so it goes...

19th feb 2009 thursday 1813hrs;

it's our reading wk nie this week... as usual tym reading wk, no reading is done, contrary to what readng week stands for... ntah ah.. malas lah.. lately its been a week of fun sja... sipun semua urg bekurung dlm bilik n d house is sunyi, its Deena's bday week so its a fun week... hehe... n oso.... thanx to Simah, aku liat Hindustan movie d youtube... KHABIE KHUSHI KHABIE GHAM... seronok nyer... m s Hindusani freak so aku blik2 nada arrh perkumpulan d gangz salnya aku blik2 masuk arh bilikku kn liat K3G... syok eyh.. liat ah kmu... if u want lah... but highly recommended from me... first liat Kuch Kuch Hota Hai dulu den liat K3G... u wont nyasal... bnr.. i liketo the max... hehe... anyhoo... so aku nda buat kaja ku... i know i know... nda batah lg due n stuff...

amidst all this, i kinda feel all mushy inside... maybe sal its d tym of the month but balik semula episode ku sedih2... rumah lg sunyi sja... now its hard for me to kuarkn wut i feel coz i kinda feel bnr2 sad n depressed... i dunno why... i need bapa... i miss bapa... the voice of bapa aritu madde my day n i cant stop smiling... i love my dad....very very much... i miss home nowadays too!! oh well, nya c noi nda batah lg blik so m looking forward to it... i wanna run from all this and just be in BRUNEI.. brunei, tanahairku.... i appreciate brunei now... okeh random~~~

i think sal aku oversleep ani aku nda brapa thinking clear.. adios people... malasku kn type lg lah... nantiku upload pics... if i feel like it...

this song~~~

this song reflects what i feel inside, as much as i share, nobody ele knows what is inside of me but me...

Lyrics

wut do i feel ryte now?? a recap~~~

8th feb 2009 sunday 1926hrs;

i know it has been a long tym since i last updated... but i have stuff to do n i'm still contemplating whether to kep my blog private or public... coz the thing is, when i read back my previous blogs, i come off as a person who isnt in contrl of her emotions, not in control of herself, harsh and dependent... that is a lot to receive from a stranger's view... so i'm still thinking...

a recap...

i said no to Sam, still think dat is the best hing to do... h understands... but i am afraid that i will be weak and say yes... even now, i miss him really much, i miss him coz my heart aches for him... i miss him coz even now when i said no to him, he understands n stood by and let me be me... other ppl would've memajal to pester n stuff but he understands me n he doesnt want to pester me that much... i feel so weak whenever i think of him... but i will stay strong here with my friends coz they are the only ppl who knows me...

second thing, i was worried with kapjah coping with the kids ryte?? well, abg mori is here now... so at least kapjah ada moral support n physicl support... so i need not worry n just concentrate on my life here... so dat i am thankful to Allah coz now kapjah can study n concentrate on being a student... coz i know she is struggling...

third and last...

i miss home... whenever i sleep alone, i always recall the way bapa smiles when he picks me up from school and jokingly asked me to drive the Pregio van... haha... basr gila kali ah pregio ah... i miss Bapa... he seldoms smile for the camera but i got one pic of him smiling... n i wanna blow dat one up and taruh arah bilik so i can hug him whenever i fell homesick... i miss Bapa... lamah rasaku eyh without him here with me... i cry but nobody knows... even in the midst of hapiness with Eyah celebrating her bday here, i still yearn for my home... at home, i feel safe... at home, i feel secure... at home, i feel loved... at home, ADA BAPA!!!

okay.. dats the recap for all the happenings.. all the feelings that i have felt for the past few days... i cant control what i fell so i let it out here coz i dunno where else to go to...

another thing i have to get off my chest is this question:

how can you tell if someone is in love with you?? my friends, leave a taggy and answer this question, coz i wanna know what u think...

for me, i know that i love that someone when i feel lonely whenever that person is not with me... not enjoying the same experience as i am... i know i love that someone when i would rather spend my time with that person than do anything else... i know i love that someone when i do not mind sharing... i know i love that someone when i know that their smile that is directed only for me is what made my day... i know i love that person when i only care what they think of me... i know i love that someone when i would go to the ends of the Earth for them... i know that i love someone when i feel that that person is the only one that matters.. everything else doesnt... i know i love that someone when their hug made me feel better... i know i love that someone when i find everything they have to say and do are interesting, when i feel that everyone else's stuffs are no big deal... point i am making is dat, i know when i love someone...

question is: DO YOU?? and would you dare to tell them that you love them, in a serous manner and not infront of a lot of ppl and expect it to be nonchalant... tell them that you love them... dont be afraid... if it is worth you loving them, then you knw they wont reject you just like that... they wont.. they will give you a hug n tell you what they feel.. either way, you will feel better...

sometimes, the smallest things can make you fall in love with them... the way they walk, the way they talk, the way they smile, the way they look at you in that special way only they know how... the way they care about your well-being... even if they feel that they look ugly, you feel that they are the most beautiful being in the whole world... the fact is, love will triumph... as always...

so my msg for today is leave a taggy and ans the qn: how can you tell if a person loves you.. or when u know u love that someone... tell me... i wanna know...

another thing... when and if you love someone, TELL THEM... dnt wonder what will happen next coz u know they wont rejact you totally... so TELL THEM!!!

Adios n farewell chica~~~ i love you all... you read my stuff n might think u know me, but there are a lot of things buried deep inside of me that only me and Allah know... and i wanna keep it that way... so, assalamualaikum...