A lot has been happening around the house... couple that with things at work and it can make anybody go crazee... honestly, I need to surround myself with positive energy... sometimes it is not enough that you know people love you, you feel lonely at times... even in the midst of a big crowd, you are alone, coz nobody knows what you are thinking exactly.... dont get me wrong... I love my family, my friends, my life. It is just that some things are not in your control and being a control freak sometimes things that I do kill me inside...

But at the end of the day, there will always be that little thing that makes the wrongs of the day right... So I'm good... Just need a little me time you know... Yeah must be it...

Aloha n I'm sending good vibes to the world in hopes of good vibes going my way.... peace!

Hell of a week!!!

I realised that having a loud karaoke is not a good thing to have... You will enjoy it.. But will it be the same for others?? This week, I didnt enjoy it one bit! Go figure!

I am tired of this!!!

I am so tired of refreshing the wall of your fb just so I can get a glimpse of any sort of activity that u make... How sad am I? Whenever your name pops out at the friends newspage, I get all excited. Only to be disappointed when you were just playing games on fb or wrote something on the walls of others but not on mine... I dunno how much of this I can take... I miss you so badly even when I know I have to be strong... I just miss you and that's the truth...

I miss being adventurous with cooking~~~

Hello y'all...

I was going through my old pictures from Kent when i stumbled onto my folder full of food pics... Oh I do miss cooking with reckless abandon!!!

So enjoy! Top left is my raspberry tartlett. Beside that is my very own Chicken Balti (best Indian dish I've ever made I must say!). Bottom left is Chicken Pandan with Coconut Rice (After grilling the chix covered with Pandan leaf, I proceed to fry the wings in vegetable oil, adding more flavours.) Bottom right is my Tuna tacos sauteed with belle pepper and carrots, accompanied by caramelised oven fries with garlic served with homemade thousand island.

YUM!!!!

Insecure~~~

You know, even through all the things that reassured me, i am still insecure. Not sure as to what the outcome would be. I am optimistic though... Positive things that were said about me and you assured me, but on the other hand, you are not a penyampai hati person so others can attract you... It is just a matter of circumstances. Circumstances change and I feel as though I have been neglected but in a sense I feel that the feeling is mutual. So how to remedy this?? I guess being honest would probably be the best solution to all this confusion. But being honest is not an option here. I guess I just have to be content as to the way things are at the moment. But how can I!!!!!! I am a jealous person man!!

Love is lost in this matter... So pick me...

What I want when I work...

I want a whole load of things.... I want materialistic stuff, i want spiritual stuff... but for now, I will just list my wants...

1. My own CAR (preferably a Corvette)
2. My own Place (I wanna live alone but I want on weekends n weeknights my house to be full of family and friends. I will have a guestroom for sleepovers!)
3. My own KITCHEN (coz I love to cook)
4. My own MONEY (I want to earn a lot coz I want to afford the previous items.. hehehe...)
5. My own WALK-IN CLOSET (ani for my shoes... coz I'm crazy for shoes...)
6. My own HDTV (so I can watch all my favourite series and movies with my hair blowing with all the noise my Bose speakers on full blast!)
7. My own STUDIO (I want a whole studio for showing my photos that I take with Bianca... also, I want to develop my own pictures...)

I know that it is kinda a lot... but I can dream n I truly believe that without dreams you will have no direction... So DREAM ON.... (I mean it...!!)

Taken for Granted...

Hello people,

Exam's coming soon.... I have not read anything yet... I have not the faintest clue as to what I am studying.. N apparently my Personal Statement is crap... Urgh.... Urang HRD buat bnyk corrections ah... mati kali... atuu ia.... haha...

anyhoo, I kinda need to vent... How come there are inequalities in the world??? I mean, you would think that there should be equal opportunities n stuff ryte??? but noooo... u have to know someone or be a relative of someone to advance in life... Life's a *ITCH...!! i dont like it one bit... soooo unfair....

Other than the negative things di atas, I feel I have significant progress in dealing with my inner demons regarding love.. I have let go of him n I for the first time feel hatred towards Sam on 1st April... n after that, as if by magic, I kinda dont feel pangs of jealousy everytym I was reminded of him... Is dat progress or is dat progress... Say it with me now... I have significantly progressed for the better.... hahaha... i think this could be good, no???

NOW, WHAT i NEED TO DO IS CONCENTRATE N JUST BELAJAR for examss....... wish me luck....

I need to really relax...

Okay like seriously I am pissed off a little tym ani... and utterly confused... anyhoo, my question is: is it bad if I feel that I want to wring the neck of someone just because they did something that makes them happy but in the expense of others?? I guess it is bad, but I just cant stop myself in indulging in my imagination where I am wringing your pretty little neck!!!! hahah!!! take that you little hypocrite and kiss ass person!!!

On another note, I think I have a lot on my plate. I need to take care of the Election Day for FBEPS, I have other responsibilities and I have a lot of assignments to do...!!! argh! I really have no idea how I can cope with these things!! Honestly!

I just had Shaeyna fixed today... Thank God I didnt have to pay a lot. It only costs $15 to fix her... Shaeyna's my lappy's name btw... I know I'm weird... I name my favourite things... So anyways, Shaeyna was a little bit shy and her Monitor came up blank. So I panicked and sent her to DcL Communications where I got her... Thank God it was a minor thing... I dunno what I would do if Shaeyna was kaputzz...

For now I know I am relaxing and stuff, but in the end I will get it done... I hope... and I cant wait for everything to be done so that I can just have enough rest and dont have to go to school every saturday as well.. I'm tired...

FRIENDS, COMPANION, MEMORIES

The days that went by when I was in Kent were one of the things in my life that I will treasure forever. Even in the midst of trying to understand friends, trying to shake off the feeling of homesickness, the feeling of being abandoned and also the gratefulness that I felt for having them in my life, I will definitely not forget the journey that I was in to try to understand myself. For this I am eternally grateful! The people that I've met, got close to, all the experiences that I had there, I know now that I understand myself more so than before. And I owe this to those who were there together with me & to my family who were absent at that time. Maybe I need for my family to be away so that I appreciate them more and to discover myself more.

And so I feel nostalgic... who wouldnt be? the short 10 months I spent there was like a lifetime for me. So bear with me...

Here are pictures of which moments I will remember.. some of many.... As this blog only allows 5 pics, I chose these moments...I love the people within these pics...except Jul... Thats Simah's daleng!! the only guy in the pic... Here I would like to thank Jul also coz at the time he helped to clean the house, be a sporting guy and making Simah happy at the time... So THANK YOU!!! I pray always that Simah n Jul will find their happy ending...

To the people who have touched my life in Kent, here's a tribute to you!!
SIMAH & JUL, DINA, GREYZ, NYSSA, EYAH and YANIE!!! I am blessed to have met and to have you all in my life!!

Coffee and me~~~

I cant help it if I love coffee... It has been in me for most of my life.. through-in and throughout, through the bad and the good, through hail or storm or on sunny days... I LOVE COFFEE...!!! I cant help it... I do not think less of those who dont like coffee.. But what I know for sure is that I love coffee... I think coffee breath is an attractive quality rather than a negative one... I love talking to a person who has coffee breath.. Rather than think. "brush your teeth man!" or "take a mint or something!!" , I would say, "hmmmm..." in a good way! It fascinates me how you can turn a simple coffee into some sort of art to marvel on... I remeber this one time I was in a coffee joint in Birmingham. I ordered a latte and it was the Christmas holidays. So the barrister did a Santa Claus as a decoration with the foamed milk. When I collected my coffee at the counter, I closed my eyes and inhaled the amazing scent that coffee has and opened my eyes. The barrister was watching me when I did that and so understandably he has this amused smile. He was startled however when I exclaimed, "WOW!!!! HOW'D YOU DO THAT???" The barrister heard me wrongly and said, "oh did I get you order wrong miss?" and I said, "no no!! you got it perfectly! I love the Santa Claus on it..." He laughed and said, "wow, I can see you are a coffee lover!" and I said, "obviously!!" He laughed and said, "you should be a barrister someday..." The moment he said those words I swear I was seriously considering of dropping all and take a course on making coffee... and not the public policy course I was taking! But then I landed unpleasantly into reality and realised that I cant really do that! I was on scholarship for God's sake! I have responsibilities! and so, here I am, not pursuing to be a barrister... But I keep life interesting by being adventurous coffee-wise. I will get a coffee any chance I get... and I will continue doing so, hopefully far into the future...

Everything in moderation...

saw the other day a lot of ppl in Gadong.. it was payday! so naturally all of Brunei in unison went to Gadong. it just so happens that I wanted a Prosperity burger on the same day... turns out there was a lot of ppl in McD. apparently ppl were queueing up for seats... so all the customers who had seats were presssured to eat fast... hahaha.... imgine a lot of ppl eyeing your seat while you were eating... yummy much???? hahaha... so instead ate Ideal stuff.. it's cheper anyways.. Sesiapunnnn.....

ODE TO THE ONE...

To My Love who will remain as unrecognized as always as the whole world is against us:

To you, I might be a fleeting glance,

To me, you are a glance that warrants a lingering chain of meaningful and hopeful stare,

To you, I might just be a whisper in the wind,

To me, you are a shout in the air that wrenches my heart of my breaths,

To you, I might just be a speck of dust in the rays of the sun,

To me, you are a speck of dust that Horton cannot bear to ignore,

To you, I might just be a mere drop of water.

To me, you are not a drop of water but the Niagara Falls.

That is how much you mean to me…

You, who could turn my foulest mood into one of my happiest in a second by just being there;

Yours always through in and throughout,

Zeemah Ahmad.

AN ODE FOR THE LOVE OF MY LIFE; BURDENED BY THE CONFORMITIES OF THE WORLD.

Throughout these years, you have shaped who I am without even realizing it. You , who took me by the hand and made the touch linger in my heart forever. You have indeed taken hold of my mind, body and soul. You will have the hold in my heart, you can wrench it from being burdened with the weight of the world to being the most carefree heart in the whole universe.

My love for you is eternal, you are the final thought in my head before I sleep, you who shaped the imaginary world that I live in… only with the thought f you in my mind do I sleep without worry…

To you My Love… From my heart to you…

Zeemah Ahmad.

Like a fool...

So here I am, in my room just doing nothing. I now have a beautiful and neat timetable for the semester. Just calculated my whole semester results and I just need to have a B in order to graduate with a 2:1. I hope I get it... and pressure of pressure... I have decided to take Masters. But in what I am not sure. I will see the prospectuses from universities all over the world. But I am more inclined to do my Masters in Brunei coz I feel at ease here. But on the other hand, I do not want to do any courses that is Public Policy. So what to do??? I really do not know... But I feel confident that I will know sooner or later.

On the other hand, I hardly find a guy who likes a girl just the way they are. I witnessed a girl (J) who has been the forever friend to this guy and she is a great friend. Always there when he (C) needs her. But in the end, he likes this other girl (D) instead. My friend was devastated. He talks about this other girl to his friend all the tym. and D doesnt really appreciate him the way J does. Such is life... Not everything is peachy keen... It is so sad... J is just there and suppressed her love for him while he rants about D when D doesnt even know C's existence.... Go figure... I hope J will find another who is worthy of her love. C is so oblivious... Like HELLO!!! WAKE UP!!!! But in the end, I have faith that C will wake up and realise the fact that he needs to appreciate J more.

So that's all folks... I am beat... School started three days ago and every night I feel sleepy when the clock strucks nine. Haha... I hate school...

ADIOS....