gua kangen banget~~~~

saturday 28th march 2009 2225 hrs;

assalamualaikum all... gua kangen banget tym ni... lyk brabisly... i wanna just curl up on my bed n just be done with life here in Kent. i wanna go home n be in my room n just be glad dat i am home... knowing that things are hapenning at home that i dont like doesnt help either. i hate dis... oh Allah help me find salvation. pls help him... ease his pain n help him... i dont want him to suffer...help other ppl to help him... help him to be free n happy dont let him be sad and lonely... Allah help him, i beg of you...

some ppl out dere might think dat i am crazy to yearn for home when i live here with my wonderful friends, being independent n not be burdened by the difficult life at home. but i would rather have dat than be sad hre n missing... i miss home, i miss my DADDY, i miss zaki, i miss Enoi, i miss Sam... but i know dat being home doesnt guarantee my hapiness.. not at all.. instead it would further susahkan aku when i know Sam is in the same country... but Bapa will be dere n be my rock. whenever i feel lost or do not have any wer to go, i know i can owez go to Bapa. Bapa will give me the right advice even when i dont tell him stuff... i will never take Bapa for granted ever again. i will cherish Bapa brabis... salam tangan Bapa whenever i see him, cium tangan Bapa dgn bibir n not my dahi atau pipii, coz i know Bapa suka klw anak2 nya cium tgnnya dgn bibir rather than dahi or pipi. i wish i can just run now to hm n just be glad dat i am in the same vicinity as him, coz i know he doesnt judge. he truly doesnt judge... as much as i would like to think dat other ppl dont judge, i value Bapa punya opinion the most coz i know his opinion will be etched in my heart n mind tarus... i miss Bapa bnr2... i miss cooking for him whenever he comes down to the kitchen. i miss driving him around... waaa... i wanna go home...

also what i am thinking ryte now is dat i know i may never be ready to really let go, i know i have to... rindu atu memang akan sentiasa ada selagi i dont have Sam. but i know deep in my heart dat i am better off without Sam. but it doesnt help dat every single thing dat i see around me n feel around me i wanna share with Sam... i cant tell all of what is in my heart coz i know Sam is happy with Juliana... i really hope them well... may they be happy n get married n have children coz i know dat is what they ultimately want to do.. i cant compete with dat... i know i cant... aku nda mampu utk bertanding when i know the love that they have felt for each other for so long is agung n i cant disturb dat... but it doesnt help when i know that he has feelings as i do n dat he is torn... but he is more inclined to just be with Juliana coz they are meant to be with each other... he dreams of being with her n she dreams all her life to be with him... i cant compete with that... i am the newcomer.. i dont have the right... nobody does. they only have the right to themselves... i cant disturb dat n i never will.. i promise... it is with the utmost heavy heart that i am letting him go... forever this time... i cant handle being broken anymore, i know i cant handle it... i know i have to be independent n just do what i can to better myself... i have to focus my thoughts and my whole being into studying n not think about stuff... i know i can n i will... i know i can... again the mantra, i will triumph...

never in my heart do i ever know dat i will fall so hard and fast for Sam when i know dat what i am doing is wrong... but to be selfish, i need to say no.. i have then n i wasnt ikhlas, but i am saying no again now so i will triumph.. i am ready now, at least on the surface...

i will miss you Sam bcause i love you truly madly deeply... with all of my heart and my soul n my whole being... i know we can never be n i surrender... dis is my sacrifice, for i know a sacrifice is love in itself... pengorbanan adalah satu cara utk menunjukkan rasa cinta... n i do... i will owez love you n i will owez care for u... bt i understand... u love Juliana more than anyone n dat includes me, so i am letting you go.... i am sorry...

peace out, coz i dont have anymore tears to cry... i am spent~~~ ngalehku udah rasa cani ani...

what's going on inside of me~~~

monday 9th march 2009 1617hrs;

wanna know what's going on inside of me ryte now? Adele's song here is what i am feeling ryte now... to make you feel my love... read the lyrics, look it up in YouTube, understand the lyrics, and generaally just feel it... this is wht is going on in my life. always torn, always seaching, always not really happy.

my birthday's in 2 days tym n i dont feel happy. thisis coz my dad isnt here n dis stupid dilemma i am experiencing ryte now isnt helping much. i became sooo sensitive ately dat i am so sick n tired of crying at the slightest event that reminds me of you, dat reminds me that i can never have you as i want you. i would go to the ends of the world for u, to make ou feel my love. ppl say u cnt choose the ones you fall for... i know dat big tym!!! stupid!!!

ENJOY... ADELE: To Make You Feel My Love...

When the rain is blowing in your face

And the whole world is on your case

I could offer you a warm embrace

To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear

And there is no one there to dry your tears

I could hold you for a million years

To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet

But I would never do you wrong

I've known it from the moment that we met

No doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue

I'd go crawling down the avenue

There's nothing that I wouldn't do

To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on the rollin' sea

And on the highway of regret

The winds of change are blowing wild and free

You ain't seen nothing like me yet

I could make you happy,

make your dreams come true

Nothing that I wouldn't do

Go to the ends of the earth for you

To make you feel my love

just feel the love...

5th march 2009 1727hrs thursday;

once u have been touched by love, u can never ignore it.. once you have been scarred by love, u can never ignore it... once u recognise love, u can identify it... which is why i yearn for u...

being misunderstood is normal... being in denial is normal... being feeling outta love is normal... but to ignore that you deserve love is absurd!!! everybody deserves to be loved... i do n you too...

having friends is owez a good thing... having bestfriends is an even greaterr thing... but having the bestest friend who understands you n u them n who has real concern for u... that's the really best feeling u can have in the whole world...

being hurt is normal... being hurt n letting go is hard, i know... but let go... u may find some great surprises within... but never hurt anybody intentionally... coz i know being hurt is a bitch...

and so... my lesson of the day is to just let things flow the way they are... dont care for what other ppl may think... coz in the end, it is you who matter.. love the ones you love fiercely n never hurt them... being hurt by someone yo love is the worst feeling ever... i know~~~ let them know that you love them coz believe it or not... if u dont say that u love them, they might never know...

adios~~~