truth's out n m done...adios~~~

29th dec 2008 monday 2105hrs;

and so the truth's out... blocked you, tried what i can n i hope u have a nice life, work out the probs with ur The One n leave me be... when u read this i hope u understand. n i plead u not to come here or even try to contact me...

as was said in The Holiday, i need to fall out of love with you n i hope u would let me... this was written by Iris to Jasper in an email. i know i am cruel by blocking u out. i know u nd me but i cant let u lean on me n the result being dat i will fall more in love with u. i cant!! u have Juli to think about... in this i need to be selfish. take solace in Juli n she will be happy.. she needs u... i know dat... u will heal as will i... i just chose to do it first... cold turkey style...

from now on, i will ignore u, from now on i will avoid u, from now on i will build my life without u in mind. i banish u from my mind n my heart. will force my heart to mend. will leave the door to my heart unlocked but it is closed for now n no one can enter until the lock is unbroken. for now the lock is broken because my heart is healing. n it will mend in tym, i know it.

and so, adios Sam... be with Juli... n be happy, if u are ryte for each other i am happy for u... who knows, maybe in the future we can truly be friends...

...goodbye...

...let me be...

what i gather~~~

today monday 29th dec 2008 2035hrs;

what i gather is dat i have friends, i have dreams, i have family who love me... that what i ask for n nothing more... does dat sound about right?? not really... dat was just me putting on a face, a brave front... i need more...

i am thankful for the generous and loving family dat i have, the very best friends anyone could ever hope for. i have those n i am thankful. what is missing for me now is the self-satisfaction that i did good. falling for someone is not one of them. dat was not a good thing to do. but to fall for someone who has a partner already is a BIG NO-NO for me. i cant afford to do that. i wanna erase all these feelings and just be someone that i know i am... i do not want to tear them apart... never in my life...

talked to a few of my good friends about this n all of them said i am not to blame... i beg to differ... i have to fall out of love with that person... i have to n i need to... my mind has made this decision n i am just waiting for my heart to listen... i am still waiting...

had a long chat with simah after she read my previous posts... it was on the 28th i think... i was feeling especially down on dat day coz i was thinking about it n missing the memories... chat with simah n lo n behold! she did not judge as deena didnt as well... therefore i am thankful dat i have them... gld dat i talked with them n feel better about it... i honestly did... talked a lil with jam but didnt tell all n talked with kam as well... all of them made me feel better... never in my life have i known such good friends as they... i will tell jeehah when the tym comes... n i am pretty sure she will not judge... and faats too...

and so today, i have made up my mind to just let go n avoid... avoid this issue n just go cold turkey. i will triumph... i alwys have n i will...

i am a strong gal... i have always known that.. but i am stronger with my friends having my back... i am thankful... i dunno what i would do without them...

and so my friends, i salute you... you have been the warmest most generous friends i could ever ask for... n i appreciate each one of you... just so u know, i will be there whenever u nd me... just as you have...

enough said... love ya guys!!! girl power!!!

"All By Myself"

When I was youngI never needed anyone

And making love was just for fun

Those days are gone

Livin' aloneI think of all the friends I've known

When I dial the telephone

Nobody's home

All by myself

Don't wanna be

All by myselfAnymore

Hard to be sure

Sometimes I feel so insecure

And loves so distant and obscureRemains the cure

All by myselfDon't wanna beAll by myselfAnymoreAll by myself

Don't wanna live

All by myself

Anymore

When I was youngI never needed anyone

Making love was just for fun

Those days are gone

All by myself

Don't wanna be

All by myself

Anymore

All by myself

Don't wanna live

OhDon't wanna live

By myself, by myself

Anymore

By myself

Anymore

Oh

All by myself

Don't wanna liveI never, never, never

Needed anyone

and so, true as can be, i am all by myself, i never could rely on anybody else but me. so i will only surrender to me n only me... only Allah knows how i hurt inside n i thank Him that He gave me the friends i have ryte now who understand n love me for who i am, not for what i did but for who i really am inside... my friends i love you all...

special note to Deena NDZ: thanx for understanding leng... will be dere if u nd me okeh?

me now~~~

friday 26th dec 2008 0041hrs;

still not asleep still tired but still full of feelings i cant comprehend...

m in birm now n missing my home in kent... i miss being independent n being able to do stuff on my own n just enjoy being around my friends... surrounded by ppl who love me... cooking with simah, laughing around n enjoying her company... laughing around with the gals in d middle of d nyte, eating snacks n generally just being comfortable...

all dis not to say dat i dont like it here in birm. i do.. i love it here.. my sis n my SyaShen are here... i am with family... i feel somewhat comfortable here but i feel really homesick when i am here.. i feel like i wanna go home but actually i am.. all i nd now is bapa n zaki.. waaaa~~~~

oh well, i will be home in ummm... 7mths... wow thats a long way away... honestly, i keep telling myself dat its just sekajap sja but bnrnya batah lg wah... i will triumph...

so, i discovered febreeze spray yg orange makes me think of you.. i miss u terribly.. esp now dat everything is quiet.. i will definitely buy the spray so i can spray it in my room when those days come n i miss u too much dat i weaken n have to give in to anything that reminds me of you.. i really miss u to heart.. i dunno why i feel dis way.. i know it isnt allowed, u have ur own significant other n i beg of u to be faithful but at the same tym i cant help but be selfish coz i want u as my own.. help me God!! please salvage me from this feeling... i dont wanna feel dis way n suffer.. pls be merciful n let me down gently... i nd to be saved n i cant help but pray dat dis feeling will disappear so i dont hafta feel dis way n not be really disappointed later.. i will miss u... at dis point, u are at the top tier of my priorities, the deepest place in my heart, the first thing that i think about in d morn n the last thing at nyte....

argh`~~ help me.. maybe if i find a different person to be obssessed with then i will get over you.. notice whenever u ask whether i am fine or not i will owez say i am fine but actually in my heart i am not n m craving for u... i crave for u but i know dat it will nt be n dat u will go away n i dread dat day.. i hope to goodness dat i will be able to let u go n be happy... i hope no one gets hurt n i will stop wutever it is we r doing n let u n ur significant other just be the couple dat u r.. so, i will again mengalah n try n be me... i know i will be forever ur friend... eventhough aku nda rela, i understand.. dis is who i will have to be forever coz i noe u n me wont happen... i do not want to be the person to break u guys up... its sinful!!! i will be here though if u still want me... or better yet, let my feelings be gone... shoo it away n stop being charming okay, so i wont fall for u on an everyday basis... help me God!!!

i will go now n dream about u coz dat is the only thing i can afford to do without falling for u again... i miss u... if u could feel everytym i miss u n crave for u, u wont sleep, u wont be happy coz u will feel the chronic pain, the everlasting hunger to be with someone u know u love but knows dat they dont love u dat way.. knowing that u will owez be friends but never more... my heart is breaking again... pls mend it n soon.. or break it totally so i know dat in the future to not let myself fall for anyone that suddenly n deeply.. i dunno how dis happened...

do not judge me for i do not judge u... do not look at me like i want to masuk campur urg yg ada sudah urg in their heart... i do not ask for me to feel dis way... i do not ask to fall for sum1 i know dont love me the way i love that person... i did not.. so save ur judgements n dont say anything to me cos i am trying hard to look away n ignore my aching heart... its hard enuff for me to feel dis way let alone face the judgements of ppl so back off!! i will tell when i am ready... but i know ppl who know me will be surprised n maybe stop being my friend... i dunno...

all i know is that i love fiercely, hate fiercely, compassionate, care deeply n i cant help feeling those things... so i will dry my damnest to stop feeling this way.. all i ask is for u who reads this to give me a hug n say i understand n i wont judge... i will appreciate it!!!

adios... sigh~~~

the feelings again!

saturday 20th dec 2008 2221hrs;

its hard when u fall fr someone who is loving and gentle and well-liked. its hard coz u nd attention as well... n when u nd the attention n it isnt there, u feel so wiped out. so un-you. it sucks. its like u hafta compete to get the attention of the one u love.

dats wut is happening to me now. i wanna talk to dat person but the person isnt here. i nd to talk n just be us. you n me.. but nudged you before didnt work coz u were busy with ur own stuff i guess. the fact that u n me isnt in the same country maybe contributing towards that. haha.. such bitter laughter. m sooo missing u but u're not here. soon u n i will be very far. i cant stand it anymore. oh crap.. dis is the tym when i nd to pray n seek salvation from Allah. but i cant. i nd peace of mind. its better for me to feel nothing than tis evrytym dis happens. icant put on this facade anymore. m owez feeling inadequate.

i know when u nd me m owez here. i made sure i did that. but u are not here wheni nd you. i nd you!! m letting it go but i really nd u, love... i seriously nd to pray. for now i will pray in my heart dat i will let go of you, of my feelings towards u, towards our memories. i cant let u in n dat maybe why u cant be here with me ryte now. its my own fault really. haha.. again ironic. i cant let u in coompletely but i nd you in a way dat i cant bear... i nd you...

never in my life i have been this way but i want to be with you in such a desperate way that i scare myself sumtyms. i want to be able to let go when u nd to go, coz i know i am not as important as your family n friends but u owez come to me when u nd me. i know u're not psychic but i nd u to understand. my heart is breaking. i nd u to acknowledge that. never have i been this deeply hurt, so pls help me in understanding that i cant tell all to u esp now that i know ur stance in life. i know...

sigh~~~ so what if u're not here n me not there. we can still live like. its not like we are each other's air. but sometyms i do feel u r my air.. i cant function without u.

i know dat there are more important n worthwhile stuff out there for me to think. but i cant function well without u. u literally brighten my day. u are the only one that cn get me to smile wheni am in agony, even if i was in agony because of u. owh well... i need to prepare for the day when u nd to go, when u nd to leave me n when u nd to be you.. be the one you wanna be. get married n have a family of your own. i will too someday but i knw deep inside u'll still be the love of my life, the one who i would die for. the one that makes my life meaningful, my heart beats whenever u are here, near me. i can feel you even if u are in brunei n me in UK.

i know u wont get that this is u that i am talking about but i hope somehow u feel the same n dat by some miracle, u will approach me n get the truth out of me. i get tired of waiting for u sumtyms... i feel so down... pls be online all the tym n be wary of my presence... i'd do anything for you... u know dat ryte... even if u're not with me, i know dat i have a special place in your heart n u in mine...

last words from my broken heart to you is dat i am deeply n madly in love with u but u do not know n i guess never will. so i leave u with a heavy heart n hope dat i can treat u as no one special. i love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

no one shall know n no one will know... i nd salvation, always... craving for u to understand n be with me owez... i love u n i nd you. i hope that we will can work this out, so help me god if i cant be with u... but i will try n be with u owez...

adios~~~ sighing all the way....

my arse~~~

thursday 18th december 2008 1722hrs;

ok.. so i've been obssessing about my arse since ever ryte salnya tym aku pkai jeans aritu i saw myself in the mirror arah tangga n i discovered i dont have my usual junk back there. man!! i tot ada.. but apparently non-existent.

so wut i did was ask the guru of juburz n dat was simah. she said aku nada jubur tym atu. i did not feel puas ati n trus dpn mirror d bilik n stood on a desk n checked..

LO N BEHOLD!!!! my arse is still dere. i tot it was gone. but still dere. may not have a bootylicious arse like simah n kapjah but hehe.. still cute n still considered as a good arse.

so in summary... I HAVE AN ARSE!!! I DO!!! HAHA.. n im happy... deal with it!!!

adios~~~ starbucks m gonna go... n jalan2 to city...

i miss you....

thursday 0234hrs 18th dec 08;

i miss you deeply~~~ every instance of everyday, every smell that makes me think of you, every car that passes me by makes me think of you.. n plus, m homesick!! i wanna go home.. badly.. missing you doesnt mek it better... u dont know anything do you?! it doesnt matter, it cant happen anyways... m trying to ignore you eventhough u r owez on my arse about feelings and stuff.. wuteva~~~~

bh eyh.. mlasku lagi kn layan ko lah ah... i hope the holidays in birm will mend my heart. i hope playing with my nieces and spending tym with my sister will make me miss you even less. although i know dat isnt possible.. but i will try... try my best, i can put up a brave front n i will.

so, adieu... malaskn buat panjang2 lg.. m too fragile... just leave me be. let me wallow in my sadness n i'll try not to wait for u coz i now its fruitless. dis tym i noe for sure. so my friends, jantah tanya ah, as usual... mlsku gtau... n i never will tell...

adios!! till next tym... the holidays await...

aftermath~~~

tuesday... erm.. wednesday 0318hrs, 17th dec 08;

okeh so did my prez w simah. went oryte... except for the conclusion part lah... salnya i put in the wrong one... hmmm.. its my fault lah but other than that its ok lah.. we were supposed to discuss sal sweden but guess what?!! we discussed sal brunei plang.. haha.... adakah... but it was fun.. klw discussion punya hal, n sal brunei, aku layan.. haha.. seronok eyh...

so anyhoo, as a reward to us sal kmi siap buat prez, me n simah went to town n asda n argos. sal simah kn bli straightener. but sadly nda jd salnya salah code so blikkan.. but she will definitely buy another one lah...sayang wah klw nda... but yea... she is buying one nie.. it was a really fun day.. me n simah went out ryte after class n trus k bus station. it was fun. kmi k boots, cium perfume, k asda n argos.. ckit lg kmi kn k wagamama n k starbucks.. haha.. but bek jua nda, tahan dlu nafsu atu.. haha... but we went out smpai kadai tutup.. it was fun.. that was gd! to release stress ryte after the prez.. hehe... i wanna do that again... nantilah plan2...

and so.. as usual, i m gonna sleep akhir salnya td i just finished my essay sal japan. dat was d fastest i had dine an essay. aroound 2000 words in two days... haha.. hardcore bnr.. but ani siap udah so i feel oryte.. haha.. even i danced with simah td arah grace n yanee.. kn dance arah deena tp kmi takut ia blajar.. haha... fun!! seronk siap kaja ani...

okeh n soooo...... my weight ani nda tia turun bnr.. oh well, m not gonna pikirkan sal atu lah.. aku kn buat kaja n nanti d birm aku bediet lg lah.. apa2 ajer lah... janji aku sehat.. haha...

okeh.. wanna go sleep n dream about that person (jgn tanya sapa salnya aku nda mau gtau sampai bila2!!) n dream dat i'm back in brunei n jumpa bapa n zaki. hmmm.... f only... i love my family.... i love that person with all my heart n soul jua... but loving both at he same tym is realising that the love are two whole diff thing...

okeh.. toolate in d nyte to be dat deep so im gonna sleep n leave it at dat....

adios... remember, even if no one tells u u r beautiful, somewhere deep inside the depths of this world, u are loved and dat for someone, u r beautiful. for someone, u r d most baik person. for someone, u r d most radiant. for someone, u r the most fragrant. for someone, u r d world. for someone, u r perfect. for someone, ur everything!!! dat person is my everything... if it shows, i dont care... i love you with all my being, my soul, my heart... i'll go to the ends of the earth for u...

bh eyh.. kn tidurku.. dont be alarmed.. m a hopeless romantic, so m kinda too intense... haha.. what can i saymost cooks are!!

nyte ppl... assalamualaikum...

my first presentation in kent~~

okeh, its thursday, 1014 hrs, 11th Dec 08;

krg aku present sama simah... thump thump... dont worry, dat's just my heart skippin a beat when i think about d presentation.. thump thump... argh takut saya eh.. hopefully all goes well... haha...

bh saja kn luahkan atu, be seeing u later... adios...

will update udah lapas...

bla bla bla essay~~

its 8th dec 2008, monday, 0458hrs;

so... guess wut im doing? buat essay... banciku eh... i noe... iatah nda buat awal2.. ani k london tah plang... astah... so anyhoo... yesterday erm..tadi??? aidiladha... so kmi smbyg magrib n isya, betahlil n takbir.. tym raya fitri aritu d kak may ndaku sedih sangat tp td i cried. no one saw but it was quite labat jua. i miss home badly!! skyped with them but not enuff.. wanna go home n paluk each one of them. really really wanting to cz m so stressed out man!! i wanna just drop my course n be free. be free to do anything. take up a cooking course or just la around d rumah in kiarong. i'll be oh so happy!!! oh well....

so lapas smbyg td i was feeling kinda down coz i miss bapa wah. but it was ok after i talked with the gals. it was fun. then we met the French gal yg Islam sama class d IR. her name's mariam. nice gal. very friendly. n she's 19. man! i was used to being the youngest in any groups but m one of the tua ppl here in uni. haha... tp bdn petite. becali...

malasku buat essay eh.. ngantookx lg ne... capi2 eh... owh.. just rememberd... kwn GG ada post jamming session drg. arah studionya!! wc happens to be my bilik! el stupido... islam dh bilikku atu eh. ani kapir tia! capie2. sasaku eh. ani terpaksaku mengislamkan balik nie. haha...

so anyhoo, m feeling satisfied pasalnya i know today that i am loved. i realised that like truly tym td msa smbyg atu. me n d housemates were talking n we were generally surrounded by this general feeling of peace n calmness. like we've accomplished something. we triumphed. we were celebrating a holy event. i love it. so as i was saying, i felt n know dat i am loved. when u say? when everything starts happening... when people smiled at me, when people touch me in an affectionate way, when people laughed at joke sthat i made, when simah cubit pipiku td coz apparently aku comel (huh? rupanya muaku cam tepuruk dlm tudung n telakungku, haha...), when kami smua besalam sma urg n some of dem cium pipi. i feel love. doesnt necessarily shown explicitly but the feeling is nice, no?

so i say, to hell with wht people think. i will smile at people. i will make people feel better. i will make me feel better! so adios n till i write again. whoever is reading this, know dat ppl love u for who u are, regardless of how u look, regardless of how u walk, talk or carry urself. be nice n ppl will be nice to u... dont be cranky!! eh nalehku udah eh.. kn tidur n sambung buat kaja eh..

bye n selamat hari raya!

assamualaikum!

went to london again!!!!

its 0356hrs in kent, sunday, 7th december 2008;

still up, still worried about my essay. hectic week!! rollercoaster emotions!! m pms-ing n ada bnyk assignments! crap!

n so the legacy continues, doing my work when it is nearly due. astah.. i nd to be more rajin.. kn buat new yr resolutionku eh.. haha... anyhoo, i went to london yesterday. blik dr london kul 8lalu. msuk trus rumah, greet the gals d rmh who are apparently doing work d kitchen. showed off my new coat! love it btw!! hugged&kissed simah n trus mandi.

so start at the beginning... woke up at 620ish in the morn, mandi n ate mie goreng. haha.. healthy?! not!!! kolled for a taxi the nyte b4 to pik me up kul 730 n true enuff, ada tia dtg.. haha.. i like the service here... sajuk bnr eh td ah... it was freezing cold! n sort off ada kabus jua n stuff.. haha... sajuk...

so i went on the train kul8am n yea.. aku nda pkai tudung. coz apparently ada Mumbai terrorists n my friends here ingau (look @ simah n deena... nadawah.. love u guys!!) so aku nda pkai tudung. i wore a pashmina tho.. haha... so arrived arah euston coz kapjah kn mau go dr sna. n the 1st thing that she said to me was wow, u have lost a lot of weight. n i was like finally!! if she sed it den it must be true! haha... n she said again n i feel like seriously kambang about dis... u've gotten small.. teehee.... haha... n den raihan dtg. (my cuzzy)... she sed aku mkin kurus... teehee again! haha... so tried on the coat that kapjah bought for me. lawa, puffy at the bek n lady-like... wow!! tp small arah d tgn.. i managed to lose some weight except for the tgn. haha... so we returned it i got a belted one instead.. i love it.. it makes me look even kurus-er... haha... lawa lah brabis... aku suka... with the ryte boots, i will be happy!!

so we went all over london. cant remember wer tho. salnya kmi go from one street to another.. ngaleh eh. but kapj was wearing ugg boots. not the comfy ones though mind u! it was a kitten heel one! n we jalan from morning till 6pm kali ah!! sakit tu eh...

it was fun.. kapjah bought me a coat, a Longchamp Lepliage design bag n food!! glorious food! yummy.. sushi at bento box, sushi at wasabi's... nyaman eh.... aku suka...cupcakes at buttercup's @ westfield! wow!!! best cupcake ever! red velvet!! yum~~~~

haha... m like so totally ngaleh.. westfield was large... siok brabis lah! we went to all d branded stores... haha.. dats kapj n raihan's turf.. i dunno anything about branded stuff... m a simple gal.. haha... otw to all the posh street, bnyk wah krita lawa. bentley's (convertible.. my fav!), lexus (simah fav SUV car), mercs, bmws... seriously!! kaya eh urg sna ah...

owh n kmi kuar dr fendi ada tia urg minta sedakah.. haha.... not funny! i feel bad lg... oh weell....apparently if u give them once then u will be a target. so we jala sja...

subway!! bought 3 foot longs! 2 meatball marinara n one steak n cheese.. nyaman~~~ we ate it last nyte... d gals like it... so officially every ubd gals like subway!! yaaay!!! nanti ada dgn kn k subway... haha... so kapj ate briyani atu.. n it was yummy!! owh n the fact that i diidnt finish my nasi before at bento box made kapj tekajutz.. haha... n even sharing with her we cant finish the nasi... bnyk wah ia bg... hehe...

so went bek home, feeling eager coz i wanna shower n be comfortable n do my work n plus i miss simah.. wink wink... haha.... bnyk kali ah assignmnts! so i've settled down.. buat kaja from midnyte till kul 1 lalu... got 500+words den i slept... woke up at 235am n smbyg isya'.. i know i know.. its late but i smbyg kn... n pintu kaabah buka so i prayed... i feel calm-ish now.. got my mojo to do my work n so....adios... aku kn buat kaja....

wanna go to london tym boxing day eh.. any takers?!! haha... cuti kali ah dh tym atu.. haha... i feel content being here in my 2nd home, kent! but its f-ing cold!! getting used to it but no heater?! seriously... bh eh.. ngaleh.. adios amigas n amigos... till next tym...

p/s: ignore my posts that are very disturbing.... m normal person. i dont wanna delete the previous posts salnya nda th ku ingat... so bear with me okeh... c ya!!!

assalamualaikum....siged out at 0423hrs....yawn~~~~ ooops..... buat kaja eh!!!!

crap~~~

december 3rd 2008, wednesday, 1720 hrs.

crap! crap! crap! ARGH!!! i hate politics, i hate life here. wanna go home...

n den dis happens... argh!! sasakku eyh!! antah eyh. ya Allah jauhkan rasa cemani ani... i dont wanna feel this way any more... pls release me!!

gonna shoo you outta my life, go shoo the memories that you've made with me.. gonna treat u as no one special, even when the reality is that ur the closest to my heart...

bloody hell!! m outta here!! gotta do my politics crappy crap...

signing out.. wuteva!!