i'm sad...

thursday 29th jan 2009 1232hrs;



m here infront of Shaeyna, willing my feelings of sadness away coz i dont wanna be sad during my very busy week... bnyk prez kali ah.. n notes to do n lectures to catch up on...



but i cant will away the feeling that kapj is struggling... she's alone now in birm salnya dina has gone back to Brunei n now kapj tgl sorang2 wif the kids. m here in kent coz i have classes n stuff.. plus birm is jauh kali ah.. i use two coaches to g to birm.. all in all, dlm under 6 hrs ku k birm.. so actually i would love to drop everything n just dgnkn kapj but i cant.. coz i have responsibilities n obligations as a student here... astah... m torn... i wanna study bnr2 since ani last semester n plus my kraja betimbun... but i still feel sad for kapj... cian ia sorang2... i wish i can just teleport back n forth or i can just drop school n stay wif kapj... owh well, such is life... not one good break when crunch tym comes... v.pessimistic is what i feel now.. ntah ah...



also, since kawaii blik udh, m still trying to adjust my life back here in kent... coz i cant just adapt trus2 jadi student when all the while she was here aku jd cam tourist cam ia... it is as if the feeling was that i was on hliday with her... i miss her...

btw, it is sunday now, 1sst feb 1125hrs... i got stuff to do so i didnt update as much... so yea~~~

for now, i am satisfied with the thought that kapjah said she was alright... she said so. she insisted that she's okay..

so i am happy for now... but i will visit her asap next wk... i cant wait...

okay ppl, will update soon... about gd things i hope...

gymz revised~~~

thursday 1048hrs 22nd jan 2009;

had a gd nyte's sleep n ani aku bru bngun... reread my previous post n i found myself to be really kasar... but i was angry last nyte.. still am actually... n still not ready to have to do anything with fiz... but i feel more calm now... kaka boll is an understanding person... she'll understand... i just have to explain it to her...

i know i might scare some ppl away with my previous post but really, other tyms i'm a reasonable person. felt like i wanted to delete the whole post last nyte coz i find it silly now but now i am gonna let it be... why u say?? so i can reflect on it n remember how i felt last nyte... how betrayed i felt... and i will leave the post as it is, kasar enuff ss it is... just so i can remind myself not to be so trusting...

so, i fell somewhat calm-ish after bngun... but not ready to forgive... maybe in the future... wee'll see... yup, we'll see... let me be~~~

adios ppl... jantah tanya ah... i dont wanna be rude, but i wanna keep this whole story to myself... yg posted atu sja yg u know... okeh.. babai....

just be strong~~~

thursday 0234hrs 22nd jan 2009;



yes yes i know its late... i dnt care... lately aku cam night owl nie... awal bngun n den ahir tidur... takutku ada panda eyes...



okeh... blogging tym, n knowing me, i am an emotional blogger... so i write what i feel like at the moment... so excuse me...



chatted with fizah td... lets just say, me n her had a falling out coz of what she did... lets just say, what she did is not what true friends do to each other... what did she do u say?? she wasnt a gd friend... that's what she did...



all this while, i was close to her n stuff, i told my secrets n she told hers... give n take... got it... secrets safe but my secrets werent... stupid woman just told kaka boll yg aku pernah jatuh cinta arah urg yg ada punya... stupid stupid... sorry for the swearing... aku nda suka ia tym ani.. she's not my friend anymore... maybe i'll ubah my fikiran but for now i banish her...



so kaka boll confronted me td... ia ada ntar email arah ku.. nya how could you... u knew my story n yet u do this arah urg lain... u know how i felt like msa my story happened... n yet ko buat jua cni... n i warn u never ever do that... but u are doing what that woman did to me jua... why?!!! argh.. fizah ah!!! m so pissed at her ryte now... it's one thing that she told sum1 but to tell kaka boll about it is just so WRONG!!! she's been through it n fizah told her anyway... if fizah ada dpnku tym ani, i would just pusing my back to her.. that's a sign that i banish her outta my life... turning my back to sum1 means dat i cant accept her in my life... so yea i pusing my back to her... permanently i think...



banci saya eyh... n she had the guts to say yg ia sorry, doesnt mean it n dat she doesnt want to lose me as a friend/sister... i told her she just lost me... as anything... i said anggap aku ani nada apa2 sma ko.. we have no history, we r no longer friends... too much u say?? dont say that.. she knows me better than this... she knows never to tell.. n yet she did... argh stupid!! marah tia ka boll nie... abisku eyh... shit!!! of all ppl, ka boll fizah? how could u? do u hate me that much? i dunno if i can forgive u now... if ever..



you dunno when another might need you,

you dunno if one depends on you,

you never knew how one really feels towards you,

you never know when you need another,

you never know when hurt can overcome,

so be strong,

be strong,

be strong....



my current friends: i am not a harsh person n u guys know dat... for this one thing, i ask u to excuse me... i dont plan on feeling this way.. i never buang my friends.. i appreciate them... i appreciate you.. but this betrayal i cant take... to morrow ia another day to get through... tomorrow i will put on a brave front n just smile eventhough i feel like i want to talangkn everything inside... tomorrow i will not feel better so excuse me ah kent friends... might not be in a gd mood tomorrow... or i might seem like im okay but believe me im not...



this betrayal i cant take... me n fizah have been friends since ever... she's my sister... she's my compadre... she's my bestfriend... of all ppl fizzy??? kaka boll... u know she'll kill me.. u kno her story jua kn?? stupid thing u did n d consequence is dat u just lost me n i never will come back... not saying sorry to u, but i need to get away... i am so pissed off!!



the thing i am thinking ryte now is that to give you ppl out there who have betrayed their friends in any way an advice...: so you lost a friend... n u think dat u lost them coz of a tiny thing u did... maybe its not tiny to them... have u ever thought of that? have u ever thought that the reason u lost them is because u made them leave?? YOU MADE THEM LEAVE... your acts made them leave you n made them find solace somewhere else... so ppl, if ever u feel that ada friends that u have lost.. think!!! maybe it isnt them.. n maybe it isnt other ppl's fault.. but maybe IT IS YOU!!!! think about it... maybe it is because you appear to not care made them leave you... u are who u are.. ppl just discovered that is who u really are... (sum1 told me dat, n i think dat is really true... malay translation?? harimau dh nampak belang lah!!!)



so have a think... why have you been renggang with that person? why have you been not in touch with them?? maybe it's you... you cant blame them for leaving you.... maybe they NEED to leave you coz they are better suited elsewhere... maybe they left you coz they feel better elsewhere...



to ppl who read this, i am sorry for being pessimistic... i am not in an optimistic mental state now... i am not sorry howeever to u fiz... this is unforgiven!!!



this post is not meant to hurt anybody except fiz... i know i sound really harsh but i cant take this act of selfishness... i cant.. not while i am in a not-so-gd mood.... not while i am still thinking about sam... argh... i am gonna kill you!!! damnit!!! fiz, u'll be happy to know i am crying while writin this... remember how i cried tym anis punya bapa bawa anis migrate? i am crying more than that... my tuala is basah now n my fav bantal basah... u did this... u know kaka boll's punya opinion n respect n advice means a lot to me... how could you...



on another diff note: simah damam tym ani... cian eyh... but simah is a strong woman.. she can take care of herself n others at the same tym.. she can pikul other ppl's burden while still shouldering hers.. so i salute u leng... get better soon so i dont worry of your pale complexion... her being damam makes me think of when enoi damam n lamah.. i bring her food to eat n drinks... enoi let me take care of her bt simah is stronger n she takes care of herself... n gatal hatiku kn jaga simah cam aku jaga enoi but simah wont let me... so... i'll settle for asking how she feels evry tym i see her first thing in the morning... get well soon ah geng.. eyh.. oops... leng.. no worries, u're still my daleng... :P



p/s: so mixed emotions... in summary, m angry at fiz. cian simah. missing enoi. hating fiz. missing sam. hating sam. loving sam sal ia understand i need my space now n ia nda contact. i know u worry now sam but m okay.. remember what i owez say?? i am a self-sufficient woman... so just continue not contacting me eventhough it kills you... my blog cn be your go-to place when u think of me... it's okay... i wouldnt forbid u to read... just dont say anything.. let me just be honest. being honest now?? i miss you... talking to grace td sal febreeze spray made me think of you n sumhow i miss you terribly eventhough these last few days i am able to ignore dese feelings... but td atu bnr2 i thought of you... so i cried... but m fyne now... just sad it got this way... wish it was different... why now i miss you , u ask? coz ingat u use the orange febreeze fabric spray to harumkn c bomb? i have a febreeze pink... so dis is my weak moment... willl get over it soon, i hope... continue::::: conclusion?? miss family, enoi, SAM n several others... sorry to kaka boll... its okay i wont do it again... i dont plan on taking sam anytym soon...

i wish all ppl to just have a think... think before you talk... consequences ppl!!! remember...
i wish all the sick ppl to be better, insyaAllah sabar n Allah will cure you...
i wish n pray that Brunei will be okay n no more banjir n no more casualties... inalillah to teh ones that have gone before us... Allah love them more...
i wish i can a chance in loving someone who loves me back while at the same tym it isnt wrong to love each other...
i wish SIMAH to be better...
gd nyte ppl n assalamualaikum... may Allah bless you...
stop Gaza tragedies!!!

start of the term~~~

tuesday 20th january 2009 2313hrs;

it's the 2nd day of term n yet it feels as if it is nearing exam term... why u say?? it has been really quiet around the house lately, what with everybody feeling stressed out after the holidays knowing that this semester is nearing our exam term... nda batah lg wah... like seriously... so our rumah yg andangnya bising dr dulu isnt our bising home anymore... i kinda dont like it... okeh okeh... i'll be honest... i hate it.. i dont hate it hate it.. but i dont like it either... i want to be able to just pop in ppl punya bilik whenever n just sit n talk but since semua urg ttp pintu n blajar n diam, i feel kinda like kacau so i dont hangout anymore... i feel sad eyh... coz nowadays it brings me back to Earth when i know that this is the real world. i asked for me to be here n now i am, so i have to deal with it.. i may not like it that much but i will definitely have to put up with it.. however, i feel like i'm back in Tahfiz now... back in Tahfiz i was miserable. i wasnt a good student, wasnt a good teacher, wasnt a good haafizoh n generally wasnt a good person... everything was going wrong for me there.. i realise dat i am not one to be forced to do anything... if i dont like it, it usually was clearly seen on my face expression... now dat i am older, i learn to tapis my features n just generally be more aware of what everyone is thinking n then maybe choose to let my feelings show or not.. whichever is good at that tym...

in Tahfiz i found that i dont really know myself well.. i know dat i was a person who was confused... a person who was torn... a person who was feeling abandoned not knowing how to deal with it... it was a hard tym but somehow i have become a better person in STPRI... in STPRI i became me... i realized who i was as a person... who i am to other ppl... how i affect ppl... how i am kinda a part of somone's life... i realise then what the meaning of a real friend... so kudos for my girlfriends: Kamilah, Jamiiad, Faats n Jihah!!! i really love u guys!!! we have always been honest with each other n we dont judge each other n we genuinely are ikhlas with each other... until now even when tani jauh w each other... you guys are the first girlfriends i have ever had n i thank u for it.. i know u guys have contributed greatly with me being who i am now... i miss u guys terribly... n i wish for everyone else that they will have friends like u guys... my sistahs from a different mother!!! n father too!!! hehe lame....

so i have evolved... i know who i am now... ppl might not know who i am inside really n i hope ppl just see the best things in me because i genuinely feel that i have 2 better myself so i cn really be honest n ikhlas with ppl... my new year's resolution is to just be a better everything n i hope i can control my temper n my mood coz i dont like staying mad at someone n then have to pretend that i still am okay with that person... i just dunno how to deal with it... i hate being a two-faced person... i just want to be able to just be a person who is always able to be honest n speak my mind without caring what other ppl think but i generally am a person who is just a deep thinker n sometyms if a thing that made me feel so angry or upset will sit with me for a long tym, i feel that it is just wasting my energy n tym... i just cant be bothered... i have better things to do...

i am currently trying to ignore the feelings i have inside that has me torn... i am able to let it go a lil bit... but now with the house being quiet n all, it kinda creeps in a bit.. i dont like it.. i really wanna let go.. it just kills me dat i know i can do it but it takes tym... i will triumph... that will be my mantra...

guess what i have been tinking lately?? that i know i am nearing the end of my sadness n i dunno if it is too soon to celebrate or just that celebrating is wrong... i dunno... i feel that my sadness is ending but at the same tym, i know i am not completely over it... okeh, i just answered my own qn... i realized just now dat i am not completely over it... but i am better... i do not cry every day now... i dont remember "the thing" too often anymore... i am able to not be jealous, although at tyms i find myself wanting to be with you but i know i cant let myself... n so i am continuing my cold turkey system of avoiding u n just be me... i need to study... i know i hurt whenever i see or knw u are with sumbody else n dat other ppl feel like they want u for themselves because they knew u first... it hurts... i might be ok with it on the surface but i am crying inside... things will never be the same again...

what i know is dat: i now have really the bestest friends anyone can ever hope for... my girlfriends [Milah, Jambooze, Hateem n Chombi]; my girls {Simah, Yanie, Grace, Nyssa, Deena}; my sisters (Ka PJ Booteyhlicious, Kawaii Rockstar, Enoi Sung Min)... i love u guys coz i know i can turn to u with my probs n provide me somehow or the other with advise or a simple nod of understanding... without u guys i will not be the same person i am now... so i thank u...

i cried for the past few days now, coz i have been stressed out coz i feel like i am adjusting myself back to being in Kent coz before this i was with family... i get homesick easily now n i try to not show it to other ppl but i know that it shows sumtyms... but i deny it coz i know ppl have probs too so i can deal with dis on my own... i know my limits so i will say if i cant tahan it... on monday, when i got bek from klas, i locked my door to my room n just sit on the floor, breathless... i had a panic attack... my body was cold all over, i was sweating, i was shaking... i frightened myself... i thought i was gonna have a seizure or sumthing... but i talked myself into not worrying anybody n just relax.. after a few mins, i was okay again... but again i found myself crying... my neck was literally basah from the tears that i didnt know i had shed... i dunno wut happened then... i was just sitting there not thinking but at the same tym thinking about everything... but i guess i was shocked to be back in Kent... cam the very first tym aku smpai cni... i wanna go home... even when simah katuk pintuku i wasnt able to buka coz i know i cant open the door yet... i was a mess... i cant open the door n look like hell... so sorry leng... aku nda buka...

my new yr's resolutions are vast... mostly be a better person... a better student n all that jazz... but in my heart of hearts, i prayed to Allah profusely to jauhkan that feelings for somebody coz i know it is just a no-no... a big no-no at that... so far Allah answered my prayers coz it is bekurang... i dont feel as jealous as i was... i dont feel the need to be as obvious as i was coz "the thing" is my territory... but occasionally i feel pangs of it but Allah saja tau cana seksanya i feel whenever i feel jealous n stuff... little things man!!! ntah lah... breathe in n out... i will trumph...

adios ppl, jaga hati orang ah, jan ckp bnyk so u dont offend ppl, so i grab this opportunity to say sorry to all who read this blog n the older posts.... if i hurt u in some way i'm sorry... i dont mean it at all... maybe i meant it then but i dont now... before u say anything, think first... if someone hurt u, tell them, let them know.. remember to sembahyang... solat, zikir... last2 Allah tmpat kmu cari n pergi n kembali... so try to be a good Muslim n sempurnakan smbhyg 5 waktu atu... i will definitely try my best to follow my own advice...

assalmaualaikum.... may Allah bless u, forgive all your sins, your family be wealthy, your family having the best health states of all, umur panjang n penuh dgn iman... if ada conflict, solat... if hati tak tenang, solat... if ada rasa yg tak patut ada, solat... insyaAllah Allah ndakn abandon u like anybody that had... be patient n Allah will forsake you... i learn to berserah... n it is fruitful... so surrender all ur being n soul n heart only to Allah... may Allah bless u through n through n a happy life... iilla antoom asrarulkabeer.... AMIN~~~ berdoalah!!!

wut???

thursday 15th january 2009 0046hrs;

its GG's bday today.. cian eyh... me n kapjah are here n him there... n kawai lg kn blayar krg.. cian jua iatu salnya cam nada urg celebrate bday GG.. nanti m gonna buy him sumthing lah... cian jua ia...

krg m gonna go to kent.. yaay!!! m gonna see my room n usai my stuff sna... but off to london n den PARIS!!! with kawai, kapjah n SyaShen... m off to paris for the weekend.. kn menyampati kawai tym cni jua kn.. n den kn k disneyland n eiffel tower... syok nie...

i cant wait really...

n so, ntah ah.. atu sja kn direport... been fun cni with d girls but feel dat the masa isnt enuff... boreng eyh.. off to kent n den blajr... owh well.. mls lh sya... adios~~~

my grade...

tuesday 13th january 2009 2215hrs;

last nyte we had the "talk" that we owe each other... my story n grace's story dat is... so, last nyte i know foor sure i did the ryte thing by letting him go... by convincing grace of the thing to do, i convinced myself... and so i know that i did the right thing...

saying no is really hard when you know that you're letting go of the one thatt you love... but i know for a fact that what i am doing is ryte... i know that in the long run, i am doing the ryte thing... what i am doing is that i will be better off in the future.. i know that what i do now will affect what will happen to me in the future... i know that i will be happy in the near future if i feel unhappy now... if u know wut i mean...

my life is better now i think... my conscience is clear... my thoughts are marbled with the guilt i feel because i am letting go... my heart filled with sorrow because i really dont want to let go... but the thing is, loyalty n trust is the most important thing in any relationship... be it in your love life or friendship or family... u know that u can truly be at ease with someone when u know that u can trust them n that u know that they are loyal... nda jaaaaa????? jaaaaaa~~~~~~~

and so, the last few days, i have been hapy coz my girls are here in birm with me easing me out of my sorrow... with them i am happy, n when i am happy, my life seems less ccomplicated coz i know that i can cope when i am happy without him... i know i can do this.. i know i can n so i will... i know i will be happy...

cam salah my post ani.. moving on to a more relevant topic, last nyte i saw my grade, my east asian essay grade that i finished in one nyte... i know.. a freaking 2000 words in one nyte... n so.. predictably, my marks was 51 out of 100... hmmm~~~~ ntah ah... but overall, my average course mark is 58 plg... but seriously i need to read more n really work hard... i have to!!! i know i can do this... sometyms i think maybe i am not meant to be here in Kent coz actually i wasnt the chosen two that were to go to kent... but aku atu majal jua kn k mari coz i know that i deserve it coz my overall was a B. ntah ah.. cam nyasal jua ku cni ani.. i miss home, fell inlove more than once n created probs for me... why do i do this to myself?? ntah lah.. but for now, i am thinking only that i will definitely be working hard for next semester, kurangkan berjoli n stuff... i will try.. but i know i can..

note to self; blajar tah... okeh nyte nyte ppl, gonna mkn soto ka pjah lg.. wahahaha.. nyaman eyh...

adios peeps...

urgh... again n again~~~

10th jan 2009 saturday 2053hrs;

many things happened last nyte which i will not say coz its not worth saying... i've been trying to put it all past me but now it's coming back... m definitely on the Y road... to go one way or to go another way... i dunno... but for now while m trying to ignore it, i cant help but wonder what if... but made up my mind n i dont wanna go to that road anymore... m done... m on my way to my liberty... to be truly me...

n so, i will really be me when i finally take control over my life... step one: say no, even to the things that i really want in life... gd things may come with a guilty conscience... and so say no!!

step two: be strong and follow through with step one... n the rest will unravel itself...

on another note: deena n greyz is coming 2mrw!!! hehe.. yeay!!!! saya suka lah... i will be happy starting 2mrw... hehe.. i really cant wait!!! we're gonna go n have a really gd tym n den gonna go to kent... hmmm... den.. den...... simah is gonna come to birm on monday!! yeay again!!

tp skajap sja drg d birm... bowengz.... den i'll again go to paris... n kawai will behere... cant wait eyh...

man!!! m tired of being on this roller-coaster ride of emotions... its hard feeling this way... i salute those who have happy lives with their loved ones, happy with themselves n generally happy... i will someday achieve dat... insyaAllah.. pray for me...

adios... cant wait for my girls to be here...

me likey dis song~~~

Lyrics

you make it real lyrics...

friday 9th jan 2009 2041hrs;

so dese are the lyrics to the song by James Morrison "YoU MaKe It rEaL F0R Me". this is the song dat i want to apalkan coz i feel dat it really has a deep meaning... meaning dat is very significant for me... but contrary with what the song suggests, he made it real for me... he made it too real for me dat i dont wanna consider it to be real, dat i have to decline it n avoid him... but however, i'm moving on.. not through yet but still in d process so bear with me... i will have my ups n downs... i feel for one of my best buddies yg she is really happy now coz she's over with "the stuff"... i wish her well n frankly m jealous... i wanna be dat happy.. but i know it will eventually come to me... and so... still loving dis song... n u know who u r... congrats leng... i wish u well n i hope it will last forever... luv ya... *hugz*

JAMES MORRISON'S "YOU MAKE IT REAL FOR ME":

Mmmmm

There's so much craziness, surrounding me

There's so much going on, it gets hard to breathe

When all my faith has gone, you bring it back to me

You make it real for me

When I'm not sure of, my priorities

When I've lost site of, where I'm meant to be

Like holy water, washing over me

You make it real for me

And I'm running to you baby

You are the only one who saved me

That's why I've been missing you lately

Cause you make it real for me

When my head is strong, but my heart is weak

I'm full of arrogance, and uncertainty

But I can find the words, you teach my heart to speak

You make it real for meee, yeaaa

And I'm running to you baby

Cause you are the only one who saved me

That's whyyy I've been missing you lately

Cause you make it real for me Ohhh

Everybody's talking in words I don't understand

You got to be the only one Who knows just who I am

You're shining in the distance I hope I can make it through

Cause the only place That I want to be Is right back home with you

I guess there's so much more I have to learn

But if you're here with me I know which way to turn

You always give me somewhere, Somewhere I can learn

You make it real for me

And I'm running to you baby

Cause you are the only one who saved me

That's why I've been missing you lately

Cause you make it real for me

You make it real for me

i hope in all goodness dat i will truly be happy, be content with my life, without cravings to be loved by someone whose love i cannot possess... enenthough i badly wanted to, or still want to... and so the healing will begin... wish me luck coz i need all the luck i can get...

adios... n i'll write again in here frankly insyaAllah...

being dere for u...

wednesday 7th jan 09 2346hrs;

just got back from this restaurant called 'festival balti'... yups, another indian restaurant... d birm.. abg mori treated us to dinner.. nyumm... nyaman.. i ordered lamb tikka masala... nyaman eyh.. tp ntah ah... cam bnyk ku mkn td atu eyh.. napa th ku mkn bnyk ani... cam abis wah mknan ku td ah.. i felt gd td tym mkn luar ah.. we had fun... the atmosphere in the restaurant was easy n harmonious... but in the middle of dinner td, tym we joke around atu, i felt a pang of a feeling dat i cant explain.. i dunno how to explain it... cam aada urg sabut2 my name but i dunno sapa... not a spooky kinda feeling but i felt cam ada urg thinking about me wah... it was like kul 10pm td... n trus after dat i got worried... i wondered who it was... buut maybe it was me... ntah ah.... moving on...

so anyways, i feel like i've been abandoned nowadays.. ntah napa ah... salnya everytym i put myself out there n feel affectionate about sum1, n i showed it, sometyms they just run away or just make a joke out of the situation as if what i think wasnt important... that as if whatever i have to say is not worthy of their ears... when i hug a person, i feel for them... when sum1's happy, m happy for them... i care for those who i love... i just hope that they know dat i love them n i wish dat they will not turn away from me when i offer my empathy... i understnd.. i always do... i wont judge... i know the feeling of being judged... dont shrink away from me... let it all on me... i will try n understand your problem n i will try my damnest to comfort u... sometyms u have to just let go n be weak... just for once so i can comfort u... i dont mind... i will receive it with open arms... i receive u with my heart n mind open, n i will comfort u... let me comfort u...

so my dear friends, i am who i am.... u say what u wanna say to me n i will try n understand it... u will owez have my friendship.. i wont judge u... seriously if u tell me ur gay or u killed someone i wont judge... u will still be my friend... be reasonable.. nobody can be that strong.. just so u know, m here for u all the tym ah... dont ever forget that... love all around...

i feel sad...

wednesday 7th jan 09 1821hrs;

okeh so m in birm now without the girls... n somehow i feel so sad on top of being sad initially salnya m not with the girls... m feeling kinda down so bad dat i feel like crying all the tym...

i guess being with the girls atu i had fun n so no room to be sad coz m too busy having fun with the girls... n i was not sad when m with them.. like really... i went to sleep happy n woke up happy... but here in birm im lost... i never like to be dependent on anything n anyone... but i guess m kinda dependent with my fellow companions in UK... n so m kinda feeling lost n wanting to go n just see my girls... i miss dem...

i will keep myself busy now coz i feel really down... i need to just be happy.. i keep telling myself dat but m kinda not hearing myself ryte... m still waiting for my heart to just comply... for now it doesnot want to... so m gonna settle for it compromising... in my heart of hearts i wanna just reverse tym n just erase wuteva happened or wut didnt happen with me n him, but i cant... i wish i can so i dont feel dis way... on most days i can just ignore dese feeelings but now im having withdrawal symptoms... m at my weak point now...

im at battle with myself on whether i should just take the chance with you but i know dat is impossible n i wouldnt do it because i know dat my heart wouldnt take it.. its just not me if i do dat.. i would never ever do that... ever!! i have to stress dat out... i cant.. n yet in your case it is like the forbidden fruit... if i avoid it, it beckons... if i eat it, m gone... i dunno... i dunno how to handle this... if im not careful i will then fall... i might give in... but then again i have faith in myself that i will follow through... n i know i will... i have to...

in an ideal world, i will be with u n no one else... u will have nobody but me n me likewise... there will no one else in this world except us.. our own little world... i dunno wut to do... i know it isnt real.. but i know dat wut i feel for u are real.. i dunno if u are... anyways, i'm letting it go.. m letting u go... i can do dis... i can talk myself out of missing u n stuff... i just hope dat Allah will give me the opportunity to have someone that will eventually erase all thedrama in my life n give me a lot of love....

ppl say dat it is better if u stay with a person who loves u more than u love them... i for one agree... if u're with a person who doesnt love u as much as u love dem, then u will have the risk of u being hurt cos u trust dat person sso much dat u will do anything for dat person but that person may not feel tha same n den u end up getting hurt... i know i'm better off being with someone who loves me more than i love them...

i keep on falling for ppl who doesnt deserve my love n i know it... i deserve better n i hope that i dont get these kindss of feelings anymore... i wish sometyms dat i dont fall in love easily cos i know i will get hurt.. i need to focus on me ryte now... i need to cooperate with wut i have always thought i would be.. a self-sufficient woman..

i know the phrase self-sufficient woman is somewhat feminist-like... but i know that i need to rely on me n nobody else... i wanna be the peson who is owez gathered n not be weak... i wanna be strong... i wanna be the person who will definitely be the shooulder to cry on not search for other shoulders to cry on...

and so let it be known to everybody that today is one of my worse days ever... today, I MISS YOU n i nearly gave in... today, i miss myself coz m sad n i miss the joyful happy me... today, i feel worthless, today, i am not me...

today... i hate today.... i'm searching for something dat i know no one can provide except you... n i cant tell all.. icant tell anybody.. no one would understand.. let me keep the rest of these feelings inside... i dont wanna tell all...

my heart is aching n i dont think i can mend it... m alone... i dont have the capacity to mend this broken heart.. its falling into pieces n i dunno if i can even... sigh~~~

i dunno eyh.. m hopeless... n i have a feeling it will last longer these feeling of hopelessness...

somebody pls help...

out~~~ done... m done... 1915hrs..

boring eyh...

tuesday 6th jan 2009 1231 hrs;

just got back to Birm td kul 3lalu.. went trus to primark cos kapjah d sna n nada urg d rumah... so aku rush k primark, den blik k rumah.. fixed myself a lil snack n liat tv.. trus online jua lah.... mcm aku trus mencari the girls.. n thank god ada c simah so rinduku turun ckit lah... aku rinduuuu durang.... i wanna hangout n relax with the girls... argh...

boring eyh nada d girls ah... m like totally sunyi n stuff... not fun.. not fun at all!!! aku mau sama d girls... baik jua ada drg tym d birm ani eyh... so we gonna have fun nanti... i hope we will have a really2 good tym like we had d cardiff... i wanna go main DDR with simah, wanna go bowling with the girls, wanna be generally having fun...

so far, insyaAllah aku kn cari tmpt bowling, tmpt ice-skating klw ada, arcade, movies maybe... ntah ah.. we will see nanti... aku takut aku nda tau jalan wah.. bullring guarantee!!! ahhh.. nda sabar eyh... i wanna go n meet them udh...

sooo... m like totally missing them like seriously!!! takutku nanti aku nangis tym last nyte kmi sama2... wawawa.... will deal with it when it happens... oh well.. saya ani ngatuk dh dari td... n so... ciao!!!

in cardiff~~~

monday 5th january 2009 0100hrs;

its raihan's bday today... lalala~~ oready wished her hepi bday.. so dere.. in 10 days lg c GG bday... apa ku bg ah?? ndaku tau eyh.. aku kn blikan bola sepak kli lh... liatlah... nanti kirim ja arh kawai.. maybe lah.. owh n kawai kn dtg k birm nanti tym 16th.. cant wait!! we sisters will be completed. three sisters... i'm oready missing my talks with them.. haha.. cant wait, seriously! haha...

so okeh.. been inn cardiff dari 31st dec 2008. isuk aku blik.. gonna miss my girls from parkwood coz seriously i hadd fun with them... last th ni mlm ani aku tidur sma drg.. wawa...... aku nda mau separate lah... i wanna be with them sampai batah2... ad th ni withdrawal symptoms... nanti termenung2 d birm th ku ni... hehe.. over?? yupz.. a lil bit..

so anyways... had the talk with simah n deena... deena called it our girl talk.. yups it was... had a good talk n they convinced me that it wasnt my fault.. so m gonna just take it for granted and just llet it go.. its insignificant now that i have lost contact with him... but not me him.. ntah eyh.. mls layanlah... m moving on now... with the Prkwood girlfwens, m myself.. aku jrg ingatkn ia except tym d bus... but whenever i feel alone, aku selalu ingatkn what could have been but m ignoring that for now.. nda guna mengenang yg nda pedah2.. i cant really do anything about it can i?? so aku mls kn layan emo ani just be myself n be merry... at least till i get stressed out cos of assignments... oh well...

so tomorrow at 1300hrs m gonna go n board the bus to birm.. sedih th ku nie salnya m gonna miss my girls like a lot... we had fun like seriously tym d cni... but nanti drg k birm so m looking forward to that...

so the plan is that i go to paris nie tym kawai ada ah.. salnya tym atu kapjah dpt... so maybe on the 16th til the 18th aku k paris with them n the kids... it will be fun but naleh th ku tu... ada klas kli ah... astah.. ntah llah.. aku ikut sja apa ia ckp.. haha... ikut ckp urg tua ani nda betulah.. haha... so aku ikut ckp lah sja... haha.. seriously...

we will see what happens... so the recap is that i cant wait for kawai to come here n talk with us, for Paris i guess, i will definitely miss my Parkwood girlfwens n i willignore you!! lala... yea wuteva....

signing out at 0138hrs.. kn tidurku.. gonna sleep coz isuk ani drg awal blik lah.. but cant wait for them to arrive at birm.... haha... anyway, nanti2 lg aku updates.. with pics lah.. pyh wah nada camera ani.. so i hafta rely on the cameras of others... oh well.. bh nanti lglah ah.. we will see.. i hope i will not post any blog entries that upsets the ppl who reads these... coz i write what i feel.. honestly.... i love writing out my feelings but sometimes it gets too much so bear with me lah ah... aku ndang nya cematu.. its just who i am...

nyte2 ppl..... adios...

again n again i fall~~~

friday 2nd jan 2008 2332hrs;

yanie n greyz is here in cardiff with me, simah n deena... yaay!!! im happy with that... really~~~ like batah udah kmi nda hangout n stuff. i miss them n hangin out together n stuff... n i miss my room in kent!!! waaa.... i miss being in my room, cooking in d kitchen, eating ramai2 n bedoa selamat... i miss it.. as high as i was before, i am as low s i was high now...

argh i hate dis feeling of abandonment.. like really... napa kn aku ani?? i need to be happy... just be wut i am n dat is a student, the gmah dat i know i was... a person who was not this sad. a person who can control her emotions, a person who is a reasonable n rational woman... a person who doesnt rely on anybody else but herself... why do i have to be like dis now?? seriously~~~ i wanna be better, i wanna be the person dat i was... i know i can do it...

i have to be better because when im like dis i annoy ppl... when i care too much, i annoy ppl... so sometyms i just say nothing n say i am fine... astagah... ntah eyh... malasth ku lg...

adios... malasku lg.. let me just wallow in dis feeling dat are owez roller-coastering all the tym... i just hate dis... so ppl, i might not write in my blog for a long tym coz i feel like shit! ntah eyh.. let me be wah!!!

signing out coz i just cant be bothered!!!