just be strong~~~

thursday 0234hrs 22nd jan 2009;



yes yes i know its late... i dnt care... lately aku cam night owl nie... awal bngun n den ahir tidur... takutku ada panda eyes...



okeh... blogging tym, n knowing me, i am an emotional blogger... so i write what i feel like at the moment... so excuse me...



chatted with fizah td... lets just say, me n her had a falling out coz of what she did... lets just say, what she did is not what true friends do to each other... what did she do u say?? she wasnt a gd friend... that's what she did...



all this while, i was close to her n stuff, i told my secrets n she told hers... give n take... got it... secrets safe but my secrets werent... stupid woman just told kaka boll yg aku pernah jatuh cinta arah urg yg ada punya... stupid stupid... sorry for the swearing... aku nda suka ia tym ani.. she's not my friend anymore... maybe i'll ubah my fikiran but for now i banish her...



so kaka boll confronted me td... ia ada ntar email arah ku.. nya how could you... u knew my story n yet u do this arah urg lain... u know how i felt like msa my story happened... n yet ko buat jua cni... n i warn u never ever do that... but u are doing what that woman did to me jua... why?!!! argh.. fizah ah!!! m so pissed at her ryte now... it's one thing that she told sum1 but to tell kaka boll about it is just so WRONG!!! she's been through it n fizah told her anyway... if fizah ada dpnku tym ani, i would just pusing my back to her.. that's a sign that i banish her outta my life... turning my back to sum1 means dat i cant accept her in my life... so yea i pusing my back to her... permanently i think...



banci saya eyh... n she had the guts to say yg ia sorry, doesnt mean it n dat she doesnt want to lose me as a friend/sister... i told her she just lost me... as anything... i said anggap aku ani nada apa2 sma ko.. we have no history, we r no longer friends... too much u say?? dont say that.. she knows me better than this... she knows never to tell.. n yet she did... argh stupid!! marah tia ka boll nie... abisku eyh... shit!!! of all ppl, ka boll fizah? how could u? do u hate me that much? i dunno if i can forgive u now... if ever..



you dunno when another might need you,

you dunno if one depends on you,

you never knew how one really feels towards you,

you never know when you need another,

you never know when hurt can overcome,

so be strong,

be strong,

be strong....



my current friends: i am not a harsh person n u guys know dat... for this one thing, i ask u to excuse me... i dont plan on feeling this way.. i never buang my friends.. i appreciate them... i appreciate you.. but this betrayal i cant take... to morrow ia another day to get through... tomorrow i will put on a brave front n just smile eventhough i feel like i want to talangkn everything inside... tomorrow i will not feel better so excuse me ah kent friends... might not be in a gd mood tomorrow... or i might seem like im okay but believe me im not...



this betrayal i cant take... me n fizah have been friends since ever... she's my sister... she's my compadre... she's my bestfriend... of all ppl fizzy??? kaka boll... u know she'll kill me.. u kno her story jua kn?? stupid thing u did n d consequence is dat u just lost me n i never will come back... not saying sorry to u, but i need to get away... i am so pissed off!!



the thing i am thinking ryte now is that to give you ppl out there who have betrayed their friends in any way an advice...: so you lost a friend... n u think dat u lost them coz of a tiny thing u did... maybe its not tiny to them... have u ever thought of that? have u ever thought that the reason u lost them is because u made them leave?? YOU MADE THEM LEAVE... your acts made them leave you n made them find solace somewhere else... so ppl, if ever u feel that ada friends that u have lost.. think!!! maybe it isnt them.. n maybe it isnt other ppl's fault.. but maybe IT IS YOU!!!! think about it... maybe it is because you appear to not care made them leave you... u are who u are.. ppl just discovered that is who u really are... (sum1 told me dat, n i think dat is really true... malay translation?? harimau dh nampak belang lah!!!)



so have a think... why have you been renggang with that person? why have you been not in touch with them?? maybe it's you... you cant blame them for leaving you.... maybe they NEED to leave you coz they are better suited elsewhere... maybe they left you coz they feel better elsewhere...



to ppl who read this, i am sorry for being pessimistic... i am not in an optimistic mental state now... i am not sorry howeever to u fiz... this is unforgiven!!!



this post is not meant to hurt anybody except fiz... i know i sound really harsh but i cant take this act of selfishness... i cant.. not while i am in a not-so-gd mood.... not while i am still thinking about sam... argh... i am gonna kill you!!! damnit!!! fiz, u'll be happy to know i am crying while writin this... remember how i cried tym anis punya bapa bawa anis migrate? i am crying more than that... my tuala is basah now n my fav bantal basah... u did this... u know kaka boll's punya opinion n respect n advice means a lot to me... how could you...



on another diff note: simah damam tym ani... cian eyh... but simah is a strong woman.. she can take care of herself n others at the same tym.. she can pikul other ppl's burden while still shouldering hers.. so i salute u leng... get better soon so i dont worry of your pale complexion... her being damam makes me think of when enoi damam n lamah.. i bring her food to eat n drinks... enoi let me take care of her bt simah is stronger n she takes care of herself... n gatal hatiku kn jaga simah cam aku jaga enoi but simah wont let me... so... i'll settle for asking how she feels evry tym i see her first thing in the morning... get well soon ah geng.. eyh.. oops... leng.. no worries, u're still my daleng... :P



p/s: so mixed emotions... in summary, m angry at fiz. cian simah. missing enoi. hating fiz. missing sam. hating sam. loving sam sal ia understand i need my space now n ia nda contact. i know u worry now sam but m okay.. remember what i owez say?? i am a self-sufficient woman... so just continue not contacting me eventhough it kills you... my blog cn be your go-to place when u think of me... it's okay... i wouldnt forbid u to read... just dont say anything.. let me just be honest. being honest now?? i miss you... talking to grace td sal febreeze spray made me think of you n sumhow i miss you terribly eventhough these last few days i am able to ignore dese feelings... but td atu bnr2 i thought of you... so i cried... but m fyne now... just sad it got this way... wish it was different... why now i miss you , u ask? coz ingat u use the orange febreeze fabric spray to harumkn c bomb? i have a febreeze pink... so dis is my weak moment... willl get over it soon, i hope... continue::::: conclusion?? miss family, enoi, SAM n several others... sorry to kaka boll... its okay i wont do it again... i dont plan on taking sam anytym soon...

i wish all ppl to just have a think... think before you talk... consequences ppl!!! remember...
i wish all the sick ppl to be better, insyaAllah sabar n Allah will cure you...
i wish n pray that Brunei will be okay n no more banjir n no more casualties... inalillah to teh ones that have gone before us... Allah love them more...
i wish i can a chance in loving someone who loves me back while at the same tym it isnt wrong to love each other...
i wish SIMAH to be better...
gd nyte ppl n assalamualaikum... may Allah bless you...
stop Gaza tragedies!!!