okeh so m in birm now without the girls... n somehow i feel so sad on top of being sad initially salnya m not with the girls... m feeling kinda down so bad dat i feel like crying all the tym...
i guess being with the girls atu i had fun n so no room to be sad coz m too busy having fun with the girls... n i was not sad when m with them.. like really... i went to sleep happy n woke up happy... but here in birm im lost... i never like to be dependent on anything n anyone... but i guess m kinda dependent with my fellow companions in UK... n so m kinda feeling lost n wanting to go n just see my girls... i miss dem...
i will keep myself busy now coz i feel really down... i need to just be happy.. i keep telling myself dat but m kinda not hearing myself ryte... m still waiting for my heart to just comply... for now it doesnot want to... so m gonna settle for it compromising... in my heart of hearts i wanna just reverse tym n just erase wuteva happened or wut didnt happen with me n him, but i cant... i wish i can so i dont feel dis way... on most days i can just ignore dese feeelings but now im having withdrawal symptoms... m at my weak point now...
im at battle with myself on whether i should just take the chance with you but i know dat is impossible n i wouldnt do it because i know dat my heart wouldnt take it.. its just not me if i do dat.. i would never ever do that... ever!! i have to stress dat out... i cant.. n yet in your case it is like the forbidden fruit... if i avoid it, it beckons... if i eat it, m gone... i dunno... i dunno how to handle this... if im not careful i will then fall... i might give in... but then again i have faith in myself that i will follow through... n i know i will... i have to...
in an ideal world, i will be with u n no one else... u will have nobody but me n me likewise... there will no one else in this world except us.. our own little world... i dunno wut to do... i know it isnt real.. but i know dat wut i feel for u are real.. i dunno if u are... anyways, i'm letting it go.. m letting u go... i can do dis... i can talk myself out of missing u n stuff... i just hope dat Allah will give me the opportunity to have someone that will eventually erase all thedrama in my life n give me a lot of love....
ppl say dat it is better if u stay with a person who loves u more than u love them... i for one agree... if u're with a person who doesnt love u as much as u love dem, then u will have the risk of u being hurt cos u trust dat person sso much dat u will do anything for dat person but that person may not feel tha same n den u end up getting hurt... i know i'm better off being with someone who loves me more than i love them...
i keep on falling for ppl who doesnt deserve my love n i know it... i deserve better n i hope that i dont get these kindss of feelings anymore... i wish sometyms dat i dont fall in love easily cos i know i will get hurt.. i need to focus on me ryte now... i need to cooperate with wut i have always thought i would be.. a self-sufficient woman..
i know the phrase self-sufficient woman is somewhat feminist-like... but i know that i need to rely on me n nobody else... i wanna be the peson who is owez gathered n not be weak... i wanna be strong... i wanna be the person who will definitely be the shooulder to cry on not search for other shoulders to cry on...
and so let it be known to everybody that today is one of my worse days ever... today, I MISS YOU n i nearly gave in... today, i miss myself coz m sad n i miss the joyful happy me... today, i feel worthless, today, i am not me...
today... i hate today.... i'm searching for something dat i know no one can provide except you... n i cant tell all.. icant tell anybody.. no one would understand.. let me keep the rest of these feelings inside... i dont wanna tell all...
my heart is aching n i dont think i can mend it... m alone... i dont have the capacity to mend this broken heart.. its falling into pieces n i dunno if i can even... sigh~~~
i dunno eyh.. m hopeless... n i have a feeling it will last longer these feeling of hopelessness...
somebody pls help...
out~~~ done... m done... 1915hrs..
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