the feelings again!

saturday 20th dec 2008 2221hrs;

its hard when u fall fr someone who is loving and gentle and well-liked. its hard coz u nd attention as well... n when u nd the attention n it isnt there, u feel so wiped out. so un-you. it sucks. its like u hafta compete to get the attention of the one u love.

dats wut is happening to me now. i wanna talk to dat person but the person isnt here. i nd to talk n just be us. you n me.. but nudged you before didnt work coz u were busy with ur own stuff i guess. the fact that u n me isnt in the same country maybe contributing towards that. haha.. such bitter laughter. m sooo missing u but u're not here. soon u n i will be very far. i cant stand it anymore. oh crap.. dis is the tym when i nd to pray n seek salvation from Allah. but i cant. i nd peace of mind. its better for me to feel nothing than tis evrytym dis happens. icant put on this facade anymore. m owez feeling inadequate.

i know when u nd me m owez here. i made sure i did that. but u are not here wheni nd you. i nd you!! m letting it go but i really nd u, love... i seriously nd to pray. for now i will pray in my heart dat i will let go of you, of my feelings towards u, towards our memories. i cant let u in n dat maybe why u cant be here with me ryte now. its my own fault really. haha.. again ironic. i cant let u in coompletely but i nd you in a way dat i cant bear... i nd you...

never in my life i have been this way but i want to be with you in such a desperate way that i scare myself sumtyms. i want to be able to let go when u nd to go, coz i know i am not as important as your family n friends but u owez come to me when u nd me. i know u're not psychic but i nd u to understand. my heart is breaking. i nd u to acknowledge that. never have i been this deeply hurt, so pls help me in understanding that i cant tell all to u esp now that i know ur stance in life. i know...

sigh~~~ so what if u're not here n me not there. we can still live like. its not like we are each other's air. but sometyms i do feel u r my air.. i cant function without u.

i know dat there are more important n worthwhile stuff out there for me to think. but i cant function well without u. u literally brighten my day. u are the only one that cn get me to smile wheni am in agony, even if i was in agony because of u. owh well... i need to prepare for the day when u nd to go, when u nd to leave me n when u nd to be you.. be the one you wanna be. get married n have a family of your own. i will too someday but i knw deep inside u'll still be the love of my life, the one who i would die for. the one that makes my life meaningful, my heart beats whenever u are here, near me. i can feel you even if u are in brunei n me in UK.

i know u wont get that this is u that i am talking about but i hope somehow u feel the same n dat by some miracle, u will approach me n get the truth out of me. i get tired of waiting for u sumtyms... i feel so down... pls be online all the tym n be wary of my presence... i'd do anything for you... u know dat ryte... even if u're not with me, i know dat i have a special place in your heart n u in mine...

last words from my broken heart to you is dat i am deeply n madly in love with u but u do not know n i guess never will. so i leave u with a heavy heart n hope dat i can treat u as no one special. i love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

no one shall know n no one will know... i nd salvation, always... craving for u to understand n be with me owez... i love u n i nd you. i hope that we will can work this out, so help me god if i cant be with u... but i will try n be with u owez...

adios~~~ sighing all the way....