owh my heart~

today 21st October 2008....
it has been 5 days since i found out that a man i like like is currently in contact with his ex-girlfriend. how bummed was i? i am so bummed... my heart just went thump~ and my life has lost its joyful glitter that it once had... my heart is broken...
it was a day to be celebrated. he found me first.. he recognised me but i didnt recognise him... once i did, however, i was smitten. he was a classmate of mine in my high school and i had feelings for him then too. now, the feelings have awakened and i am deeply and frighteningly falling for him... i am scared, as i had a right to.
i was happy when i knew that he was single and here in my Uni of all uni... i was on cloud nine~ he was always smiling at me.. we talked and he was wonderful... to other people, he was cute, just cute but to me he was a hunk.... he has a gentle face, a gentle heart and a beautiful personality. i am torn...
now i just found out that he is in contact with his ex-girlfriend, also my ex-classmate.. i am crushed. it feels as if my heart was wrenched out of my body, stepped on by people trying to shop on Boxing Day, ripped by a hungry werewolf, cut open with a jagged knife and finally thrown over Everest to be finished off by others... my hurt continues on...
my heart aches for him, my feelings are bleak, my life dull. he made me feel all warm and hug-like inside. he made my blood rush when i speak to him, when he smiled at me and when my friends tease me about him i blush.. i dont usually blush because of my skin tone but i blush because of him. my deep crush has turned itself into a deep crash.
how i wish it was only me and him... no one else but us.. life would be perfect...
my ideal scenario would be that he n i are together, my heart is with him and his with me. he's good to my dad and my family, him being the Prince Charming that he is. we look at each other with a deep love that is not contested. we look at each other like there's no one more beautiful or desirable. when we're alone, we are the best of friends, a considerate half of me... sensitive and wholly mine.. how i wish~~
but in reality his heart is not mine, but mine his.... sad is the word operative here. my heart aches with every thump. i cant look at other guys anymore...
he and i had nothing that were started nor even considered. we talked all but two times, both friendly... how i wish he was mine~ if only~~ but now me n him wont have the chance to explore our possibilities. he is gone before i even get a chance to get to know him and me him. but i know deep in my heart i long for him to be at least curious about me,asks of me, even the slightest... desperate me...
he fills my soul, never want to let go.. he is there.. in my heart, my mind, my soul. i cant forget about him. i want him with all my heart... i am torn~~
if he really isnt for me then my only prayer to Allah regarding this is for me to fall for a guy who loves me with all his heart. one that can guide me out of this feeling of despair. one that has the capability and ability to sweep me off my feet and whisk me to a land of love, where i know only of his love.
i wish he and his potential girlfriend to be happy, and me to find another. i hope they make each other happy, knowing fully well that they would probably be happy.. and me in a dark corner, trying to be happy,act like nothing's wrong, but i know i would jump at the slightest whisper if he needs me... i will...
but in the meantime my heart is torn, my life dull.. his smile is precious.. my memories of him will forevermore be in me, in a special corner of my broken heart to stay there till its full and i break...
how i wish he is mine....