my heart.. why did u betray me so~~

friday 24th october 2008;
usually my heart n my mind says the same thing.. if my mind says yum.. mcm nyaman mknan atu.. my heart says yes it is.. but now when it comes to my feelings for No Longer My Man, my mind says lets move on... but my heart shouts no... m not ready yet... such is my dilemma.. wut should i do?! i cant stand being in this situation any longer.. not anymore... m scared... i mean.. i just met the guy for the first time again n my heart trus melt.. seriously.. m thinking its like sekadar.. but my heart still lingers on him.. oh God help me...
but day by day m feeling ok but i have a sneaking feeling dat i kinda have dis crush-love fest. i knew it was a crush tym high school but now the symptoms are kinda like m in love but i dont think so.. i hope njot... coz this will definitely be harder to let go..
on wednesday me simah n nyssa went to the city to buy stuff for our raya thing n we were in the bus... well as usual, NLMM's name was mentioned like blik2..but by another person. a friend of NLMM. so the feelings came flooding back.. i was fine before... but when he said his name, my tummy did flip-flops.. m so sad... just the mere mention of his name m like jelly... but simah picked up on me feeling down so ia ckp sudah th.. jgn nyaya lg wah... so he stopped... she did the same tym nyssa nyaya aku..so thank you simah.. luv u daleng..
anyhoo... actually on dat day, No Longer My Man (NLMM) was there at the city jua.. but we didnt bump into each other.. i dunno wut to do if i did.. i would blush kali eh.. ntah eh..
den the next day, on my way to Grimond Building for IR lecture, simah started to talk about him.. on thursdays kmi bump into NLMM and friends. so simah got excited for me but i wasnt.. my tummy went into butterfly mode n the feeling atu dtg blik... n i said..shh..nda tu... simah terkezut n said bnr2 ko tutup hatimu kh? n i was like yea~~ salnya both NLMM n his ex atu my friends.. ex nya tu my close friend kali ah... i cant really do anything... i cant just say hands off coz bknnya ada apa2 bet me n him... but oh well.. as i have said earlier in "owh~ my heart", i pray to Allah dat i will fall for a guy who fell for me first n that he has the ability to whisk me into a world of love so i can just not think about NLMM ani.. i can only hope n pray... i really2 do wish i can get over this.. i wish i wish...
to ppl who know me, they are surprised m like dis.. its not me they said. its not like me to be crumbled like dis.. they know me as Zeemah who can do anything n who thinks she can do anything without any man... but now, i am lost... but i will prevail, eventually... m Zeemah after all. i can be rational. i pride myself to be a woman who knows her common sense.. but i am still waiting for my heart to catch up.. my mind is more mature than my heart... m ready to move on... but this saturday will be a challenge.. i really wished that i can just go away n forget about this. i really do.. i hope dat i can just be there n be happy. be my old self...
dats all for now... my heart is bleeding too much to continue... signing out n sighing with a heavy heart all the way to the rest of my day...