i am finally letting go~~

today, 25th october 2008, 2235 hrs...

it was hard earlier for me today. i was stressed out coz i kinda have to go to HSBC to withdraw money over the counter coz i had to buy a ticket to go to Birmingham n see the kids. but on saturdays the counter closes... that sucks!! so m stuck now without any tickets n i have to go to train station tomorrow with money transferred from kapj to simah's debit card. *thanks Simah!! luv u lenk...* so let us see how things are tomorrow.

anyhoo, at that tym i was really stressed out coz you know, i am kinda emotional. i will be seeing No Longer My Man! later and i had no idea on what to do. so i was walking to Wilkinson's n i was pissed off coz it was kinda late n i hate the feeling that i was not in my house n cooking all the stuff. simah n dina was there doing it, so i feel really guilty as if i am irresponsible. then when it was time to come home it was already two pm. n i was seriously in a bad mood that i really wanted to cry.. i really needed someone to hug me at the tym n say that everything is okay. but i put my thoughts elsewhere n focused on the task at hand. the Raya Open House at our house!! i cant wait but at the same tym butterflies coz he's there!! erk~

the Raya celebration...3 pm onwards...

so the girls have finished cooking the potato fritters (begedil in Brunei) n i managed to goreng prawn crackers. i was tired n the Masters student were already there.. then when i was heading upstairs to change into Baju Kurong, he came! i was happy but of course i didnt show it.. i went upstairs smiling coz he's here!! hehe.. i had fun getting ready coz it really felt like it was Raya. like it was in Brunei. i felt happy and i rushed to go down. it was fun!! i mingled, flirted n ate. oh how i ate!! nyum nyum~~ owh n the begedils was gone!!! people really liked it!! it was really a lot.. abis udah ah... banggaku ckit eh.. hehe.. hehe ckit salnya its a group effort...haha..

so it was awesome n i talked to NLMM like i was used to it n stuff. it was fun! people talked n i get to know people a little better. at least homesickness is reduced to a minimum. i felt like crying earlier that morning!! but everything is oryte now. alhamdulillah.. but i missed zuhur, asar n maghrib... i know i know.. i was really lalai. i had fun today but i have butterflies everytime i see him n i caught him looking at me a few times. i dunno why but m not putting any hopes coz i know him n me willl never happen.. i would never dream of breaking his ties with my ex-classmate. not once in my life do i ever want anyone to be unhappy coz i got my way... its not what it's all about. m fine really.. i think...

the thing is that i realised he was kinda paired with another person i just met. n she looks as if she likes him as well. i was torn. i like dis girl too. she's fun n a nice girl. but oh well, i am not going to get my hopes up n hope dat him n me will have our moment or something like dat. i pray to Allah dat i will someday find my One. insyaAllah...

the realisation hit me hard today n i feel like crying my heart out now.. my heart is writhing to be noticed. but my mind refuses to acknowledge my heart. i ache to see him, to be with him in a special way but i know it is fruitless. i am Zeemah, i sometimes have to remember that. i must remind myself that ia am a person who can do anything n stuff. n i can stand on my own. so i definitely do not need him in my life. at least i think so. so now i am readying myself to accept the fact that he will be with someone else n dat someone is not necessarily me... so i have to practise my happy face... all i can manage for now is a sappy (sad+happy) smile n cheesy hand clapping.. ntah eh..

so... its kinda inevitable when i came to the decision that i made. i am officially letting go of him, my memories of him, my heart's yearning for him n all. i am going to ignore the way my heart is breaking each second, how my eyes water when the pain in my heart is too much, how my heart is fighting to be heard n having to force my heart to comply with the logic of my mind... i have to let him go n i have... owh my heart...

i am now a frail person inside. the mere mention of his name made my mind go wild because it too wants to go with my heart but i know deep inside it is not a healthy thing to do, so i am letting him go... my only hope is for my heart to mend but be a little hard so that i can finally accept him to be off-limits...and a friend, not more. this is not love, this is a deep crush-care... i care for him, so now for him i will let him go~~ i say good luck to me n i continue to pray...